There is something wonderful about a Sunday morning, especially when it is cold and there is a feeling of winter in the air. I have always loved that feeling when you keep the curtains closed and the fire is lit adding not just the glow of warmth but the glow of family love on top. Schmaltzy and twee to an extended degree, but that’s the great thing of having a romantic heart filled with more rubbish than it knows what to do with. It’s strange but that second the fire is lit, I always start to drift into those memories but it’s not childhood, it is a cascade of every time in my life when I have had that wonderful few seconds of every fire I have ever lit. A home is never complete without a fire and somehow empty of sole as well. I guess we all have things in our lives that have followed us and grown in their importance through out our lives, it may sound silly but when we bought this flat there was no proper kitchen, no fire in the living room, no double glazing, all most no furniture and a million other things that we needed even more, but we went and bought a gas fire with a surround and mantel piece, to both of us without it, this just couldn’t be our home.
We moved in here just over 13 years and I now know that it will be my last home and in a funny way that has made all of it even more important than it ever was before. Loosing my health has driven me to not just build a nest but to build a nest that fulfilled everything, as much as finance has allowed, that I had dreamed of over the years. I guess that we all need our own nest, a place we belong in, but it is more than just that. When it is clear that it will be your last home it actually has to be part of you as well, or possibly the other way round as well. I know I have written in the past about having memory trails, where I can either walk round or look at that pulls clear in my mind. Ornament and picture are far more than just their aesthetic qualities, they hold or trigger memories that may well have become forgotten, with my memory failing those item may eventually be the only way back in time. Everywhere is filled with beauty, no surface is empty and I class everything there as beautiful, so should I be eventually unable to move around as I would like to, where ever I am there is always things within sight, that will make me happy. So just like the fire, almost everything brings a smile, not just my face but also my heart. I know that personally all the work I put into build our nest has been worth every second of the work required to earn the money, the work of finding, buying and arranging each and every piece. On the happiness scale well my home supplies about 50% of the happiness I have found in being housebound. Just think about it, if you hate where you are, it is going to be far harder to be happy living there all the time. Logic says it without a great deal of thought, even if you can make only one room special, go for it, as one day it will really matter.
I know that in the last couple of days that I have managed to find a little more peace and probably understanding of my currant list of problems, I know without a doubt that sitting here pouring out just how I feel and the problems I am having really does help me to come to terms with it all. When your mind is as full of gaps as mine has been recently, it gives me a chance to really piece it all together, with a sentence taking over 10 minutes to write, read and write again, then sort the spelling and finally pull it all to bits again, well the result is bound to correct. Unfortunately writing what I have today so far, has highlighted a problem I hadn’t personally picked up on until today, all my beautiful things. When my mind goes blank and I can’t find the next word or remember where I was going to take it next, I unfortunately find myself looking around me instead of just looking at the screen and when they wonder, I find something beautiful to sit for a while dream through. It is beyond just lose of concentration when everything vanishes completely but writing it all down and being able to know it is happening helps to make sense of the huge amount to time I loose daily. My mind really has become some kind of mush that has lost the capability to make connections, even when those connections are there right in front of me, I still quite often still can’t find the next connection at all. I also know that I am now also managing to forget the pain, because I have been rereading so much of what I have been writing lately, I know for a fact that the pain I have daily has started to vanish.
No I don’t mean that the pain has just gone away, I wish it had, but I am forgetting about it, until I actually make myself remember. It is like living permanently in the doctors surgery, you know when the doctor asks “how are you?” and you answer “fine”. I don’t seem to remember until I find a small point with in it that brings the rest flying back with it too. Part of my process of writing daily is to sit here and think back through the day looking for the things that I need to write about, to find if you like the painful and serious things that filled my day. Today I could find nothing, so I headed off in a different direction, it wasn’t until I was away in a drift about today, I remembered that part two of “Strictly come dancing” is on tonight. That triggered that fact I had watched part one last night and thanks to remembering one of the dancers was injured and in pain, that I then remembered so was I, well not injured but in pain. I suppose it happens all the time now that I sit on the settee finding it painful to breath, but yesterday I had additional problems, ones that are far more rarer. It happens a couple of times a week at the most, but I will find that suddenly for no reason, not because I have moved or coughed or anything else, I suddenly get pain a couple of inches at the most from my armpit and it’s the type of pain that stops me dead. I have had it on both sides, sometimes just one at a time, other times both on the same day but not at the same time. It feels as though someone has stabbed me and added a slight twist as they pull the knife out. I am guessing that it is some kind of intercostal spasm, unlike the others I have, but it could be something else all together. Last night though was the worst evening I have ever had of it to date, continuing through the couple of hours telly watching and on until I eventually went to sleep, but I had forgotten. So which is the biggest problem, no memory or pain so bad I found it not just difficult to breath?