My day was in a bit of a muddle yesterday, it seemed OK on all the main points and I even completed the shopping that is due to arrive this morning. I don’t know how or where it went wrong but I was well behind on my timings and I was totally exhausted by 3pm, usually a time I don’t see as I am deeply asleep. I closed the house down and headed there with great relief, for some reason I didn’t set my alarm, I don’t on odd occasions as I know that Adam will wake me when he comes home, if I don’t wake myself before that. I actually slept right through to 6:30 when Adam made it home from work, so I should have been rested and ready to have a good evening. Adam as always thought there was something terribly wrong when he came home to find the house not only in darkness but also silence, I don’t know what he thinks will happen to me, but if I am not where he thinks I should be, he dives into flat out panic. It isn’t just when I haven’t appeared for the bedroom when he thinks I should, all I have to do is make it to the bathroom without him knowing and to him I seem to have vanished. He will then get up and search the house, not that there is much to search, I guess it shows he cares. I actually had to laugh this morning when the alarm went off at 7:30, when the clocks changed he miss set it for 7:32, the result was Adam in a panic every morning as I wasn’t out of the bedroom when he expected to see me. Clearly the panic had been too much for him as without saying anything this morning, it was at last at the correct time.
Having slept for so long my evening should have been a longer one and one where my brain had a chance of actually keeping up with the slow pace we normally live at. Just before 7:30 I again found myself wanting to head of to bed, but I decided to hold off and make myself stay up, when Eastenders started Adam went into the kitchen to wash the glasses. I won’t have our crystal glasses go into the dishwasher, I don’t care what the makers claim, they still do damage. He had already checked that I was OK about him doing his weights, something he skipped last week. Even thought I was sat by myself I stayed up and made it through to 9, but that hour was a trial. I have tried over and over to work out what is happening and why my body is determined that every evening is the time to crash and destroy me. Even though my times were out yesterday, with over 3hrs sleep I should have been at my best, not struggling to just sit and watch a TV. In that last hour I began to feel myself falling apart, every area that has caused a problem in the past week, caused me problems last night.
With Adam locked into his music and weights in the kitchen, I was free to try anything I could think of to find comfort. I always feel guilty when I can’t sit still, I know how annoying it is when someone is beside you bouncing around on the settee and causing you to be constantly disturbed and distracted. It is actually often one of the factors I take into account when I head off to bed early. It would be easy to just lock myself into what I need and what I want, but it doesn’t matter how ill you are, if you have a partner, you have to always think of them, as much as you do yourself. Over the years I think I have toned myself out of many of my decisions, when it comes to my health. Without a seconds thought it would be so easy to turn into this huge selfish lump who takes and takes and takes, demanding all the time that I am the centre of this home and everything, because I am ill, everything therefore is about me. I learned to bite my tongue and appear to not notice so many thing over the years, that there would be pages and pages if I were to list them all. Your thinking has to change and when someone has dedicated their lives to making yours as good as they can, well they deserve a respect beyond just being that given to the person you marry. I now always do what I can to limit the impact on him where ever I can, there is a time ahead of us where that impact will grow, so for now he has the right to be as free and happy as I can make him, even if that is just not annoying him on settee.
I had an hour in which to try and find if there was a secret as to what was happening to me every night. It has actually gone through my head several times that there was possibly something about how I was sitting on the settee, that was the trigger to my night time horrors. I shifted all the cushions more times than I care to remember, I propped myself every way I could think of in the first half hour, only to find that I was once again feeling exhausted and the pain was building and building. I learned nothing, worse still the pain that every evening, appeared just as it has done for a week now. I can’t help feeling that when things happen at the same time, that something has to be behind it, something must be the trigger. To find that my longer sleep, less time spent sitting and the freedom to jump around, made absolutely no difference. As soon as I went to bed, once again my lungs just locked themselves into there favoured cement filled sensation, the only good thing was that I went to sleep in seconds. I really am at a lose as to what is happening and I guess all I can actually do is go along with it and just hope that as it started it, will also go away.
I really hate it when I can’t get to the bottom of things, not knowing has to be one of the worst things that is a side effect of illness. When your head is clear and you can understand what is happening to you, even if it is horrid, you at least know why. Even when things are out of your control, as long as you know what is happening, you can get through it all, out of control and out of your comfort zones is something that I doubt I will ever be at ease with. I haven’t given up looking for the trigger, yesterday just removed the most obvious possibility, it’s there some where and I will find it, I have to.