Stretching too far

Well guess what happened this morning? Yep the mattress elevator got stuck again! Adam I actually were talking about the way they had attached it to the bed and both of us thought there were a couple of points that didn’t seem to make totally sense. Rather than calling them out again so they can spend half an hour making a mess of it, I am wondering at this moment if it might just be a better idea for us to take the strapping off it ourselves and spending a little time trying what we think will work best, well I doubt we could make a worse job of it. I haven’t actually spoken this morning to Adam, other than to say it was stuck, as well morning in our house are like mornings around the country, Adam up at the last minute, into the shower and out of the door with just long enough to say good bye. It’s something I have never understood as I was always up at a time which allowed me enough time to not just do what everyone else does, but to also do half an hour of housework, so the house was tidy to come home to, just needing hoovered.

I have had two nights in a row of sleeping for 12 hours, last night was forced upon me due to not getting nap as I was once again on the phone to N-Power. This time we were talking for 2 hours and once again going over all the points which I though were first corrected back in April, then several more time most recently last month. I had an email the other day saying the bill was ready on line and checked it to find to my horror once again it was wrong. Amazingly it was once again on an estimated reading despite my giving them the readings just 4 weeks ago and then last week being read by one of their meter readers, but worse than that the readings were still round the wrong way, meaning our night time usage was showing as daytime and meant an increase in payments from £78 per month to £254. The girl I spoke to was as nice as can be and even read out to me all the recent readings and the notes of all my conversations with them, so everything is there just totally ignored for some mad reason! She had to keep putting me on hold as she contacted other departments trying to get it fixed there and then but the best she manage was to flag it up to three other, one to look into why nothing had happened, one to watch the account for the next 6 weeks and the last to fix it! I’m not holding my breath but if they can’t get it right this time I am not going to just accept a sorry. The most annoying thing is that you can’t change companies when you are in the middle of a dispute, only once they have fixed it can you then say good bye. I am not really up to dealing with all these figures any longer, I used to have a spreadsheet where I noted all readings once a month and actually worked out my bill for me. It was always right and allowed me to question and dispute anything in total confidence that I was right. These days it is just too much work to keep everything that tightly monitored.

I have wondered often why when you have a physical illness, even when it causes fatigue, that you can’t manage to do things that are really simple. Why has a monthly reading of the meter and enter it into a spreadsheet, been discarded as it is just too much? And what is “too much”? I have heard so many other people who are ill or elderly say that same thing, “it’s just too much”. I haven’t given up on living, but somehow I seem to have given up doing the things that are just part of it. I can fully find the reasons and understanding when it is said about things that take a lot of time or a lot of energy, why cook a meal from scratch, when you can stick one in a microwave, logical and totally understandable. Typing a few figures in to a spreadsheet, illogical and totally bemusing, but the list of things that fall into this new category of “too much” seems to cover almost everything other than sitting or sleeping. I know that I do it all the time, that I will think of something that needs doing and I will think about it for longer than it would have actually taken to just do, which is what I would have done years ago. I don’t know where it started or what was the first thing that I accepted as “to much”, because I must have accepted it at some point.

I think I have just stumbled upon one of those strange stages in life where we all develop double standings, don’t only develop but actively take part in. It’s another thing we say and you hear in plays, dramas and so on, the “I am not ready to be written off yet”, but at the exact same time we find and permit to exist a growing list of things that are “to much”. I am so far from ready to be written off by anyone, I still feel I have a lot of living to do and a lot still to offer in life.
I have had to accept that when it comes to physical activity that yes there is a lot that is now beyond me. My body tells me a million times a day that I am not up to doing this or that, even if I don’t want to agree, I have to, as it’s stupid to fight it. I have to accept also that when my brain chooses I can’t deal with conversation, that it doesn’t want to play at all when it comes to remembering the simplest things. All of these things are clear to me and most others now, but to find I have this other list of things that I feel are “too much”, that are just that one step over what I am comfortable of asking my mind and body to deal with, well it surprises me. I can see there is a fine balance here when it comes to logic, not ready to go, but not really able to play the game fully.