Last night I was dying again, I was simply lying there waiting for it to happen but as always it didn’t. I don’t know what triggers that feeling, what it is that makes you totally believe that you won’t wake the next day and there is nothing what so ever can be done about it, other than to lie there and wait, to head for sleep and let it all slip away. It is a truly wild feeling as you would think that it would panic you and you would be fighting and making phone calls to 999 and getting to hospital as fast as you can. I have been there so often and always survived that I know there is no reason to panic, you just have to let the feeling go and it will, sleep passes through you and when you wake again you know then that yet again it hadn’t been worth a second thought. I think it was over a year ago now that I first mentioned feeling this way, I wrote about it very hesitantly expecting what I didn’t know, but it felt such a mad thing to feel that I suppose I thought people would tell me I was mad, but they didn’t. What came back to me were people, ordinary people who also knew all to well how it felt and who took the time to tell me so. That is one of the amazing things about being here on line and having found a community of people who actually help each other, you get a response to all those things that no matter how hard you search, you can’t find a single articular that tells you anything about what keeps happening in your life. Years ago those answers came from the true meaning of community, when we all couldn’t walk out of our homes without stopping to chat with almost everyone you passed, when people just dropped in for coffee without warning and there was always someone you know who wouldn’t laugh or think you mad regardless of the subject. So why did we start believing the Google could find the answer to everything? It took me as many years to fall in love with a search engine, as it did to finally realise that for real answers we actually truly need people. I have found that all to often the things that scare us, really scare us the most aren’t the things that are painful or obvious to others, they are the things we just don’t really know how to talk about and we can’t find the answer in books or on line. I remember when I wrote that post about the feeling I was going to die, Adam asked why I hadn’t spoken to him about it, I hadn’t spoken because I didn’t want him to either worry him about it or worse still to think I was truly mad and as I had proved, there wasn’t any reason to talk as there I was still alive. Often it is harder to talk to the ones we love, than it is to write about it or talk to our friends.
Once more I seem to have a bladder infection, just as the last time it is an odd one and I just can’t make up my mind if I need to call the doctor or not. Like all infections I find myself in real pain when I go to the loo, at times it burns so badly I find myself holding my breath. It started several days ago but it keeps coming and going, there has even been several days where I thought it was gone only to come back again. Yesterday evening it was worse than it had been so far, I was actually sat on the settee unable to find a position that would stop the pain as I know from experience it is better to have a full bladder than an empty one, all I had to do was wait for it to have something in it and then the pain would go. There has been no pain since, once again I feel as thought it is over, so my thoughts of speaking to the doctor today is once again not going to happen. This has been my third bladder infection in just four months, which isn’t funny, but it is very much part of having MS. For some reason the bladder doesn’t empty properly and infection sets in, until the last few months I have been lucky and sure that I wasn’t having any real issues, despite several years ago being shown how to use a catheter, something I was told to use 4 times a day. If you have ever used them you will know all the issues that go with them and there are a lot, very quickly you find a million reasons not to use them and I think I have proved that they were a head of my actually really needing them at all. So once again I find myself in a position were I know I should be using them at least once a day if not more, but I simply don’t want to. I just searched the word ‘catheter’ here on my blog and found 4 or 5 post where I have detailed their use and so on, but what surprised me is that all of them have one thing in common, I am in each of them and here, telling myself that I have to stop being stupid and just use them. I really do seem to have some sort of problem with the whole subject and I can’t really can’t think what it is, other than the list of excuses I have put into my previous posts. I can see they are nothing but excuses but I still don’t have the answer to why I just don’t get on with it, especially when I know the list of real health problems that can stem from not doing something so simple. I suppose I need to think this one through as there has to one thing behind it that I am missing, once I know what that is then I will be able to fix it.