A night of note

I seem to be in a run of bad evenings, I was fine all day yesterday during the day, other than when I went for my nap, lying down seemed as it often dose to trigger my lungs into complaining, but that’s nothing new. I often wonder how it is that pain can be slept off, I know it can, as I do it all the time, but you would think that pain would keep you awake. I don’t know if someone told me to do it years ago, or if it was just something I discovered myself, but by slowly working up your body starting with one toe at a time first relaxing it, then telling it to go to sleep, then only moving on when it has really changed in the way it feels, as it does change, I start on the next piece. Somehow it results in my falling asleep, it used to take ages but once I became proficient at it, I found that it became quicker and quicker, I now find often that I am not even clear of my legs and sleep has taken over. My two hour nap found me ready to face the rest of the day, that makes it sound as thought it was a trial, something it was most definitely not. There is something nice about a Sunday evenings, that is as long as Adam has managed to iron his work shirts early enough for us to spend sometime together before I have to sleep. I suspect it is something to do with childhood memories but I love watching “Country File”. I know it daft as we have nothing to do with the countryside or farming in any way, but I remember spending my Sunday evenings sitting as a family, something that didn’t happen a lot because of the big age gaps, but all of us would sit there watching sheepdogs and cows. I guess that if we put thought in to the majority of the programs we watched, we would probably find there is little real reason to what we find amusing. I had of course taken all my meds at 7 pm just as I always do, but for the last couple of weeks I have had a lot of fluid retention, I had on the last 3 mornings taken my furosemide, but it just hadn’t been enough as each evening I could still see the swelling in my feet. When I took my meds I decided to take a half dose of furosemide, just enough I hoped to clear a little more before I went to bed, something that seemed to actually help.

Adam had gone through to the kitchen to add his dinner plate to the dishwasher and I was scanning through all the different channels to see if I could find something for both of us to watch, suddenly I felt terrible. I second fine, the next I felt completely flattened and desperate to lie down, I don’t think I would have cared if I had slid off the settee onto the floor, as long as I was horizontal that was all I cared about. Of course I went to bed, but I wasn’t bothered about having my arms under the covers or anything as I had just dumped myself on the bed and pulled the covers over. I lay for about half an hour before I felt strong enough to sort myself out and move far enough up the bed to not have my feet caught in the bars of the foot-board. Draining so totally is something that I guess no one will have a recipe of survival for, your entire life force just vanishes in a second and it doesn’t matter where you are or how uncomfortable the position you land up in, you have to lie down. I never really remember thinking about anything or even being aware of the time, I guess anything could have happened at that point and I still wouldn’t have be bothered by it. It’s almost as though your entire body goes numb and heavy, MS unfortunately is an expert at combining numbness with pain, I know that makes little sense but what does with this mad illness. The longer I lay there unable to move, the more the pain increased, my limbs all had the same effect attacking them, from my toes to my knees and from my fingers to my elbows. They were heavy, burning and tingling but still numb, what started as an ache grew and grew but there was nothing I could think of doing at that point, well as I said thinking wasn’t working either.

The odd thing I am aware of is that I never go straight to sleep when this happens, it’s almost as thought your body doesn’t even have the strength to go through the essential steps that sleep requires. All you can do is lie there, waiting for enough strength to return to let sleep take over, so I wait, the length of time varies but I guess last night was around 45 minutes or so. Once settled with the pillows supporting me comfortably and my feet free to move, all I had to do was deal with the pain I would at last be allowed to sleep. It didn’t happen that way as suddenly I had to get up and go to the loo. When I returned to bed the pain had been aggravated by my short walk, so I gave in and I took one of my little blue morphine pills as I had simply had enough of the whole thing. To date I have been really good and I haven’t actually taken many of them, but I gave in last night and I was really glad that I now keep some in the bedroom along with a glass of coke I bring through every night.

Attacks like this are one of those things that I can’t be sure if they belong to the fibro or the MS, I actually think it is one of many things where they work together. I actually don’t think any longer that there is any importance which or what is behind any of the pain or fatigue or anything else. It is in fact the doctors who always want things split into clear little pockets, I really don’t care. I care about the effect they have and what I can do about them. I guess I could have gone to bed last night and taken the morphine straight away and I might not have had to go through any of it, I have never tried that so I just don’t know. I have always just worked my way through it, allowing it to do what it had to and then moved on. There are no answers to any of these things that is solid and promises to work every time, but maybe next time I will try the little blue pill and see what happens. I still have a great reluctance when it come to relying on the morphine boosters, I know they work well and that they don’t seem to leave me feeling drugged or fuzzy, but still I don’t really want to take them. I have something in me that says if you can manage without then do, I guess I have that fear of taking them too often in case I build up a resistance to them, then I would land up on even higher doses. It is always hard to know what to do for the best, so I just do what I have to at the time, just as I do with almost everything else in life.