Nerve madness

It is strange how when your body can no longer give you the correct signals how it finds a new way of telling you what it either needs or must do. I have now for years had trouble with both my bladder and my bowels, luckily my bowels have never quite had the total disrespect for me that my bladder has as it’s way of telling me I need to empty it is to simply start leaking, effective but embarrassing. My bowels well although at times they have managed the same unsavoury trick, normally they are just that bit more discreet. You would think that somehow you would always know when either needed emptying, discomfort alone would be enough but that is a truly difficult thing to pick out amongst all the other sensations and pains that I get around my pelvic area, strangely I now get a feeling of pressure much higher in my body, I feel just below my kidneys, yes in my back. It isn’t that feeling of pressure alone, I find I also have a feeling of being about to break into a sweat and I actually start to feel ill if I try to ignore it. I am sure that there is some medical explanation as to why it causes these sensations, what it is that triggers them and why because all my sensations are screwed up, my body has found something so disconnected but so clear just after it happening once or twice, that I know recognise it for what it is.

I have heard on many documentaries how nerves, once they are dead, are dead, but the body often bypasses them and set up a new way of getting the message through, the only true example I have of that is my left hand. From the day it died and the doctor proclaimed there was totally nothing there at all, about two nearly three months to start small improvements, over the next few months it improved all the time until it was in a state that to the outsider was normal, but to me, well I still know it is weaker than it was and it’s movements and sensations aren’t as fluid as my right hand. I can no longer form a proper fist, which of course means my grip is totally questionable at all times, the palm of my hand has never truly recovered it sense of feeling and even has a strange sensation almost as though it has some kind of spongy overlay that is numbing everything. Somehow though my body bridged all those gaps in the nerves that had been cut off and made my hand work again, something I am extremely grateful for. I don’t know if it helped or not but I on my own accord daily did exercises to try and get motion out of it and constantly checking for any feeling, simple things when you are talking about a hand, but what do you do when it is something internal, I can’t think of anything that would return the feelings, sensations and triggers that I once had for either my bladder of my bowels. On some levels the fact that my body has found a way of telling me that my bowels needed emptied, should mean that I have the answer, but anything that has to get to the point of making you feel ill to get your attention, has found a rather slow and desperate solution, I’d far rather just know I need to go, without all the internal drama.

Our bodies are amazing at just what they can do, even the fact that a nerve can die and another route not designed for the job, can take over and work well is actually beyond amazing. What I have learned about mine is it doesn’t want to give up without a fight, so I now don’t really fear losing a limb as much as I did say 10 years ago, I have the proof that just maybe, if something died it doesn’t mean it is gone forever. Having said that, I have lots of areas, especially in my hands where my ability to feel pain or heat has diminished greatly and none have ever returned to normal. There is, unfortunately, a huge difference between internal pain and external pain, even area’s that I could stick a pin into with little feeling or even none, can still cause pain all by themselves. When I lost all movement in my hand, I also lost all feeling in it, but it was a¬†sensation that returned first, followed by motion. Wild sensations have been part of my life now for as long as I remember, I honestly don’t ever remember not having pins and needles, numbness and tingling somewhere, these days I never have any time when I am awake when I am free of one or even all of them.

It can feel at times as though my body is constantly telling me that my skin is alive, it can vary from pins and needles, tingling or even a feeling as though there is something crawling all over it. They are sensations that anyone would know in their lives but new ones appeared a while ago, one is totally weird and mainly felt in my face, it feels like the muscle structure has gone and the skin is slowly slipping downwards. The first few times I felt it I was so convinced by it, that I actually went to the mirror to check, I have felt it on both sides and even on other parts of my body and it is nothing like anything I have ever felt before. Feeling your face slipping off your skull is beyond just freaky it is actually rather gross, even screwing my face up and stretching all the muscles, only breaks the feeling for a few seconds, before it will return, only leaving when it is ready to.

Everyone concentrates on the pain that goes with conditions like mine, it is the easy one to explain to everyone and it is the one that most doctors can do something about, even if it isn’t totally removed they can reduce it. Mad sensations to date seem to be something that you just have to live with. I did think that painkillers would make a difference, as to me logically if a painkiller could disrupt the nerve signals and numb pain, surley they could disrupt those everlasting sensations, but to date, I don’t think they can. I can only say think, as that is the problem when you live on drugs, you don’t know what it would be like if you weren’t on them.

22/04/12 – ‘Why?’don’t forget to ask >