I have been home now for a couple of hours now, just trying to catch up on all that hasn’t been done. I have to say the whole trip to the hospital went incredibly well, the ambulance arrived just when I thought it would and once at the hospital we only had to wait about 15 minutes to be seen and as my appointment wasn’t for another half hour, I was well impressed. Because of all the problems we have had in the past I was actually rather naughty, I booked the ambulance saying that my appointment was at 10:00am, it wasn’t, it was for 10:45. I wanted the ambulance early because the system they work means that those who are brought to the hospital by transport are seen before those who make their own way there. I wanted to be early so that I would be ready to go home before they all started their lunch breaks, from that point on and all through the afternoon, the waiting time to go home just gets longer and longer, as all my past visits prove. It worked like a gem, I hadn’t been in the waiting to go home room for more than 10 minutes when they were there and we where on the way home. Something had to go wrong and it did, we had made it cleanly to the first landing when the stair climber stopped, the battery was dead. I was stuck there almost home but no way to making it up the rest of the stairs. One of the ambulance men went and made a phone call for a new battery to be brought, while I sat there getting cold, I had a growing feeling that I would be sat there for hours, wrong, it took just the time for me to have a cigarette and they were ready to go again. Just before midday I was home again and ready to get on with everything here, yes they hadn’t managed the whole thing without a hic-up but it was close.

Adam and I were with the doctor for about 20 minutes, as always it wasn’t the same consultant that we saw the first time and I found myself rather confused by what he had to say, as it didn’t fully match with what I was told before. Adam said that it was, but just a different interpretation, but with confusion something that tops my list of memory tricks, I just can’t be totally sure. It seems that it is more my MS than the emphysema that is destroying my ability to breath, I had it in my head that they were both doing the same amount of damage 20% each, totally 40% not working as it should. This times there were no percentages, but a clear belief on his side that yes I do have emphysema, yes it is doing damage and yes I do need to take the medication I have been given, but the real problem, is my MS. All the pain and all the discomfort, the hours spent trying to find a position that would allow me to breath, are all down to the part of the problem that nothing can be done about. I did know that before, as I knew totally that yes I could stop smoking, but my MS would still go on destroying my breathing regardless. That was why I went through all the possibilities and decided to continue smoking as it really didn’t matter as far as my health goes.

Just as my MS specialist had said years ago, that apart from continuing my medication, there was little that they could do for me, yes I was welcome to see them when I felt I needed to, but there was little purpose in annual visits, I have now also been told the same by this morning consultant. The door is open should I feel I need their help and that I have to watch out for any chest infections as they could clearly cause me problems and I should see them if it is a severe bout. I am more than happy with that arrangement as going to hospital to have them pat you on the head and say see you in a year, well it wasted everyone time, any reason not to go on a stair climber gets my vote. For some reason I can’t explain even to myself, this time it upset me in a different way, this time I have come home feeling that I have lost even more of me and I have even less control over my health. So here I am sitting breathing with only the top half of my lungs as my diaphragm is solid and I can find no relief, just as I do daily but this time, this time I am blaming in capitol letters, I am BLAMING my MS as it is suddenly all it’s fault. That believe me is far more scary than emphysema, that is a slow build up system, my MS could and can stop me breathing when ever it feels like it. Which actually puts the decision of my left thumb to not work properly this morning, as a really minor unimportant nothing.

For now I need to sleep, which is one of the unavoidable side affects of going out, I’m drained and ready to sleep where I am, but I would prefer to actually do so in my bed, just a touch more comfortable, believe me.