A couple of days ago someone asked me what I get out of writing this journal, as he called it. I think that I have several times added small pieces through out the entire blog, pieces that explain why I started to write and what I wanted my writing to achieve. That really was what I wanted more than anything to achieve a small set of goals. I had searched and searched on line for one or even a collection of sites that gave full description of how symptoms really feel as they happen and what the on going effects are and what it takes to be happy although either ill and/or housebound, all I had found was doom and gloom. Daily I was achieving, daily I had things that needed to be done and I was writing everything that I though might just help someone else. Slowly more and more people started to read and I found myself with more and more interacting to what I had written, many wrote to me daily and I was truly surprised and touched by how many really came across as caring.
Gradually I wasn’t just achieving what I set out to do, I was also gaining a group who cared, people who either read to learn about their illness or why friends and family who were ill did those strange things we chronically ill do. Being able to pour out my life without hiding anything, meant others read because it is so clearly true and so clearly written for others to understand, but yes it is now also written for me. Writing lets me work out a lot of the things I don’t understand, others will chip in with their idea’s and slowly my problem is answered. I have been lucky enough to have an on line family as outside my husband and daughter well I am on my own, writing means I am never lonely, never alone. It gives me as much as I hope it gives to anyone who reads it, I find inspiration from all of those now around me, every message here or on twitter really does make me smile, as someone has thought about me. I never headed out to have “follower”, I wanted to educate and amuse those who were like me, but suddenly I have contacts around the world and many without any illness at all, they simply follow my life. Daily I gain strength and even more reasons to write as I don’t want to let anyone down, this is in some ways filling that need we all have to work, I can’t earn money from this but I can work set hours, achieve daily targets and interact with those who don’t live with me. The virtual world isn’t meant to be real, but sorry to point this out, I am a good measure of others and those I have found are very real, just as I am. So “How does sharing this journal affects your life and your attitude toward these events.”, it affects everything, it gives and it takes, it strengthens but at times it is worrying and draining as I fear the advise I give when asked may be wrong. It allows me to share with everyone who is interested in real life, that we the invisible live daily and I hope it shows those who feel invisible, that there is no longer any need to not be part of the world. I guess the final affect is one that will only become clear as time goes on, I promised that I would write for as long as I can, none of us really know what that means. Writing has given me a life that I didn’t expect as it gave me you.
I can categorically say that I do have a full blown head cold and chesty cough, I can also confirm that Morphine does dampen all of it! I knew before I went to bed last night that my head felt as though it was going to explode and my lungs where filled with liquid, the only thing I was and still seem to have avoided is the need to blow my nose. I woke about an hour early this morning to find that I was in agony, my breathing was heavy and being restricted further by spasms, I simply had to get up and when I did, well everything cascaded, with sinus pain not just under my eye as I have had it before, but right round to my ear. As normal when something like this attacks my MS decides to go mad and pain flares up everywhere, I knew that the pain wasn’t going anywhere and I still had a long time to go until I could take my daily meds, so I took my top up Morphine, in 15 minutes, everything and I do mean everything was calming down, a bit of an extreme form of medication I admit, but I was just happy it gave me some peace. I could even swallow and cough correctly with my ribs now free to move, improved further when I was able to take my COPD meds as they clear my lungs extremely well. I guess that I will just have to live with it until it eventually decided to say good bye.