Freedom

Ever since I started having the spasms from hell I have also been sweating buckets, I didn’t actually think so much liquid could come out of my skin when I am sat totally still. I didn’t even sweat that much when I spent hours dancing nightly when I was a DJ, in fact I’m not sure I ever really did, but now I can ripple it across my skin with my hand without moving a muscle, before anyone shouts, menopause, let me stop you there. Every account I have ever heard of the menopause combines with the sweats also comes a ragging increase of temperature, I have succeeded in doing the opposite, I feel as though I have taken up residence in a freezer. You skin is actually something that you have to take greater care of when your mobility has diminished. Pressure sores are the problem most people think of but there is another that I didn’t take account of until a couple of years ago. As your weight increases and it will, you start to form folds in your skin, were there were no folds before and deeper ones where there might have been tiny ones, all of them will require care from yourself and eventually someone else, ignore them and they brake up and start to fester, the smell is really unpleasant but it isn’t until you smell it, that you then start to feel it. You skin is actually something that you have to take greater care of when your mobility has diminished. Pressure sores are the problem most people think of but there is another that I didn’t take account of until a couple of years ago. As your weight increases and it will, you start to form folds in your skin, were there were no folds before and deeper ones where there might have been tiny ones, all of them will require care from yourself and eventually someone else, ignore them and they brake up and start to fester, the smell is really unpleasant but it isn’t until you smell it, that you then start to feel it. You skin is actually something that you have to take greater care of when your mobility has diminished. Pressure sores are the problem most people think of but there is another that I didn’t take account of until a couple of years ago. As your weight increases and it will, you start to form folds in your skin, were there were no folds before and deeper ones where there might have been tiny ones, all of them will require care from yourself and eventually someone else, ignore them and they brake up and start to fester, the smell is really unpleasant but it isn’t until you smell it, that you then start to feel it. You skin is actually something that you have to take greater care of when your mobility has diminished. Pressure sores are the problem most people think of but there is another that I didn’t take account of until a couple of years ago. As your weight increases and it will, you start to form folds in your skin, were there were no folds before and deeper ones where there might have been tiny ones, all of them will require care from yourself and eventually someone else, ignore them and they brake up and start to fester, the smell is really unpleasant but it isn’t until you smell it, that you then start to feel it. This morning I was forced to take a shower as my clothes were soaked through and I just couldn’t stand it any longer. I have started an experiment as I have always had a huge problem that has accompanies sweating, anywhere that skin meets skin I am prone to sores if they stay wet, so I have used an antiperspirant in all possible sites, including the one I have spent hours putting creams onto as the skin is already broken. I just hope it works as anything that makes life simpler and more comfortable is always welcome.

Illness takes always so many things, most of which we don’t even notice at first, I didn’t notice it happening but it was there, the gradual drip by drip of my freedom vanishing. Not the freedom of walking out of my front door, no not that, although I suppose even that was a slow process over many years. At first just a change that allowed me to work at home 2 out of 5 days, increasing bit by bit and then the sudden change that stopped me from even opening the door. No that’s not the freedom that I am talking about, this is the freedom of dreams and the freedom of your soul. I hear often people saying that your mind can take you everywhere and that even when housebound you are still free to dream. To a point that is true, but all of us have dreams that didn’t start yesterday, they are the dreams we lived with and add to, embellish and build sure in our hearts that they will come true. They are the dreams that will be changed and renamed as goals and then plans, finally becoming reality, just waiting for the finances to be available, that inheritance, or pensions plan that will finally set them free.

I haven’t travelled since I was a child, when I was dragged here and there to places where the temperature was so high it killed you to breath and the heals of your shoes sank into the tarmac. They were my parents dreams, my parents freedom and I was dragged along to all the places that were so far for where I wanted to go, that I found every minute of them a hell I just wanted to end. You have to buy into the dream of another if you are going to see and feel there ultimate freedom, I couldn’t buy into theirs. I haven’t left this country since as nothing I had seen made me want to go anywhere else, but then I started to build my dream, my freedom. I guess something on TV started it but I knew where I wanted to go and I wanted to travel even further north. My ultimate destination would have been Iceland and Greenland, failing that the Norwegian fiords, no package tour, no posh nasty plastic hotels, I wanted to truly explore. It would have taken months not days and I was happy to do it all on a shoestring as long as I got to see what inspired my dreams and my ultimate freedom.

Freedom is a place that we all have, it’s that place inside us where we hide and we dream. Freedom is a someday maybe, a possible place or thing, that would put the final polish and reason to why you are here, the reason that is yours and never shared as it’s just that bit too mad, for anyone else to be able to truly share. My health has stolen my freedom, yes I still have the dream but there are no longer the steps to take it any further. There a million definitions of what freedom is and yes many are still open to me, but being human, like every other human I want the freedom money permitting to be able to take my dreams and turn them into reality. From the grandest of my dreams to the smallest, not one can now move on to the next step.