I had so many silly dreams when I was child, you know the daft idea that come from nowhere and are created to make something better out of what reality was. My favourite was that I wasn’t my parent child at all, I was the daughter of some king and queen of a far off country and I was just left with my family until it was safe for them to return. So where was the logic? There was none, but it was a comfort when I was in the dog house for some reason or other, as it was a dream that meant one day I would have the last laugh when I told my real family just how horrid they have been to me, but there is one problem with dreams, they aren’t true and my imagined family never reclaimed me. I think like every child I dreams that allowed me totally freedom, not just from family but from the times when I bored and I needed excitement and realise. I guess many children just like me dreamt that they could fly, not just when I was asleep but in my day dreams as well. I wasn’t happy just being able to do a “Peter Pan”, I preferred to add in a friend who no one other than I could see, Pegasus. He would arrive just when I thought about him, no whistle or call other than in my mind, he was my companion and my freedom when ever I needed him. Where ever these dreams come from, or what ever it is that brings those thought into our childish minds, they are safe places to live and a very much required escape. Unfortunately we loose them all when someone suddenly tells us that we are now a grown up and the truth of life meant that not one of our dreams existed, the future just held reality.
I don’t know why it has taken me until now to start to realise there where more forms of reality out there than I ever thought of, or had offered to me. My adult life had pretty much been what was set out for me by my up bringing and what I was taught at school, no one told me that I could have left this country and lived a life on a beach somewhere round the other side of this world, or that I could have became a self sufficient farmer with rare breed sheep and cows. My life was laid out for me in “Middle England” as a “middle class” wife, mother and daughter, as my family know all to well that was a root that I finally escaped, but still I couldn’t see far past what was expected of me and although I built a new life in a new way, I was still pulled by all that had been drummed into me. No matter how hard I tried to be different there was always those signs of where I came from and how I grew up. I guess that it is thanks to the wide range of things I watch on TV these days, that I have seen the possibilities and what I have missed even the slightest opportunity of trying. I have to be totally honest here, I doubt that I would have ever done any of those mad jobs, as the lack of electricity and gadgets, just wouldn’t really have been something I could have lived without. I guess that it is something that you have to either be old enough or ill enough to have the time to look back and wonder, what if? It’s not a “what if?” that holds any anger or spit and I guess that as every generation has aged, life’s horizons have expanded in their later years faster than it ever did when they were a child, that is after all the joy of technology and communication. I can only hope that at some point someone will sit in front of their careers teacher in this country and they will suggest a life as a pearl diving, instead of the make-up counter in Boots.
Looking back is a really odd thing, as I don’t regret any of the life I have led and there is only the tiniest things that I would have changed, as my life on the whole has actually been a good life, but I guess all of us from time to time, just ask “what if”. I guess when you have spent the majority of your life being ill, your are bound to wonder from time to time just how different it all might of been and to remember the dreams of childhood. I have too many hours of isolation not to explore the things others don’t bother with and too many hours trying to escape from the reality of those actual minutes. Sitting as I did yesterday unable to do little else than smoke to many cigarettes, trying to distract myself with the TV and failing on all counts, you will head off anywhere, with the hope it will change what is happening. I had gone to bed in the hope that sleep would fix the pain in my left lung, but I failed to sleep much more than an hour, an odd situation in itself. I had actually gone to sleep with Pegasus once again reunited with me for the first time in many many years, which explains where this post started, before I even lay down I had found for the first time ever that my lung had turned solid. I had the hope that sleep would free it and I would then have some comfort for the rest of the day. Again I was faces with waking for the first time without the slightest change, my lung was still solid and still not just uncomfortable but edged with pain.
I spent the entire remainder of the day with short spells of normality, but when I sat still for any length of time it once again become solid and difficult to breath with. I found this so odd after my spending time in the past couple of days talking about this exact problem and how I was never free of discomfort, well now I have to add in this now symptom, no longer connected to lying down, but now something able to appear when ever it wants, just as it has been here on and off this morning. I just wish that dreams still held the power that they had done when I was a child, but although they distract, they no longer change reality.