Beaten up and waiting

I have no problem remembering what I am going to write about today as I can still feel it. I woke yesterday from my afternoon nap with both my thighs in spasm, that for me is a really odd thing to happen, it is very rare for me to have spasm once I am asleep, I actually thought the fact you were so relaxed made it almost impossible for it to happen. It woke me quickly but I lay there for a while unsure what was going on as the spasm was odd, it was pulsing, getting tighter and tighter with little breaks where it started to relax, before tightening again. By the time I had myself sat up in bed, it was at last freeing up, the elevator is quite gradual in it’s movement, especially in situations where you want to fly to your feet. Once sat on the side of the bed it was almost gone completely, all that remained was the residual pain, just like the pain you would feel if you have been climbing a hill using you thigh muscles to lift the rest of you. It is that residual pain that I can still feel, every time I stand up or try to move I am instantly reminded of what woke you yesterday afternoon, I can only guess that they must have at some point been cramped far worse than I thought at the time as it is really odd to still feel it the next day, but if it was this and this alone, I doubt I would have written anything about it at all, yes there is more.

Not unusually my evening was spent as I spend so many trying to find the right position to sit where I could breath with ease, but I was having really bad spasms in my diaphragm, last nights were in the in the nature of complete circles of my body and on top of that there where areas through out my ribcage where I was dealing with stabbing pains, most short lived but all painful. As bad as that sounds that is how I spend most evenings, it’s not that it doesn’t happen during the day, they quite definitely do, but the evening once my attention is only on the the TV, has a habit of making them feel worse than during the day. Even when I was sat on the settee I knew that things were not right, there was something subtly different about all of it. When I went to bed I had already found myself feeling as though I had pulled almost every different muscle in my rib cage, from my shoulders down almost to my waist at the back, lying down didn’t make it any better. It took me a while to go to sleep even after taking my morphine booster, the worst pain was still in my diaphragm it was as thought it had become totally solid and had no give in it at all, but it was clearly still working OK as I wasn’t breathing with the top half of my lungs only.

That was yesterday, but this morning I feel as though I have been beaten up, there isn’t really any other way of describing it. There are sharp pains all over the place, from my armpits to my neck, my waist, my entire back and including my legs as well. My head seems to be the only thing that is totally unaffected and spasms are still happening where ever they choose, but luckily not as intense as they were yesterday. I have no idea what caused the change, but this is not something I am used to in any way. Yes I am all to used to spasms but not like these, normally the area will ache for a few minutes maybe an hour once the spasm is over, but never into the next day and never leaving me feeling as though I am covered in invisible bruises. I guess that is the one good thing, they are invisible, I have lived far to often with real ones to know how unattractive they are. It seems to have upset my lungs as well but I suppose that is to be expected as if you ribs aren’t moving as they should, your lungs can’t either. I know that I have no choice but to live with this stupid thing but there are times when it all just seems to much and I just want to crawl in to my bed and hide.

I guess that is the way illness gets to you, I have never known anything like it for making you so aware of yourself. It has been something I have been aware of for most of my life, when ever something is wrong in one area, you suddenly find yourself checking everywhere else. Not just listening to your body, but hearing it even when it has nothing to say at all. I know all to well how easy it is to start believing there is something else wrong with you, but I learned very quickly that I have to wait, wait and double check, wait and see if it just goes away, wait because other wise you look like a complete idiot to everyone, especially doctor, who you really need on your side. I am almost certain that anyone with a chronic illness will know exactly what I mean, as you become hyper aware and hyper sensitive to every part of your body. I remember the last flare I had before I was diagnosed with MS, it was about a year before I met Adam and it was also the first time I was forced to take time off work. For three weeks I drove myself mad, writing down every twinge and ache ever spasm and every time I was forced to bed as I was too exhausted to even sit up. the doctor had signed me off as he thought I had a virus, I wasn’t convinced as I recognised it and I wanted it documented and the real reason found. The not knowing what was wrong, made the whole thing worse, but even now that need to know hasn’t gone it’s just changed, now I want to know what caused that particular pain, which muscle group it belongs to and today why is it so different from so many other days.

Illness, all illness has some element of madness attached to it, it’s unavoidable as your body will drive you mad without you even knowing it. It’s a constant battle of what is happening and how can I control it or stop it happening again. So you listen, every second of everyday without even knowing your doing it, there has to be an answer somewhere and if you can only answer one question, well it’s a good result. Maybe, just maybe I will have one positive result today.