The sight of what

There is something horrid about the day that the shopping arrives, just opening the fridge this morning was depressing, there is almost nothing left in it. I know that within an hour that will change and the choice of food will then be the problem. All my adult life I have shopped like this, once a fortnight I used to go the supermarket, before the internet was available and no shops in between. I can’t see the fun that many get traipsing around supermarket daily for what? And then every weekend buying more than they can ever use. The internet shopping is the most wonderful tool to cut what you spend as there is no wondering around picking up things that just look good. I have though found a new problem, one I doubt many have but when the shopping arrives it is all placed in the hall, I deal with fridge and freezer, then the rest wait where it was left for Adam to put away. I never have the hall light on, but I know where the shopping is and I just walk around it, the new problem is that I am now walking around shopping that isn’t even there! I did it for the first time around about two months ago, I left the living room and instead of walking straight across to the kitchen, I veered of to the right to safely pass absolutely nothing. I have lost count now how many times I have done this and I just keep doing it, that is until two weeks ago I headed for the kitchen and straight into a pile of coke bottles. How ever I have set the reminder in my brain of what to do when, it is failing big style!

As most know I don’t turn on lights and the curtains are closed all winter, which works when it comes to saving money but I know that Adam still finds it hard to navigate. I though have learned how to get around the house and get anything I want with no lights what so ever. I seem to have memories the distances, not counted the steps, just knowing how far everything is from here, I started doing it when my eyesight started to fail. My left eye is affected by my MS, Optical neuritis disturbs the vision, some times there are small blind spots where there is simply nothing other than black spots, at others it was one of my first symptoms other than pain and tiredness, I was 24 and because it fixed itself, I was told to forget about it. I get spells of pain behind my eye and my vision is often very blurred, on it’s own that might be OK but I have also had now for about 11 years Macular Degeneration in my right eye, add in being short sighted and I often wonder what the point of them is. Like everything else I have learned to deal with it all and if I am honest having the house in darkness actually makes life easier as bright light hurt. I guess like a blind person I have adapted and our home is no longer an obstacle course, all thought when I have a freehand I always seem to hold it out just short of the wall, just in case. The most dangerous time for me is when I get a optical migraine, I really can’t see then and just like any other migraine it makes me feel ill and dizzy, dizziness is always the danger but thankfully they are rare. Adam seems to have a constant fear that I will walk into or fall over everything, what he doesn’t get yet is the fact I normally don’t fall over anything, when I fall there is never anything involved in my accident other than just me, I am my own obstacle. Yet still every single day he reminds me that the LAN cable from the router to his laptop is lying across the floor, it’s been their daily when he is at home now for about 5 years and I have never even once come close to tripping.

When my eyes started to go, I kept going to the opticians and they kept sending me away until 10 years ago, with the diagnosis already known of MS, they suddenly gave me glasses for being short sighted and sent me to the hospital for test, which produced the list above. I always thought that loosing my sight was would be traumatic, but it wasn’t, it seemed to be some what minor as I had little left that needed precise vision, my hands no longer allowed me to do embroidery or any other handy craft, clearer vision was only needed for my PC and TV, for now well I see enough to live. I know that one day it will get worse and that what I see will let me down terribly, I guess that is why I have taught myself to do as much as I can with as little vision or even none in some areas. I have taken the time over the last few years to try and prepare myself what I think my future will hold, but the truth is none of us know exactly what comes next, all we can do is prepare ourselves for every possibility and hope that is only the most minor that ever start to plague us.