You can sit all day, wondering and dreaming about what will never be, but it never really gets you anywhere, as dreams come in different shapes and sizes. I even once believed Adam’s dream that a cure would be found for all that is eating away at me. I don’t believe that any longer, well how can I, logic stepped in and wiped that dream away. Yes, tomorrow you might hear on the news that they have at last unravelled it and they know how to cure it, but I tell you know that it isn’t a cure for me, or any of us who have lived for many years under the clouds of illness. By the time they take that miraculous news and the work on it to make it pure and to be sure it doesn’t do harm in other ways, by the time they have run it trial after trial, passed all the standards set down by all governments and they are ready to start giving it to humans, it will be too late for me, all of that will take between 10 to 20 years, time I don’t have. For each of us there will be a spot in our lives where we suddenly know that the dreams are over and reality is all we ever have ahead of us. We don’t need to have an illness for that to happen, it happens for all around about the age of 25, when childhood dreams of big houses and fast cars, diamonds and designer clothing all slide away from our minds and we know that what life really is, it is just what we have. Don’t get me wrong, we all still dream but the difference is we can now define which is a dream and which will possibly happen. When I dream now and yes I still have dreams, trust me I do, my dreams now are the simpler things that will just make the years I have that bit easier and that bit more comfortable.
I never was a dreamer of wealth, money never used to enter my head and to an extent it doesn’t even now, all I ever wanted was to have enough to live, enough to pay the bills and make it from month to month. I know that many including my husband, dream of winning the lottery, of having money beyond their wildest dreams, big houses, fast cars and all the trappings of wealth. But that just leaves me cold, I see no appeal no charm and no excitement in any of that. I don’t know what it is about me that I am content with what ever happens, from my worst of, living in a bedsit on the dole less money than most could possibly be happy on, I was. I forgave the luxury of food everyday, just so that I could smoke on all of them, but even hungry without money for the electric meter I was content in my life. I felt no difference between then, than to my childhood in a huge house with all the luxuries that life offered. Still I feel no different than either of those to the life I have now and I don’t understand. I have wondered over and over again what is it about me that find contentment in all the different phases of my life when I have met so many unable to cope with a life a million times better than mine. What is it so different about me that all I can ever see is the positives of everything that takes over my life? Believe me I have been in a million terrible places but still I am here plugging along and feeling as though I can plug on for ever as I can only guess that I actually don’t really comprehend what really bad is. I have visions of what I think will be the point when life isn’t worth living, but as I say they are visions, I actually don’t think I will even recognise truly them.
People keep telling me they are amazed by how upbeat and how positive I am all the time, but the truth is I don’t actually know how to be anything else. It isn’t a choice or a thought of any kind, it is just me! Which leaves me with a huge question as I have lived with this for almost my entire life, so who am I. I know that MS messes with you brain, lesions grow and they destructor connections, changing who you are, your emotions and your reaction change and with them you change bit by bit. I know what my emotions have been screwed up badly, tears are signs of anger, frustration and even happiness now, nothing is the way it should be, I don’t react the way I did years ago, even Adam has noticed me change over the last few years. My personality has changed to an extent that I even see it which is really odd if you think about it. MS has done so much damage that I am not the person that it took hold of, that it has had 30 yrs to work on, without it who would I be, and who am I with it?
So here I am sat there happy with in a world that is destroying me, but still I am happy, is that right, is that what you would do, or is it even what the me from 30 yrs ago would have done. I can’t fully or even partially answer any of those questions that whirl around my head, all I know is that I am happy and I have a desire to make others happy with the life they have too. If this is my MS that has made me this way then strangely I thank it for the damage it has done, as I have lived what few seem to have, a happy life, content with what ever it brings and understanding in what ever it has taken away. I still dream though, not for me but as I said for my family, I want to give them a better life and if I could do that, well I would be even happier with what I have now.