Accepting it’s happening

Nothing to do with my MS I know but I have a really sore shoulder and arm this morning, what ever happens to me it always seems to be my left side that it happens to. Injury or illness, you can guarantee it will be my left side that reacts first and worst, I guess just as neither side of us is an exact copy of the other to sight, it appears that neither side is identical in it’s strength or health. I know totally that it is from sitting here constantly using the control c or control v buttons, coping and pasting things from or to twitter and my spreadsheet, which without I would never manage to get anything done, repetitive actions, with only one alternative and that is to type everything, I would be here for days, just to sort out one. I am actually really surprised that it hasn’t happened before, but I assumed it hadn’t as I had a prefect set up for me to work, it’s nearly 10 years since I bought this chair and built a desk to fit the space in the living room, 10 years off sitting here for at least 5 hours a day and building from there to as many as 14, all without a single problem until now, why? It has meant that I have had to leave one job half done as I really had to change what I was doing, I was at screaming point to be honest, one more repeated action and I would have blown my top. Mind you that’s a feeling that has appeared all to often and nothing to do with repeated physical actions, I used to feel it most when training staff, I never was that good with people who just didn’t listen, then asked again and again the same questions. So here I am going back and forward trying to do small sections of work, before moving to something totally different, just to let the muscles rest. The result is I am now doing something that anyone with my memory and concentration problems really shouldn’t even try, I almost know before I go any further that I am at some point, going to find myself in one hell of a mess and no idea what I am meant to do next.

Sometime it is all to easy to find yourself doing just what you know is the exact thing you shouldn’t ever be doing, yesterday I wanted something out of the cupboard under the sink, I crouched down and found what I was looking for, I put on to the surface above, then I tried to stand up. Something had already told me that I had done the wrong thing in crouching, I should just have bent over, but the cupboard is dark and to reach what I wanted, well I had to either crouched or kneel. My leg muscles just wouldn’t give me the power I needed to stand up again, I tried several different things, including trying to pull myself up using the side of the sink, but this resulted in my sliding across the few inches of floor that separated me from the unit and dropping me onto the floor, on my backside. I manage to nicely sweep and collect the dust on the floor onto my dressing gown as I made my way to my perching stool, sliding across the floor on my backside, whilst pushing with my feet. The perching stool was of coarse on the opposite side of the room, it is the only thing in the kitchen which allows me the leverage required to stand again. I swear that I am becoming less and less able to stand from any position where I have managed to bend my legs beyond a 45 degree angle, even chairs are getting more and more difficult. I can actually see that within a few years I will be using a zimmer, not to walk so much, but simple to give me something solid and stable to rise through the power in my arms, but when they go, well I don’t have the slightest idea.

It is always easy for people to say well don’t do it, when it comes to things like yesterday, but unless you are able to do nothing other than just sit in one place all day long, you will find yourself without the slightest thought doing just what you shouldn’t. All of us hate to admit and actually forget the things we can’t do, I remember a friends Granny who landed up in hospital aged 91, she had been washing her feet in the bathroom sink. I have held that picture in my mind now for many years as a reminder of just how stupid we are when it comes to our own measurement of our abilities. I am sure she didn’t give it the slightest thought until she found herself on the floor with luckily only a broken arm, that’s the big problem with life, we aren’t ever able to see ourselves as anything less than perfect. It is our own impression of ourselves that makes it so hard to accept what is happening, I am sure no one would have thought less of me if I had accepted the offer of a wheelchair a full year before I eventually asked for one, it was my impression of me that made me struggle on without one. I guess actually that is one of the actual advantages in being housebound, I am far more willing these days to accept help, almost as thought becoming housebound gave me permission to be ill and to admit it.

The insoles I have been waiting for from the podiatrist arrived yesterday, now all I have to do is find a pair of slippers that they will fit easily in and have a Velcro adjustable strap as required. I’m not sure how I am meant to do that on line, I could land up buying several pairs before finding ones that will fit the bill and me. One of the joys of not going out is not having to buy clothes to go out in, it is now over 2 years since I bought anything and then it was off Ebay, not the best place to buy should you find what you have bought isn’t suitable at all. Short of sending Adam out on a search for black ladies slippers, that also fit all the other criteria, it is going to be a guessing game, although Adams feet are the same size as mine, I really think it would be a request to far, unless I can get someone to follow and take pictures for everyone’s amusement. I guess this is actually a web search, boring but it has to be done. With the insoles they sent a 4 page A4 size leaflet that explains exactly what has happened to my feet and what I need to do to improve it. I am 100% sure that the majority of people who receive it, will just like me skim, but not read it. By the second paragraph I was so bored that I just shut it and put it to one side. Sometimes I think they really need to work on making these things readable by someone who isn’t in a medical position, it was filled with words I couldn’t pronounce, far less understand without looking them up. I guess it’s time to start searching Ebay, I know my reluctance to even looking is because I can’t help seeing slippers as something little old women wear, not exactly stylish or youthful in any way. Once again I am fighting with my self image, just like admitting I can stand up once on the floor, I hate to admit that I have to wear slippers, or even some sort of soft shoe with insoles to support my feet, the whole thing takes a lot of letting go and accepting, neither are always easy.