It’s written

It is now a habit for me and one I recommend everyone ill or not also fits into their day, time to just listen to your body. I started it as when this whole mess of illness began things came and went, often they were difficult to be sure of, to pin down or be able to put into words. Symptoms came and went just as they do even now, but then well it was hard to as no one believed me, so only I could try and make sense of it all. I learned so much about myself that now I can be reasonably sure if something is new or just a variation, but I missed out on one thing that might have helped me a lot, I never took the time to use touch. To get to know how muscles and tendons where placed, how each lump and bump related to anything, I thought listening was enough, I thought getting to know those pains, those sensations would cover everything. With every spasm or set of pins and needles I stop, often I close my eyes, to block out there sensation that could blur my thoughts and I just let my body tell me what is happening and if there is a why. Everyday I lie there on my bed, either before I slept for the night or more recently before I sleep during the day, I run through all those things I know are there and search for anything new. I’ve built up a knowledge that allows me to pace and govern my day, in a way that I believe keeps my on the level, or if you like stops me from putting myself in danger of a crash. Flares will happen, but right or wrong I believe that by listening and correcting, I have been able to avoid some. Our bodies tell us so much and so many of us ignore it, simple things like when you need to go to sleep, rather than when you want to, when you need to eat and often if you listen well enough, it will also tell you what it needs you to eat. Find yourself craving a food and you’ll find that it actually has some mineral or vitamins that you are deficient in and you will crave until the balance is returned. Despite having the perfect machine to live in, all we ever seem to do is ignore and abuse it from the start and then right on through our lives.

So what prompted me to write that, well I have caught myself ignoring what I am finding lately. Despite all those years of paying attention and acting on it I have suddenly stopped paying real attention, yes I still lie there and I do my quick scan of what hurts, what feels odd and what’s fine, but when I do find something that needs me to think further, I switch off. I have become totally centred on the pain in my upper body, there is so much of it and it is so over whelming, that what the rest of me is doing just doesn’t matter. That alone is telling me that what ever is going on, what ever is behind all of it, it just isn’t right and I don’t have the slightest idea what to do about it. In the last month I don’t remember a second of peace, or a position of comfort and even when I have spasms in my legs, or my arms, somehow the area from waist to shoulders always manages to be involved as I can’t move to help something else without twisting, straining or pulling something within that area. It has become impossible to deal with anything else, I can massage of pummel any muscle, I can’t use pressure any longer as I can’t reach anything to make these things work. I don’t believe that my diaphragm has been in spasm now for 4 or 5 weeks, that my intercostal muscles shut in on me when I lie down or that constant pain around my arm pit area just won’t go away. The more I am forced to ignore what I can’t reach, the more it feels as though they are getting worse as well, you can’t listen to anything when part of you is screaming constantly.

I know that just a few months ago I was told that this was part of my COPD, the part triggered by my MS, but it still doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t fit to what I know and I can find nothing out there, that matches how I feel in any way. I know that a few months ago I was also told that the pain in my right side where gall stones, small ones they didn’t want to do anything about, but I don’t think that they either are involved, other than in a minor way, as the pain on the right, is identical to the pain in the left and the pain that goes right round me, more intense at the front than the back, but it’s there to. Then there are the sharp stop me in my track pains that crash on to my entire chest, take my breath away and leave me holding it out of feat the the next breath will hurt too much. I thought that the HRT would take away the tenderness that I have had in my breasts, but that’s still there as well. I’m listening to the whole area complaining every minute I am awake, as there is no way not to, it just doesn’t shut up, even my morphine boosters aren’t doing what they did just a few weeks ago, yes they reduce but they don’t reduce it enough for me to find comfort. One section of my body is dominating over everything and despite waiting and hoping, it only seems to get worse. May be this is to be expected with everything that is wrong with me but I am still finding myself caught in a puzzle that I am failing to make sense of.

So why haven’t I spoken to my doctor about this, well to say what, what he is expecting I suppose, but I don’t know why, I just don’t think more pain meds are the answer. They might take some more of the pain away but that alone isn’t the answer and I don’t think either of the doctors I have already seen at the hospital have the answer either. I feel alone with this, it just doesn’t makes any sense? At least I have at last put it down in words, rather than just the odd line here and there, the truth of just one section of me that has taken over everything else, I have no desire to go back to hospital and to have them just talk and test, but give me nothing to make life better, as that is all they did before. Ouch, that was one of those out of my head and right there in front of me, I don’t want to go to the hospital again. It feels as though I was there from most of last year and for what, the names of more things wrong with me, names and nothing that has made me any better, I don’t want to go through that again.