I have had this idea now for a while that the next time life flung itself off a cliff that I was going to sit here and write, get it all done in detail as it happened. I wanted to take it through step by step, just how it felt and just how quickly it pulls me down from dealing with everything to dragging myself away from this seat and depositing me in my bed, with only enough energy to lie there for a second before I vanish. I made it just past 3 o’clock last yesterday when my energy fell to a point that I actually couldn’t even manage turn my PC off, that was just too much, especially if I was actually going to get to the bedroom. I had been drained of energy as it was clear to anyone who read my post, but beyond that point there is a phase that cuts through you and claims it’s possession of everything. I wanted to write about it as well, I guess there are many out there who would connect as I get the impression it is universal in it’s effect. There is this strange sensation of connection through removal, it drags you away from the world we all connect in of being part of the world where we communicate endlessly, but usually totally forget to feel anything, to a point where we can’t communicate in any real way but feel everything. I have never spoken to Adam about it but I am sure that he will recognise just what I am talking about as there have been countless occasions where I have faded into not speaking about anything, silent and my final words are “I’m going to bed”.
It isn’t just being tired in any normal way I have known in the past, as no normal sleep drains you completely in seconds and demands that either you sleep where you are or you move and move quickly. In a strange way it isn’t even sleep you are after as sleep is a process that slowly builds, this is quicker and actually far deeper. I know I couldn’t sleep where ever I was as I have never really done that since a child, but that is the sensation. I do know for sure that I can’t talk, if Adam suddenly wanted a conversation at that point, he would be greatly disappointed as I know that I would be totally unable to put the words together. When I stand it becomes a race to the bedroom, a race as I am already heading into sleep as I can’t walk in anything close to a straight line or anything close to steady, at times I can’t even keep my eyes open, every step is more jerky and swaying combined. I have never fallen as my instinct to grab hold of things seems to be complete, but just getting from the living room to the bedroom is an agonizing process even though I am somehow cocooned in a bubble. The urge to go, to get to a place where I can lie down and disappear for a few hours, keeps growing but every step causes pain as my lower legs seem to have an urge to spasm on almost every step. As I write this and reread it I know there is something missing as like I said at the start I needed to write it as it happened but how do I do that in a home with a wonderful desktop computer and no wifi.
Everything becomes such an effort, when I make it to the bedroom, the amount of clothing I remove or the way I lie down are all governed by just how much energy I have left. It is unbelievable how empty every fibre of you can be, how even the tinniest action is too much and you just can’t complete it, favouring leaving clothing on, than to removing them even when you know just how much more comfortable it would be without them, but that is just too much. It seems to be happening more often, not daily or anything that dramatic, but more frequently, I can’t help wondering how long it will be before it is a daily event. Until now there has been a pattern if you like, they fit to the times I would sleep anyway but with a more sudden even violent attack if you like. There have been the odd occasion were I have left the room and gone to the bathroom, to only land up in bed having not returned here at all, simply because I couldn’t. It doesn’t matter what time or who is here, my body simply closes down, it doesn’t care if the TV is still on or if I have already slept for a long time, it closes down and that’t that. There is nothing that makes it happen, nothing that make it not happen either, I can sleep get up and within the hour I am yet again back in my bed, empty and unable to communicate with life or the living.
I realise now that I have no chance of a word by word, how can I write what I can’t even use my brain to assist with it at the time. All I know for sure is that I am not alone and that when you body has nothing left in it, it knows exactly what it will always do, it will make you sleep, in a sleep that is different from normal and the only answer that life offers.