Take this away

I had my tablet there in front of me on the kitchen counter, there was as often, one thing missing that required to be found from the depths of my drugs cupboard. I was so glad that Adam was also in the kitchen as the second I stood up from my perching stool I was overwhelmed by pain. I had to clamp myself on the kitchen counter, as the pain meant I couldn’t move at all or get even the smallest of breaths. My body had found something new to throw at me and it threw it with force, my diaphragm had thrown the tightest spasm it had managed to date, forcing it’s way up into my ribcage and squeezing the life out of my lungs. The entire cavity of my ribcage felt as though a steel ball had been thrust upwards into it, the pain travelled higher breaking through again at the very top of my back between my shoulder blades. I had been waiting for 7 o’clock and I was relieved when it arrived, on and off for the last hour I had been fighting pains I was sure were there due to my meds running out. There are always odd evenings where the final section before top up time where pain is able to get through to me in away that during the day they just can’t. I really thought that that was just the case but meds or not, that spasm made me wonder big time, it managed to repeat it’s act three times before I actually swallowed all the pills, I hurried out of the kitchen leaving Adam to fill my glass with coke and sort out what he had originally entered the room for. I went and hid in the bathroom as I was more than aware that the spasms just hadn’t gone and I didn’t want Adam to see me in that kind of pain, a pain I have done my best as always to cover. I knew by the look on his face that he had seen the horror I had failed to cover, he hurried to sort out what I needed with one eye on me through out.

For the few minutes I was out of sight I was able to compose myself again, new pains when they hit out like that always leave you lost as to how to deal with them. I needed just to get my head around what was happening and how best to let the pain ride itself out and still breath. Just walking through there to the bathroom had made me aware that the spasm hadn’t only caused pain upwards into my ribs, but I also had pain right across my stomach as though everything there had been pulled out of place as well. With the spasm now broken I was also aware of the pain across my back, but all of it was easing, there is nothing I or anyone else can do. Unlike a spasm in your leg or arm, where the muscles can be massaged and worked on to make them once again comfortable, when something goes into a spasm inside you, well you are it’s prisoner until it lets you free again. At that point there was little I could do other than to wait for my meds to take hold and to make sure that I once more looked just as I always do, not crushed or destroyed as I felt minutes before.

Adam was still busy in the kitchen and I was able again to move slowly to the living room, my feet and legs had remained all day in pain, a pain that didn’t like me to walk, lifting the ache to a sharp layer of broken glass, typical MS, taking what something is designed for and stopping it having anything to do with it. Lungs that can’t breath, hands that can’t undo buttons and feet that can’t walk, spot a pattern? I sat on the settee just watching TV with those annoying feet sitting on top of my warming bottle, again sorted out by Adam to save me from having to make another trip to the kitchen. I kept waiting to feel some change to stop the smaller spasms that wouldn’t go away, but at least had lessened in their intensity. 45 minutes passed and still the pain continued, it wasn’t getting better it was actually getting worse. Almost all of me from just above my breasts down to my waist was in pain, spasms kept happening, some smaller than others but none quite as bad as the first. I was finding no relief and I decided yet again to take my little blue pill, by the time I headed to bed I was ready to sleep. I am still not sure if those pills actually do make me want to sleep, or if I just sleep because it is late and someone has done me the courtesy of removing the worst of my pain.

Right now I still am not free of it, I slept OK but the second I woke and I tried to reach out for the control for my bed, I was instantly reminded of the events of last night. 30 yrs of living with MS and still it is finding new ways of shocking me with what it can do. It really has in the last month spent more time attacking my lungs than anything else, but I never expected such a direct and painful attack. By know I should be used to what my body can do by now, but I’m not. Pain always shocks, even when it is something you have lived with for many years, it doesn’t have to be new to manage that trick, but totally new, never happened before, well it’s harder to get your head around. I guess none of us want to believe that anything can ever happen to us that are not part of the history of our lives, yes their strength can vary, even their position, but usually we have known them before. Suddenly I am in a place where everything has been turned on it’s head, everything and anything can now happen. So what will happen tonight?