Little problems, little choice.

I seem to still be paying for my exertions although I did actually sleep last night, it was nice not to be woken over and over again just because there was no way of finding comfort. I know my mind was racing but I think that had a lot more to do with being bored and unable to find that much needed deep sleep. Right now I am just tired, I could quite happily head back into the bedroom and vanish under the duvet. I keep asking myself why I just don’t give in, even occasionally to that need to hibernate, but I can’t. It is almost as thought I have it etched into my brain, that day time is for action, night time is for sleep, but strangely when I had a job that required switching the two, I had no problem at all. I guess that is the power of our upbringing, work made it an acceptable switch, nothing else could come even close to the mark. I still to this day hear my mothers voice circling in my head telling me what and what not to do, the power of our parent seems to never actually really lets go. I guess that is one of those odd things we don’t take into account when we elect all our leader, who and what their mothers were, as I can guarantee their mothers will often be the people who are really laying down the law. I am also reasonably sure that if time travel existed and we could go back 3 or 4 generations in search of our great great great grandmothers, on our mothers side, we would know them not by their looks, but what they say and the way they say it, that tone that never leaves any of us.

I seem at the moment to lack the self motivation to get on with the lists of things that I can actually do, as yet I haven’t started my life plan, nor have I done anything about sorting out my will and so on that I spoke of several months ago now. I just don’t seem to be able to make myself do any of them, I have been too busy working on ways to leave me with less and less time to even sit and do nothing, when the truth is I need to do the opposite. I seem to be lurching for one side to the other, one day I try to clear the decks and simplify my daily life, then the next I am once again adding small improvements to what I do on twitter and Facebook that all eating in to the little time I have. Finding a balance that works just isn’t happening, my twitter family have become the people who I just don’t want to let down, just as I didn’t want to let down those I used to work for and with. I don’t know what other do who are housebound, or what those in the past did, other than read, but I know that I have a need to be part of something. I have often wondered why I have avoided the slipping into depression that so many others do and I honestly think this is the difference, I have so many wonderful people who rely on me to write to them daily, supplying my life story and the words that inspire them to get through their day. It is a position I never imagined I would be in, well why would I, I see myself quite differently than I am sure you see me. To me you, all of you have become my daily inspiration, you all make me smile and laugh so often that the fact you are so far away has vanished, you’er all here inches from me. So you can see my problem, I don’t want to let you down, any of you, as I am never let down by any of you. So on I go daily ensuring that I don’t miss or forget all the things people love, trying to find more and better ways of doing things and pushing myself harder than I should, because that is the only way I can show my gratitude for keeping me sane, but I am beginning to find it just that bit too much. I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to do it, I need somehow to trim down what I do on twitter, it’s just finding the right way of doing it. Why is doing the right thing for yourself a million times harder than doing the right thing for others? I know I have developed my activities on line to a huge extent but I would still recommend to anyone who is housebound to follow my lead, but just not to as large an extent as I have. If you want to stay sane in this mad housebound world, then you have to build a new world, one that is actually at your finger tips and there 24 hrs a day is ideal.

Adam put it into my head the other week that it might be a good idea to buy a new office chair as I find this one so uncomfortable, on the surface a good idea, in reality it is turning out to be impossible. When I decided I wanted a desk in the living room, I decided that I would take advantage of a small section at the back of the room and I would build a desk to fit it. We went and bought the wood and the chair together and I built it all to fit the space and the chair, there is a problem in custom built furniture, if in the future you want to change anything, you have to find something identical! DIY was something I loved and spent many many hours fiddling, I even loved painting including all the different techniques and all are growing into the same problem. Most of the rooms need redecorating and I am not able to do it, which brings it down to Adam and he hates it, clear in the fact it took him several weeks to paint the smallest space in the house, the hall. Another problem that I didn’t think about when I was told I had a chronic illness, who will decorate the house now? If I had the cash I would phone the guy who fitted our bathroom as he was fast and fantastic, but the money is not there. It seem that the problems just keep growing, none I know are of earth shattering importance but growing all the same, it’s another one of those list I thought about years ago, a list of unexpected problems that disability creates.