Yesterday afternoon I had this sudden desire to eat something I haven’t had for a while, it was one of those sudden moments of inspiration as it totally hit the mark. I don’t know why I actually stopped eating them but I did, so when I took that first mouthful of digestive biscuit, butter and thick cut traditional marmalade, I was in heaven. It’s strange how something so simple could taste so good and has been sat there in the cupboard just waiting for me to remember about them again. I am sure every single one of us has a guilty little pleasure, that isn’t part of any meal and probably wouldn’t even score on most peoples list of goodies. I am not a real lover of sweet things but this wins as the sharpness of the marmalade cuts through the sweetness of the biscuit, add in the saltiness of the butter and the balance is perfect. I needed that little treat as I was in pain, unable to get relief and not wanting to dive into the tablet cupboard, treats don’t take pain away but they help to make you just feel that touch better about yourself. I’m not sure what started it I found myself with pain cutting me in two, not in the normal magicians way through the waist line, no my magician was being far more inventive and cutting through my pelvic bone. It produced a pain that was all to familiar, as it reminded me totally of the pain you go through during the last weeks of pregnancy when you pelvic slackens to let the baby out, the only difference is I’m not pregnant. Anyone who has gone through pain like that knows all to well that it makes both sitting and standing that touch more difficult, I can only guess that instead of going into spasm that my pelvic muscles decided to collapse, slacken off and just not do what they are supposed to, no surprise there then.

It wasn’t until the evening when I was sat on the settee which is much lower, that it became that bad that I did fetch myself an extra boost on the morphine. I waited until I also needed a glass of coke then I stood up, I was suddenly aware of a spasm that took over my spine and both my legs, I had to stand there for a few seconds waiting for it to let go and for my pelvis to find the strength to take me through to the kitchen. I haven’t had that kind of spasm for a while now, it used to happen a lot but then suddenly stopped, I think I had convinced myself that it had gone for good, but that was a really stupid thing to think at all. As it passed I went and found the morphine I needed, still checking all the way through there was no other option even though I knew all to well there wasn’t. The pain yesterday had been like that most of the day, reaching extreme levels out of nowhere, then slowly dissipating, even then I was still not happy about taking a boost of any sort. What I have noticed in the past few days is when that pain has peaked and I am sat here at my PC, I have been reaching for my “pass through”, that’s the e cigarette that is permanently plugged in to a USB on my PC, I have been using it as you would use a gas and air machine. The “pass through” gives a larger dose of nicotine than the e cigarettes or even a real cigarette and that shot of nicotine taken in several deep draws is actually taking the edge of the pain, not when it is at it’s worst, but when it is at mid range. I have in the past noted that I was smoking more when my pain was bad, but the “pass through” had made me more aware of it. I did a search on line and it is actually recognised as a useful pain control, especially with nerve pain but due to it’s addictive nature it’s not prescribed. Despite that, when the pain is really bad there is still no option over taking more morphine, I took one early evening and I had to take a second in the middle of the night. I don’t know what has aggravated everything but even this morning I have had to resort to taking yet another blue pill, I suppose that all I can do right now is to see how it goes, with luck it will settle again and turn out to be nothing more than just a glitch.

I have started work on the changes I spoke about yesterday, here in my blog you will see little change to none at all, but those who follow me on Twitter or Facebook will soon start to spot it. I am actually reasonably sure that some will see it as an improvement as there won’t be quite so much repetitive chatter flying around, still there, but more limited, we just have to see if I can keep to it and then make the following step as well. I have faced the fact that I am no longer a superwoman, I am just human and a human that simply doesn’t have the health to keep pushing myself day in day out, beyond what my body is able to do.