I know that last night I upset Adam when I went to bed, he was doing something in the kitchen and I went through to tell him that I had had enough for another day. He started to follow me, so he could tuck me in and say good night. It is a point in the day that I have found to be a growing difficulty for me. I said just the other day how I hate to see myself in a mirror, but the thought of Adam seeing my rolls of fat as I try to undress, is something that I for me is a growing problem. I know Adam doesn’t have the slightest worry about it, after all he wonders around every evening and all weekend wearing nothing other than a pair of boxer shorts, is the first clue. The second clue is the biggie, let’s just say he is a true Celt in body shape and stature, no longer the slim streamlined 21 year old that I met and married. He is so at ease with it that I know he just doesn’t understand how I feel about showing my naked body to him, which without any possibility of control has let me down in a big way. Each night we head into the bedroom, I don’t turn the lights on as there really is no need. I take of both my dressing gowns before sitting on the edge of the bed, with the corner of the duvet over me as I try to remove my pyjamas. Last night was made more difficult as for some reason my socks seemed to be attached to me by super glue, I managed to get myself in to a knot and lost my temper with the whole situation. I told him it was all his fault as I couldn’t do this with him watching me like that, it was said in a way that showed I wasn’t willing to talk about it and I wanted to be left alone. As soon as he left the room I knew I had been really hard on him, it was wrong of me to have spoken like that, but I was so embarrassed that he should seem me undressed, something that makes every single night difficult. It is impossible to undress totally hidden, without getting into the bed and undressing in there, something that would really be impossible for me. Every night I have to go through this ridicules process of trying to hide each part of me as it is forces into being naked, until I eventually have myself naked and able to slide myself under the covers totally. I shouldn’t have been that sharp he was there out of love, just wanting to see me safe into bed and to say good night, I was the one who was horrified by the whole situation, so sorry.
I guess we all get exasperated by the simplest things from time to time, but there is one thing guaranteed to cause me to loose my rag and that is cloths. When you loose mobility, you also loose flexibility, not being able to actually reach your feet with ease or to sort out the different layers of cloths as your dexterity won’t permit it, is bound to wind up the calmest of people. Cloths have been a growing problem right from the start, you throw out anything that has buttons, or zips that are hard to move, everything becomes slip on, but that still doesn’t mean easy. I can’t remember when I first noticed that just getting myself dressed and ready to go out, was actually more than I could bare, by the time I had it all complete I just wanted to go to bed. I was well aware by the time I was at the stage of going into the office just twice a week, the days I didn’t dress, meant I had so much more energy. When I couldn’t go out at all, for the first few months I actually began to get better, but it was limited, as eventually it went back to the downward slope. Everyone can get dressed, can’t they? Well no they can’t. My exasperation last night was due not only to embarrassment but also to pain and exhaustion. It doesn’t matter what the task is, there is so much more behind it that people just don’t think about, break down any task into it’s component parts and you will find the stress points, the things that will drain that precious energy. I have tried several times to follow advice I have found on line on other sites as to making things like dressing easier, but the results are always mixed, some actually produce the opposite effect from the desired, it always comes down to what works for you, so just keep trying until you find it.
Nothing is ever simple, straight forward or easy, I think I have been told that all my life by one person or another, normally by those who thought they knew better than me. That is what it always seems to come down to, someone who thought, thought but without even entertaining the possibly that someone else might be the one with the better idea. But I guess that’s it, if you think about it all of life is based on a collection of thoughts, politics, laws, religions, it doesn’t matter, all of them are a collection of thoughts and all of them have the right to be right, even mine. It use to one of the reasons that I loved history, because I believed that history was clear, clean and concise, it was what it was and nothing could change it, oh how wrong I was. Every single person who has ever thought that they could write a historical novel or even a factual book that others would learn from, effected the “unchangeable”, by imposing their own view point on it. Just the fact that you are reading this means that tiny pieces of it will be dropping in to your memory, changing some of it right now, but don’t worry, most of it will be forgotten in hours, or in my case, seconds. I always had this plan that once I had finished using my brain to earn a living, that I would then use it to learn more about my favourite periods in history, before possibly become one of those know-it-alls who writes books to change other peoples minds with. I find that so funny now, the idea of a brain that is diminishing daily, as all older brains do but in my case even faster, should be writing what the young should learn from and accept as right, for no other reason than they read it somewhere.
Yet here I am still trying to put down what might help someone else, to give the grains of information that might help someone who is going through just what I am. I ask myself often why do I think I have a right to pass on anything, who taught me, who gave me the education or the right to set myself up some kind of expert? When I first started writing I worried, really worried that someone would take my advice that I pass on daily and actually make their health worse not better. I had to weigh it up against all those who I already knew where finding what I was writing helpful and I decided to take the risk and to keep writing and passing on my thoughts, well I am sure there is room out there for just a few more.