What’s missing…..?

I woke this morning as exhausted as I was when I went to bed, but at least I woke once more pain free in my back but not quite so comfortable in my lungs as yesterday. So pushing myself to have my shower just after Adam went to work, well might sound rather odd, but I am hoping that if I push myself this morning to stay up to time with my normal routine I will be able to have my full 2 hours this afternoon, rather than a short nap followed by a difficult shower. It often feels as thought my life is always in flux, always a case of trial and error, just in the hope of finding that slight improvement, that tiny thing that makes everything else easier. I guess that everyone’s life is, it’s just mine are now more focused and centred on a small possible range of changes, rather than the vastness of life in the working world. My choices are as small as like this morning when I went for my shower, was the house warm enough, did I need to put the fire on so that I would be able to dry myself in front of it, instead of freezing in the bathroom. Was my scalp up to having hot water fired at it from the shower head, or was I once more going to have to play with it until I managed to remove the fine streams and replace them with a flow more like a tap. Question and answer, question and answer and all just to work out how I was going to start my day. I remember a time when the only thing I had to consider was just how long could I spend in there, not if I could actually stand for a while or did I really need to sit through out, believe me it’s not the best place when it comes to getting clean. Going back in time is something that I know is impossible but if I could, it wouldn’t be to change things, it would be to just go back and enjoy all those things that I took for granted and even moaned about at the time, little knowing that my moans were about nothing.

It’s strange the things that you want to do when you can’t, all to often I find myself wanting to do the things I never really made the time to do when I could. I used to have access to horse just down the road from my home in Rhu, it belonged to a family who’s twins were heading up to their A levels and didn’t have the time to exercise it as much as they should. I didn’t know any of that the day I knocked on their door and asked if there was any chance of being able to ride him, all I knew was that I spoke to Beenie daily and I had nothing to loose by asking. For three months Beenie and I spent two hours together once a week riding out along the beach and the grassy verge that ran for 4 miles to the Navy base. I can still remember just how wonderful it was to have that opportunity, how much I loved especially the ride home as Beenie knew that at the end of that gallop he would be fed. There is nothing quite like racing the traffic on the near by road and having that feeling of flying, but it had to stop when the local nursery school announced that my son could no longer attend, he was just to disruptive. I don’t blame him now any more than I did then, I blame myself for not fighting for both of us just that bit harder. I never again got the opportunity to ride regularly, not many people do, but it is one of those things that I wish and dream about more and more. just being able to spend time with horses is the most wonderful experience and to have one that is happy to have you on their back, well it is an honour. If I could go back in time, I’d go a back to a point when I could ride again, even if it was for only one more time.

You learn to adapt to being housebound and to what you can and can’t do, but silly things, things that are usually impossible are the things that appear in your dreams. I don’t ever dream of going back to work, or just going out to the pub or a cafe, I dream of things that aren’t everyday, as everyday somehow no longer seems important. I long to be able to swim for hours, or go ice skating again, long for the physical things that I have no way of ever doing again. No matter how well planned or thought through they are all gone. Now I plan for everyday events with more care than I ever planned any of my missing pleasures, life is strange to say the least. If it wasn’t for those few truly special to me times, I can honestly say I miss nothing, no matter how much my health takes away, I still haven’t lost the important things, so what do I have to miss?

One of the first questions people who don’t know me is “don’t you miss….?”, their personal choice always changes but for some reason everyone expects me to miss the things they think they will miss, but they wouldn’t. I can say that just isn’t the way it is, everything changes slowly and something inside changes to, I’m not sure how to put it into words but trust me, you don’t miss, it is almost as thought your mind sets up some kind of buffer that protects you, I guess mother nature knows exactly how to protect us and she does it well, if you trust and allow her to do it.