This week is disappearing at a speed I haven’t felt for quite a while and totally without any reason that I can think of. I always thought that time flew when you were busier than usual, but I’m not, just ticking over as I do daily. I did give in last night just before I went to bed I took a booster pill and I slept well, which has made a huge difference, my pain is under control as it should be with just my standard meds. I’m not sure why but for the last couple of weeks I seem to keep waking in pain, settling myself and going back to sleep, I’m never awake for long, usually just a couple of minutes, but I am convinced that any disturbance undoes most of the good that my 11 hours asleep normally gives me. I did wake once, just long enough to look at the clock and see it was 3:20, then I slipped back into a sound sleep, the alarm found me with all the normal stiff bones and aches and pains, but now my body is in a truly boring normal state. It also appears that one week in with my HRT and although it’s to early to know about the hair thing, I haven’t had a single sweat session and much of the pain around my breasts has settled back to just aches rather than sharp daggers attacking through out the day when they just felt like it. I know it’s is really to early to claim it a success, but I am claiming it as truly hopeful.

I have also decided to take on some of my other body issues, things I know I am meant to do but rarely do. My insides from top to bottom just seem to be in a mess and the more I let them do what they want, the worse things seem to be getting. First up I am going to take my Furosemide every second day, plus increase the amount of fluids that I drink daily, I’m not too bad but I know I am below the 2 litters I should be drinking, so that has to increase as well. I am very aware that I am carrying around a lot of fluid that shouldn’t be there, I just need to look at my feet to know that, but I am also wondering if the extra fluid in my body is increasing the problems with my lungs. I know that unfortunately Furosemide is a drug I have to be careful with as one of my other conditions is Vasovagal, which means I pass out as my blood pressure plummets for no reason, Furosemide can aggravate it. I was given a routine that I use from time to time but should be doing always, Furosemide every second day followed by making myself empty my bladder ever 3 hours through out every day, rather than sitting here reabsorbing what I don’t need. I know that bladder training works but it is one of those stupid things that you stop doing when things are OK, of course stop it and everything slowly goes wrong again. I am hoping that getting the fluids moving through my body quicker and correctly will help to clear some of it anyway. MS really does seem to have a hatred of the bladder, you don’t know when you need to go and when you do know and head to the loo, all to often nothing happens. Ignore it as I do and the problems increase, self cathetering is something I just can’t get myself to do, it’s easy enough but somewhere in my brain, I just don’t want to do it. After 3 bladder infections in a short period I know that I have to do something, so training it is, fingers-crossed I will keep doing it this time. I am also going to try and work on getting my bladder to work more normally, the first thing there I know is to take a laxative once a week and ensure that I am cleared through, then if there are problems I also have enema’s to use, difficult but I can try. I fly around between incontinence and constipation, both I am told can be managed by routine, so here goes, another routine to grasp and control. I am holding onto an idea that with both working more normally I will also be removing toxins and so on from my system which hopefully will just generally make me feel better, I don’t know if there is any truth in that idea, but I can see no reason not to try it.

I find it rather strange that it is always when I feel that bit better that I think about trying to make myself feel even better. You would think that when you are at your lowest that then you would be looking for improvement and would be willing to try anything, but when you are at your lowest, you just want to wallow in it and not do or think about anything. Good days lift you and make you want to find away of holding on to it, you never learn the truth that it won’t last for ever, but if you did, you would just give up, there wouldn’t be any reason to try. Good days also means you find yourself looking at and thinking about things that normally don’t even enter your head. I don’t know what started it but this morning I found myself for the first time in ages looking at the rings I wear all the time. I suppose that like most women I had gone through life having phases of wearing rings and phases of not wanting any at all. For some reasons just after I found myself in my wheelchair I suddenly decided that I was going to have something I had never had, a real diamond ring. When we got engaged we decided that both of us would wear silver bands, changing them for gold when we married, so no diamonds there! The prices in the shops where mental, so I started looking on Ebay, before anyone says oh you’ll get fakes there, well you might, but as long as you can read the hallmarks you won’t, as it is all there. So I bought one, then another and another, I had always had a fund for buying for our home, but for a year that fund bought diamonds. Adam even bought me two one that I wear as if it had been my engagement ring, but right now I have a problem, my weight gain means some are now stuck and won’t come off and others are sat in my box, as I just can’t get them on at all. I have a pile of broken gold jewellery that I think would supply enough money for the two I love the best to be altered so I could wear them again, getting those too tight off, is a bit more of a problem and yes I have tired all the oils and so on I know of. That though is beside the point, what I really wanted to say is this, those diamonds at the time I started to buy them were so important to me, I needed them as they were making me feel still glamorous, still feminine and still decorative. I wasn’t only sat in a wheelchair I had a tube down my nose and I was disappearing, having lost 5 stone. Those sparkly little stones made me feel equal to all other women, nuts I know but they replaced all the things I couldn’t do any longer when it came to my appearance. Sometimes we need things, things that replace what we have lost in our minds if not in reality, I still love those things, but now I see them quite differently, they are a decorative investment for when or if needed. Everyone of us has something that has helped us along the road, mine just happened to be diamonds.