I seem to be avoiding today, avoiding it in every way I can. I’m not even sure why I am trying to avoid all the things that I know have to be done, including the shopping which arrived an hour ago. Apart from the freezer goods safely where they won’t go off, I have been absolutely uninterested and completely uninspired by the slightest sight of it. The minute I realised that there were for the first time in ages, many items not there, I found any interest vanishing with them. It isn’t as though they are items that I would ever have eaten as they are all in fact items for Adams consumption alone. So here I am, not doing anything and it’s totally odd. I guess much of it is due to being to terribly tired again, the last two days I have slept and slept like there was no end to be seen. It has either been the alarm clock or it has been Adam who have woken me and I know without doubt that if neither had been there, I would have slept on and on and I would have done it happily. My entire upper body is aching and I feel that if I just ask for one more muscle to act that it will give up entirely. I keep having to ask and ask again, the house is so cold that I am already sitting in my sleeping bag again, which means I can do nothing without undoing the long zip, fight my way out as it catches and sticks to my nightdress, socks and dressing gown. Once free I have to reset it so it is ready from my return. Once back the worst part begins, I know it takes me about 2 minutes of fighting again, more and more twisting are needed and by the time I am in a position to sit down, I feel totally drained, but I still have to seat myself and reseat myself, until finally where I want to be so tat I can sort out all my lairs and then do up the zip again. Ever time I need to fetch a coke, go to the loo or what ever has become a task so difficult and so draining, it’s easy to see why I need that bit more sleep.
I have done so little in the last few days, the small tasks like emptying the dishwasher are all being left, for Adam when he comes home. I feel so terrible just leaving everything as though I just done’t care, or well why should I Adam can do it easier than me. That is far from what is going through my head, I feel terrible every time I go through to the kitchen and the reminders are there staring at me, reminding me yet again that it all needs doing. Then I start to get angry with myself, angry that it all needs doing and that it hasn’t been done. As the anger grows it makes everything else harder, as I get exasperated by seeing my home in a mess and all of it just shouldn’t be that way. None of that anger is pointed at Adam, please don’t think that at all, the anger is all at me and the fact that I am capable of doing so little. Who can’t empty a bin, use some bleach to clean the tiles or wash the dirty glasses, I tell you who can’t, me. I can’t do any of it and that just sounds pathetic. Once hidden in my corner in the living room, wrapped up cosy in my sleeping bag, usually the rest of it all disappears, but not just now for some reason. It has all become just this huge circle, of exhaustion that just won’t go away and it’s not helped by the idiots who ring the front door bell and aren’t there once I have taken all that energy to get out of here, to find silence when I answer the intercom and face the effort of returning to this spot. I have thought so many times that I should just ignore it unless I know there is someone there for me, but I can’t.
I know this has all been building from the first day I felt the house getting cold, I know that was also the point where my energy vanished, just staying warm has turned into such an effort, that I just don’t really have the energy to get on with it all. Everything else seems to have gone downhill with it, my breathing is laboured and painful most of the time, but it is my legs that find this staying warm the hardest. I have no option other than to up the weight on to them, continually shift until I am covered well enough to be sure I’m not cold, be that here or on the settee where I have one of those nasty but much needed snuggies. I don’t know what it will be like by the end of winter, or even future winters, as I am not up to this now, the future looks to be tough. This is my home, this is where I love to live, but for no other reason than money, right now I’m not really up to dealing with any of it. When you are healthy and in work you put your heating on, and for most that is as far as the thinking process goes. Because of costs that has change for many including some who are working. Our curtains haven’t been opened now for two weeks, as that also has helped to keep the cold out, I will now live in darkness until spring next year. More than all that though I now know that just to stay warm is a constant fight through pain and exhaustion, it shouldn’t be like this at all for anyone ever.