Not a rush, more a trickle

You would think that when your life is filled with so many things to deal with and so many new things still appearing that you would never find time to feel there is something missing, but there is. I actually blame all the time I have had in the last few years to watching documentaries about subjects I would never have even thought of looking at. The constant discovery of other lives and lifestyles has left me feeling that if there is one thing missing and impossible to actually have, is the excitement that is only found in adventure. I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s and the closest we got to, or even thought of as an adventure was to go on a package holiday, we never heard of or saw what it was like to go gold mining under ice, or to learn to live of the land in Siberia, our world were small, comfortable and dull in comparison. I have to say if I had a child these days, I would ban all those cartoon channels and make them see what is really out there and possible for them to do. So I grew up doing just what I was expected to, I married and I had kids, then when that went all wrong, I lived what I thought was an avant-garde life style. My family thought I was mad and that I was living in a way that put me in danger from others, while nothing ever happened and looking back, I was still not really living anything like to the full. It has taken me until now to realise that those moments when you actually feel the most alive is when your life is on the edge, my closest, flying off a horse whilst galloping, travelling pillion at over the ton, being driven in the dark without lights on cliff road never dipping below 60, or possibly being in the middle of a stand off with a motor bike gang, armed police around the building and illicit arms everywhere, even in my DJ booth. They were just moment, I never really had that chance of living on the edge of anything, because I didn’t know it was there, but those moments where some of the times that I felt more alive than any. I think we all often forget that living the comfortable safe life is actually a really modern idea, most humans never know if they would live to the end of the day, as everything was a danger, we were born to live on adrenaline, but we have done everything possible to mean it’s no longer needed. Millions daily seek out that rush, jumping of bridges, driving too fast, doing all the still reasonably safe possible rushes that are out there, millions more find it by accident when the forget to look before they cross a street, but how do you find any of that once you can’t even leave your home.

Happiness is an amazing thing to have and I know that I am lucky to have a life that I can say that about, but strangely recently I have noticed that missing spark, the sparks that tells you, you are really alive. Those sparks don’t all come from danger, even that panic about being late, of missing that train, or not having that work project ready on time, those sparks are all missing, not one, still exists. My days are all the same something much needed by my health, I know I can’t stretch the hours I am awake or the amount of excessive that I can deal with, I have to be careful, I have to live as I do so that I don’t land up making everything worse. Yet I am human and like everyone else I want that spark, that time when my heart thumps and my adrenaline is flying around me, I can’t find away of making that happen. It doesn’t matter how you look at it, living a life with chronic illness means that you live a steady and simple existence, it’s just the way it has to be. If I had lived my life really on the edge, in ways I couldn’t even imagine when I had the health to do it, then maybe I would feel different, maybe I might miss it even more, but I wouldn’t feel that I have somehow missed out. It’s not a regret, you can’t regret what you didn’t know was there, it’s more a wish that now I do know, I wish I could try so many new things.

Living the simple life has so many great things to offer, but there will always now be that “but”, I wouldn’t have said I was a thrill seeker but I would say that when they appeared, I lived totally with in them, loving every second. I guess it’s impossible to bring adventure into your home, or into a life that is now limited by health, but that doesn’t mean I have given up on it, I never really ever give up on anything. So any ideas anyone?