No more walking

Last night was the night from hell, it was my own fault as I had quite simply been on my feet far too much but I had a task to carry out and I wanted it done. Yes I know all about pacing but there are times when you are over run by a need to do something simple and complete it, all I was doing was cleaning some atomizers, they needed soaking in a solvent then boiled to remove the residue before placing on the heater to dry out, but it meant going back and forward to the kitchen far too many times. Alone that would have been bad enough but later I remembered that I had bought some cranberry sauce and I had some parsnips in the freezer, the desire to cook them and pig out grew to the point where it just had to be done, several more trips to the kitchen. By the time I was sat watching “Hollyoaks” our nightly does of living in a world where reality can’t be found, no matter how hard you try, I was in pain without any relief. I took all my evening meds and sat lost in more TV madness, but my mind was fixed totally on where the pains were and trying to work out where the next would appear. By 8:30 I was locked in a straight out fight and one that I knew lying down wouldn’t help, I spent a further half hour trying to relieve the pain without any success, surrendering to the only possibility left, one of my booster pills and bed.

I lay there waiting for morphine to take hold while I tried to relax and to let the pain go. When you are engulfed with pain like that you find yourself wondering the stupidest things, questions jump into your mind, like what does a deep vein thrombosis feel like, because that pain in your leg might be one. The sudden gripping pain low in your stomach, which I was told 40 years ago was a grumbling appendix, flares up in it’s intensity and you wonder if it has had enough of just grumbling and was learning to shout. Your brain runs round a million stupid things, none of which you really believe to be true, but they have appeared and once there shutting them up is like trying to stop a train. It took 20 minutes for that sudden rush that told me the morphine was at last taking hold, I thought that would be it over, any second the pain would subside and sleep would take over. I waited and I waited, lying as always on my back, but although calmed a little it didn’t let go, I wasn’t going to sleep at least not as I usually do. I haven’t been able to lie on my side now for over a year, but when everything else fails you grasp at the least likely thing to actually make a difference. I still can’t lie on either of my sides, it was such a stupid thing to do as even with the pain blocker in place the second I touched my side to the mattress it felt as though I had never taken it. I don’t remember now what it was all about but my mind was playing out scenarios from the past, still trying to work out where it went wrong and what would the result would have been if I had done just that one tiny extra step. I was flying between childhood, my last jobs, doctors appointments, everywhere and anything that sparked connections. From time to time I looked at the clock, 20 mins, an hour, 30 minutes, the time was moving in jumps but I wasn’t really sleeping, there was just too much pain. I know I must have slept for a short while as suddenly it was 1:30, four and half hours since I took the morphine, four and half hours where the pain hadn’t gone and was now as bad as ever. I waited, why I don’t know, possibly because I just didn’t want to move but I waited for half an hour and then for the first time since I have had the option to take extra pain relief, I took a second and waited again. This time once they had blocked what they could I slept, waking before the alarm sounded as once more the pain was screaming at me. I can’t be sure how much sleep I really had last night, all I remember of it was hours of pain filled with questions.

You develop some strange new skills when your body has given up being supple and or agile in any way, I don’t know when I learned to do this, but I noticed a few weeks ago the I now put on and take of my socks, without my entire foot ever being off the floor, in fact not just my socks, to be honest I deal with my trousers in just the same way. It doesn’t seem that long ago that I would happily lift my foot well clear of the floor, resting my leg over the knee of my other leg and simply slip a sock on. Dressing and undressing was fast fluid process, yet now it has become a painful puzzle that I didn’t put any thought into it, yet just like the “vulture position” I described yesterday, an adaptation has appeared. It is actually so difficult and exhausting holding my foot clear of the floor, that for the purpose of dressing they now know longer do. It does seem that all the adaptations we create, all have one thing in common, they are ungainly and preferably things we don’t want other to see us doing. Sitting with your legs apart and your chest almost touching your knees, while you are slipping a rolled up sock over your uplifted toes, then tilting your foot to balance on your toes, so that you can slide the sock the rest of the way, can not in any way be seen as an elegant and or graceful process. The more I catch myself doing things in new or different ways, I realise that most have one thing in common, my legs! You just don’t realise in daily life how many things require you to either crouch, bend, lift or push with your leg muscles, or even just how much we rely on our balance. I know that I know hardly ever really walk as I use to, most of my journeys around the house are done in more a shuffling action, I just don’t have the strength to do anything else. All my strength is taken up just simply carrying my body, the less my legs are lifted the less the effort and eventually the less the pain.

