I woke feeling like death this morning, I haven’t the slightest idea what was up but I was ever so glad that I had both anti-nausea tablets and painkillers to hand. I felt so sick and I there was terrible pain in my right side in the lower section of my ribs, most people would probably have just gone back to bed, but because I could treat it, I could stay up. That was 3 hours ago and although the pain is under control I am beginning to feel sick again. I doubt there is anything really wrong with me, but it has made me think and wonder about the danger that self-medicating, with medicines prescribed for you, could actually cause. I thought nothing of just reaching into my drawer of wonders and picking out the medications that I knew would deal with how I felt without once wondering what was really wrong with me, or if I was even doing the right thing. I can see just how easy it would be for someone who like me has access to strong painkiller to cover up something that could be putting their life in real danger at that time. I know I have been guilty, just like today of having pain I know isn’t from my MS, but using what I have at hand to treat it as why should I put up with something I can fix there and then. It is a simple action but it could also be the one that kills you, just because you took the easy way out, something to think about.

My belief that yesterday morning was the end of my bronchitis was a little premature, I spent a large part of the afternoon coughing, but then again this morning it has settled again, clearly on the upside but just not quite there yet. I guess like many things else I just want it fixed now, I know I am getting more and more impatient when it comes to minor illnesses, they are like that annoying itch, just there for no other purpose than to drive you mad. Less than 10 years ago I would have been running to my doctor almost demanding antibiotics, now I just see bronchitis as an irritant, not something to worry about. In just the same way, the longer you live with pain, the more your scale of pain changes, so does your scale of illness. I now pay no attention what so ever to the type of pain that once would have had me really worried, those scales of pain that TV doctors love to use on all those medical soap operas, are totally meaningless. The pain I now see as about a level 5 is without a doubt the pain that a few years ago I would have listed as level 8, my ability to deal with pain has increased and the range of pains I have ever experienced has also increased. I am always saying that life with chronic illness is a huge learning curve and believe me it is, but the biggest thing I have learned is that all of us are more capable of dealing with the things we once feared, after facing them even just once.

I can’t believe the months of my life that I wasted being pulled down by stupid little things like colds and the flu. I am not putting anyone down for being ill, or for them believing that they are so ill that they are dying, but what I am saying is that once you are seriously ill, you realise just how unimportant and trivial most illnesses are. I was never someone who took time off to be ill, I was brought up to just get on with things, something I am really grateful for as I now realise just how important a lesson that was. I honestly believe that those of us who do manage to deal with chronic illness are those who like me were trained not to give in. I can’t remember a single day in my childhood were I was wrapped up in a blanket lying on the settee being fussed over, I was more likely have been chucked outside to play even if it was raining or snowing, I was taught from an early age to be tough with my health. There is though one big downside in this theory, it also meant that I didn’t go to the doctor until my flare was at it’s worst, meaning they were gone when I eventually had a hospital appointment and when told there was nothing wrong with me, I headed home to just get on with it. My tough love upbringing has made me a survivor but it also meant I didn’t fight for a diagnosis as hard as I should off earlier on in my illness.

There is never a totally right or wrong way to be brought up or to just live your life, but I am glad I was taught to get on with things, I wasn’t allowed to give in and I still don’t. As long as I have the right medication to deal with what is happening to me, MS, fibro or any of the others, well I can survive. I might be covering other things up, but I am also getting on with the life I have, right or wrong, well for me I don’t think it matters any longer. My future is written and there for anyone to see, if I am going to enjoy the time be it 5 years or 20 years, I have some basic needs, the biggest is pain control and I will take it whenever or for whatever I feel is right at the time. If I were bringing up a child right now, I know I would us the tough love line as I honestly believe it is the best root to dealing with the array of illnesses that lies ahead all of us. All of us will age, all of us will have spells in our lives were illness takes over, but not all of us will deal with it as well as others, I would arm my child with every possibility of surviving and the tools to have the best life they could, regardless what their health throw at them.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 09/03/12 – Flare day 4

I wrote and added a piece last night and I had to delete it this morning. To those of you who tried to read it I apologise, I have no idea what I was thinking, it clearly made no sense at all! I had been having pains in my lungs, sharp little lightning bolts, not over painful but enough to get my attention and I had started to worry. About 8 or 9 years ago I found myself in hospital for 2 nearly 3 weeks. My breathing had gone a little mad, I seemed to either be able to breath or to talk or eat. The co-ordination between them had gone and all required a conscious effort, to do anything other than breath. Ask my to speak and I would forget……