Learned reactions

I really am wishing today that there was a shop where I could buy myself a replacement foot, to be precise a left foot. When I started finding myself sitting with only the balls of my feet on the floor, I thought that the only problem I had ahead of me was the shorting or my calf muscles, but now I know differently. I am getting more and more pain in my ankles the worst is my left one, I can only think that this constant position of wearing a really high heeled shoe, but without the shoe, of course, is straining and also ceasing up my ankle joint. Even when I am sitting with my foot off the floor, or even lying down, I keep finding my foot in exactly the same position, part of the result is that not only is there pain, but I seem to have constant pins and needles from ankles to toes. I know that it is my left foot that is in this position most, so I can only guess that it is just a matter of time until the right one joins in.

I would really like to know why it is that my MS seems to attack my left side so much more than my right, I have never seen me MRI, but without even seeing it I can make a guess that I would see more damage on the side that controls my left side. I don’t understand why this would be, I would have thought that lesions are erratic and dispersed all over the place, not clustered and targeted. Considering I am now well past 30 years of living with this thing, it has always been my left side that has taken the heaviest toll and always the left side that is first to show any new symptoms, there has to be some reason for that.

I have been trying to in the last couple of days to make some more sense of the loss of people names from the past, I thought I was still OK when it came to other things like events, but I discovered the other day that I have lost other things as well. Adam and I were talking about my Mother as I still haven’t been able to find her as my brother seems to have no intention of answering my letter. Adam asked me for her full name which I had no problem with but then he asked me for her date of birth, it took me several minutes to come up with the day and the month, but I still have no idea of the year at all, I have tried and tried but her age is a total mystery to me. I have gone over different events trying to find some kind of point that would give me a clue, but all I have found are more and more blanks. I can remember her maiden name but as to the first names of her parents, they too have gone, I still remember her brothers, but his wife’s and their children are gone. The more I search around in my head, the more I am finding just isn’t there to be found. Even stranger than that I am totally calm about the fact things are vanishing, I get the feeling that it should scare me, should make me panic and feel lost but I don’t, I just feel normal and quite at ease that my life is vanishing behind my eyes.

I am sure it can’t just be me, but I have always taken whatever happens to me in my stride, I have just got on with it and tried to not stop me doing anything I normally would, until I can’t. Even the day I woke up to find that I couldn’t use my left hand at all, I just continued as normal, I got ready for work, although I have to say my hair was a mess and I went to work, once there I made an appointment to see my doctor later that day. I don’t remember even the slightest panic, I had had several days leading up to that day where my hand and arm had become weaker and weaker, so I suppose I had some warning, but even taking that into account, I would have thought the natural reaction would have been one of panic, there was none. Loosing my memories seems to be following a similar pattern, I have been loosing the odd thing here and there for ages, but now I am loosing things in bulk, that step up feels no worse than the first time I found myself lost, floundering about for something I knew I had the answer to, but nothing appeared just total blankness.

I suppose we all have our own images and impressions of how we would react in any given situation, say for example if we saw a car crash. We all know in our own minds just what we would do, how we would react and how we would deal with it. Equally, we also know how we would react, if when we went to help we were faces with something horrific in front of us. We can gauge our reactions to almost anything, but I never thought that I would just accept and get on with a body and brain that is deteriorating at speed and right around me. I thought that even I would react, show some sort of panic or fear, but what I feel is just OK, there is no other way of describing it, it is what it is and I have to just live with it. My reaction isn’t anything new and I think possibly the fact that no one seemed to believe there was anything wrong with me years ago, I learned to get on with everything that happened as I had no choice. Just as when I lost my arm, for nearly a year, 7 years ago, I also just got on with going blind in one eye for several hours when I was 21, I guess I have just learned to accept and learned that I am on my own with this monster that has taken over my life. People now believe because I now have that diagnosis, but having a name doesn’t change the fact that no one but me, not even doctors, can change what is happening.

Loosing names and dates is frustrating, but they are the things that I have clear proof of lose, but I know I have lost much more, simply because I know there are gaps. Does that matter, I can’t be sure, am I worried about it, no, not yet, I can only hope that that remains my attitude, I suppose we will see.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today 11/04/12 – What does your skin say about you?

I just saw a TV ad, well the first 10 seconds, that belongs in the annoying new trend of infomercials. Nearly all the programs that I watch/listen to during the day are recorded, I really can not deal with the ‘Jeremy Kyle’, ‘Loose Women’ drivel that spews out at us during the day, my love of documentaries forces recording as even on the Discovery channels the best are on at night, the downside infomercials! I expect that I am probably being a little unfair on them as I hate commercials as well, I have developed a skill of totally ignoring them, a program break to me is a gap to at the very least think about the program I am waiting to continue, through to going to the loo, you could redecorate your home in…….