I don’t know how today will pan out but I know already that I have spent the last 4 hours sitting here in yes pain, I haven’ taken a booster as I want to hold on to them for when everything is at it’s worst and I can’t take any more. What I do know without the slightest doubt, I will not be moving around any more than I absolutely have to.

4 thoughts on “No more walking

  1. we will always push ourselves in order to get tasks completed for fear our memories wont recall or our bodies will be too exhausted and it is all too often our downfall as we push ourselves too far and end up suffering the all too obvious reprecussions HUGS

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  2. Thinking of you as you struggle with pain. I too am familiar with the effects of doing too much and then paying for it the following day(s). It’s human nature though, to want to carry on enjoying what we are doing and not stopping when we know we should. I hope that your body soon stabilises and gives you some relief. Take care. Hugs xxx

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  3. Can only agree with the other comments and how we do push ourselves too hard sometimes, for many reasons. I have let myself be dragged into my son’s madness, mainly because it involved going to the Cathedral or school to see my beloved 9 year old Grandson singing in the choir, this is his first year as a “probationer”. But it’s been too much and I found myself in terrible pain trying to stand singing the carols or other service things at the lower school service last Friday, the 6th, what made it much worse was getting manipulated into going with my daughter-in-law, Granddaughter&her cousin(who I hardly know and has mild learning difficulties)that evening to a town miles outside city as daughter-in-law was playing in her brass band. She is a wheelchair user, so talk about blind leading blind, metaphorically speaking! I had a booking to go to London by train to see my brother on Tuesday, though we didn’t do as much as usual, like go to a play/show, still very tiring&he doesn’t really understand my difficulties. Then Wednesday lunchtime was out to a Christmas meal with my local Fibromyalgia Group and it’s outside city in a “you have to have a car” to get to it so I had to go by bus for about 30 mins to meet with woman who was to give me a lift rest of way. We met at a shopping centre and there were crowds, find harder and harder to deal with.

    On top of this there has been the crazy amount of endless paperwork arriving from Housing Benefit, still due to that temp job I took for 6 weeks that ended in early November, but tax credits still get paid for a further 4 weeks. Some days, 4 different automated sheaths of paper arrive in the same post, all in separate envelopes, all saying different things. Then there’s been letters from Jobcentre and JSA claim, now closed, ESA, have given me temporarily. But the dreaded ESA50 form has arrived from ATOS, to be completed and returned by latest 10/1/2014, so am stressing out about that. Have also noticed that don’t seem to have been given as much rent allowance as before and I seem to lost the extra £20 disability premium I got weekly with my JSA? So I will have to go to both places tomorrow to try to get an explanation. Unsurprisingly, I felt myself coming down with a cold/bug yesterday and feel dreadful, though better as day has progressed. Having nightmares/weird dreams about ATOS and other stuff and even finding typing correctly difficult, feel unbelievably weary and can’t stand this Christmas nonsense!! Back to GP on 23rd and really hoping he will sign me off again.

    On plus side, my son has gone away to Cornwall for a 3 day work get together and I have Grandson to stay from today until Thursday. It’s also a chance for him to relax and not have every minute of his time, even leisure highly controlled. Only get to see him for very short bursts of time and often it’s spoiled by my son’s ways&other complicated family goings on at their end.

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