What the Dr didn’t say

I think they call it sods law, I bought the new router the other week and I did have an issue in fitting it, so I reluctantly went back to the old one, the one that I had chucked over the settee in front of me and had bounced it way onto the floor. Luckily it’s flying lesson hadn’t done it any harm what so ever, in fact, it seems it did it some good as it hasn’t lost connection or dipped in speed even once since. So I now have a new router and a new modem, as I needed to replace that as well, all just sitting here with nothing to do, part of me is saying well just change them, you have the new stuff and it’s ready to go, but part of me is also saying why change it now, it’s working and I have a full backup for when the problems start again, which I am sure they will do. If only it was that easy in life, something isn’t working so you just unplug it and plug in a new part, no doctors no long periods waiting, just order it and change it.

I phoned the doctors yesterday, just to get a new prescription for the next two months worth of meds, I, of course, got the grumpy receptionist, but for once she wasn’t snapping at me all the time and was actually helpful over a muddle up that has been ongoing with my meds for my COPD. They either have sent me too much or too little, I have actually been without them tablets now for a week but I wanted to get them at the same time or they would remain out of order forever, hopefully, the changes she made on the system will see an end to that. When it came to the final item, the hormone therapy for my menopause, which by the way is working perfectly, she said she couldn’t gibe it to me and asked me when I last had my blood pressure taken, when I said it was a year ago, she said that I had to come in. I once again explained that I am housebound and that the Dr had prescribed it over the phone in the first place without any checks at all, then came the dreaded change in her voice, once more sharp and argumentative. The way she then spoke to me was as though it was my fault that I hadn’t had my blood pressure checked and I was being difficult not going in to have it done. It took a few minutes of this going back and forward over what should be done and what I could do and what the Dr had done before she finally agreed to put it on the list and leave it up to the Dr to decide what the next step is. I haven’t had a call from the surgery so I can only guess that my Dr is once again just sending it. I was left wondering though just how many other drugs I have had over the years, which the doctor should have followed with a test of some sort or other, not done just because I can’t get to him.

Although my relationship with my doctor has always been good, I have wondered before about his willingness to send out new drugs without seeing me at all. For most of them, especially when it is just a step up on drugs I already take, I don’t think there is any problem with the way we have handled any of it, but there has been no drug review or checks on how my body is coping with the cocktail I live on, ever since I became housebound. I sometimes get the feeling that if I never called him again that I would be just left to keep taking the tablets, forever. It is one of those things that it is hard to know if it is right or wrong, but if someone had asked me years ago what I thought the care of someone in my position would be, well I would have thought they would at the very least once every year have full blood works, blood pressure and basic heart and lungs checks done, just because of the drugs. I am no fan of Doctors being in my life and I do avoid them as much as possible, but what the receptionist said to me has left me wondering if I have been put on the sideline, left to get on with it just because they know they can’t cure me and my life now has a time capped. Are they now just giving me what they can to make the time I have left, comfortable if nothing else and to hell with the side effects or dangers. If I am totally honest that would be my choice as well, but it has never been discussed or even mentioned when we have talked or met.

Last year a doctor gave me 10 years to live, 10 years is actually quite a long time in reality but I have never really been that bothered about the number of years, I would far rather know that I wasn’t in pain, not having horrid sweats or any of the other things that plague my life. I know that some people seem to be transfixed with the length of their lives, but that is something I no longer even think about really, I think more about the quality, to me that is a million times more important. When I hear anyone on TV talking about the fact that in a few years time the majority will live into their 90’s and many will see 100, I am left wondering why. It is all well and good that they can medically keep people alive that long, but if it means spending the last 20 or 30 years living in a care home, sitting in a chair looking at other people as frail and as old, is that really a good thing? I would see it as a good thing if everyone that kept alive that long where still out there, being part of the world, having fun, working and enjoying it, but to just sit, no thank you. Life isn’t longevity, life is about enjoyment and when that has gone, then so has the point of it.

I am happy, I am content and I also know the facts of what lie ahead of me and that doesn’t change a thing about how I feel. If I am happy and my health is under control, I don’t care if I live 10 years or 20 years because I will be living not existing.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 10/04/12 – Set to be exhausted

I’m running a little behind my normal scheduled today but for good reasons for a change. Skype came to life just as I had settled down to write, I have already been chatting with Tracey, this time with no tears, she is really back in my life. Strange how you can have things clear and ready to do something and then minutes later have no idea what it was and I know that isn’t just my MS but it’s a good excuse.

I had actually been sat here looking round my room and smiling. Adam has been true to his word and he has started to clean the house up. I am once again sitting looking at objects that sparkle rather than hide under dust, it means so much to me to be able to go from room to room and see things slowly ……