It seems that life is set to keep you guessing and to confuse you constantly, I still haven’t the slightest idea what is up with me, all I do know is that I really am not myself. Yesterday the tears didn’t flow unstopped but still when they felt like it they appeared, today they are rarer still, but tears or not something is clearly wrong with me. Adam too knows that tears or not things are wrong, he says it is showing all the time, just sitting watching TV he says I am not myself, he sees it, I feel it. I am honestly not depressed in any way, it is more subtle than that, more a feeling like I am on a totally flat line, no ups, no downs just a constant same. Yes I am still laughing and yes I cried at the right spots in all the programs over Christmas that went out of their way to pull at your heart strings, but other than that I am strangely calm and totally levelled out about everything. I didn’t even get wound up yesterday when dinner went slightly wrong, I just happened and that was that, odd for me these days as the smallest things usually receive and exaggerated reaction, that’s just the damage I live with. Something isn’t right and for both of us to see it so clearly, well it has to be something of more than just note. Like everything in my life these days I guess it just has to be a sit back and wait situation, as I guess only time will tell.
Teressa and John are due back here today, I am actually just waiting for the phone to go and to here that they are on their way. One difference between Teressa and I is that she is more than happy to just lie in her bed and lie a bit more. I on the other hand just have to get up as soon as my body tells me I am awake, this morning was another where the pain over my right kidney woke me, I couldn’t get out of bed either as for the first time in ages, the elevator was stuck again. It took a lot of effort and a lot of pain before I was actually sitting on the edge of the bed, by which point I needed to run, well as close to run as is possible to get to the loo. It was an awaking that meant I was then up for the day, at first I headed for the kitchen as Adam was asleep in the living room but I was just to uncomfortable sitting on the perching stool so I entered the living room as quietly as I could, but not quietly enough. After I went to bed last night Adam had taken my three piles and I do mean piles, of documents and sorted them out, my waking him was his cue to let me know with pride what he had managed to do. I have to admit I was a little sceptical when he first offered to do it, as well the kitchen table is usually covered with quantities far larger than I had, but of the same type of stuff belonging to him, I had feared mine would just be blended into his and would stay there for ever. I apologise. All that is left to do is pick out the thing he didn’t know what to do with and it’s gone, all he has to do now, is his own.
I feel like I am in a total mess this morning but I am really just not up to spending time in the shower washing my hair and so on, it is just too much. I know I should be making an effort but I just don’t have the energy, I am very much in the mood to just be what I am today. I guess that Teressa and John are going to seem me as myself today rather than the tidied up and brighter side they saw earlier in the week. I went into cover up mode then, but I honestly don’t have the energy to do anything other than be myself, no matter how much of a mess I might appear to be in, there isn’t an alternative just around the corner. I am actually glad that Adam phoned a few minutes ago to tell me that I he was working through lunch and would be home just after 4 pm. I don’t know if he heard it but the relief I felt, was huge when I heard that. Another confirmation that tells me I am not right, why do I feel I need him here simply because my daughter is coming to see me? If there were one person in this universe other than Adam that I should feel at ease with is Teressa, yet here I am wanting him here with me, why? At this second I want to go to my bed and hide because I don’t have a clue what is going on, bed has always been my hidey hole, the place I run to when I just don’t know what is happening, it gives me the silence and comfort to just be able to think things through. Night time is not the time to do it as sleep takes control far to quickly and I need time, I guess it will just have to wait.