It’s gone again

Half an hour ago I knew what I wanted to write about today, but I was doing something else when the idea appeared and I stupidly didn’t keep a note of it, I just kept working away in the stupid idea that I would still know when I was ready to write. Why is it that no matter how many years I have been dealing with a sieve of a memory, I still haven’t learned the most basic ways of doing the right things? I actually have made excuses for myself in the past, but I actually think they are closer to the truth, rather than an excuse. We don’t write things down, simply because we can’t remember to take those basic steps, my memory is that bad that it isn’t about doing the right thing, it’s a matter of not even remembering what the right thing is. I carry on blindly totally unaware until I hit a point like this, the point where I remember not doing it, stupid I know but I just can’t seem to get round it any longer. Loosing your short term memory isn’t as easy to deal with as so many think it is, I have to admit that I get angry now when someone cleverly says, just write thing down and you will manage fine. I want to shout back at them, “How stupid do you think I am, do you really think that in the past 10 years that I haven’t thought of doing that or had someone else try to teach me all the coping mechanisms!” I have spent a fortune over the years trying to get to grips with it, buying filofaxs, palm pads, dictaphones, sticky pads and loads of other things, none of them helped as I forgot to use them. Memory is a funny thing and you can often treat it as a joke, but the joke runs thin, when you are in the kitchen for the 10th time in an hour, with no idea what you are there for. Yes I know you are meant to stay there, not leave the room and try to think back over your steps, until the reason is found, I just do something else and go back to where I was before the thought appeared, 10 minutes later I remember and I try again.

I can’t believe what just happened, I stopped to think about this next paragraph, I stood up and went to the kitchen, half way there I realised I was only going there because I had just written about it. It is a classic description of what I deal with daily, for once it happened at a time when it is useful, all to often I can’t remember things to describe that will truly show what life is like without a brain, so I thank it for once supplying one. Memory loss doesn’t just mean you can’t remember what you are supposed to be doing, it also means you do thing for no reason. I wish I could count up the hours that I waste each week just staring into space with my mind totally blank, no idea what I am going to next or even what I am thinking, because it is usually nothing. Memory loss isn’t just about the obvious, the forgotten tasks or the words you wanted to say, it is something that grasps and effects every minute of your waking hours. You can forget everything, whether or not you have eaten that day, when you last went to the loo, now that one has caught me out often, regardless of what my body tells me, my mind can over ride it, only to find later that on standing I should have made a trip to the toilet ages ago. If there is anything you do normally in a day, anything that needs to be done, no matter how important, you can totally forget it was ever even in your mind.

At first it was incredibly scary, I would sit with tears running down my face because once again I hadn’t the slightest idea what I was doing. At times I was terrified by it, sure that I was going to forget everything including who I was, but the more you can’t remember, the easier it gets. I actually find that those spells I sit staring into space, seem almost to be like rebooting a computer, I don’t mean that suddenly I remember everything, that would be too easy, no it is as though they calm the panic that starts to grow, making sure I stay calm and then allowing me to move on. I wish I could fix all of it just by having a to do list, if it was that simple I would be living by one, but it just doesn’t work. You can’t replace your life with a list to take you from 7:30 am to 8:00 pm, because life isn’t all to do’s, it’s far more complex and far deeper than a few lines to tick off.

I had some great new the other day, at last my son in law has found a job. John has been trying hard ever since they married to find something in his line, both of them used to work for Sega, but when Teressa transferred to the London office, John’s job didn’t follow. After all the problems they had with the bureaucracy of getting John into the country, then arranging their wedding and finding their first home, the final piece of the puzzle is now complete. It is really going to change their lives as living on just Teressa’s wages, as John never claimed anything of the state, meant money was tight, this will change everything, they can now really start living their life together. He isn’t starting work until January, so they will still both here in Scotland for Christmas during which time we will see them hopefully for a couple of days. Unfortunately the entire transport system closes down early on Christmas Eve, not returning to normal until the 27th, so we will just have to wait and see what happens. They will be heading south again to spend New Year with her father. I find it slightly amusing that once again Teressa’s life is mimic mine, I used to travel around the country every holiday season, I just hope she doesn’t feel that they have to do so. I know I did and landed up never actually having any other type of holiday, although family is important, it is also important to live your own life, something I all to often forgot.