The truth of what life requires

Another week of who knows what? I know that logic says that if you are housebound and ill that everyday should really be like all the rest, but it never really is. I thought when I was no longer working that I would find it impossible to fill my days, that I would be driven mad by a life of playing computer games and watching TV, but that hasn’t happened at all. I had a daft ideas that I might sit and complete a book I started years ago, but I didn’t finish it for one good reason, it was rubbish. I did manage to read a little of it last year and I am glad to say that I took the sensible action of deleting it from my PC. I guess we all have that silly idea that we will one day write a book many of us believe that we can write, you just need to take a look on Amazon at the number of self publishers, to see just how many actually have a go at it. The problem I guess most of us have is what to write about, I chose science fantasy which was a huge mistake, I just couldn’t keep up with all the silly names I invented or the places they were supposed to be. I may have always enjoyed reading it, but that didn’t mean I could possibly be any good at writing it. I have no doubt that I took the right course by deleting it when I did, as no one will ever see even one word of it.

I know that I am lucky in that I have found something fulfilling to fill my days, the fact part of it is writing actually really amuses me, as if you had seen the first attempt of writing anything, well you would never have guessed that I would be able write anything past the odd email. I often wonder what others who are as ill as l am actually do do to fill their days, if I removed my on-line activity and my blogging I honestly think I would have gone mad by now. If I had good dexterity then yes there are a million things I would be able to do but that is the real killer, dexterity. If you think for just a few minutes of all the hobbies there are out there, well nearly all of them require you to be able to use your hands. I used to love sowing, embroidery, knitting, croquet in fact all the handy craft hobbies, well model making wasn’t one but I know many who do. Take away your dexterity and so much even book reading can vanish from the list of things you can do. I know it isn’t one of the things that those who have full health would ever think of taking so much of life away from someone. No dexterity and those important things of getting dressed, doing your hair and make-up all become impossible, add in becoming housebound and well what is left becomes very limited. If I didn’t have this blog, twitter and Facebook I honestly don’t know what I would do and all because of my hands.

I never thought of my hands as something so important, yes like most people who are given a diagnosis of any chronic illness, I looked at all the possibilities, trying to work out what could possibly be the worst thing that could happen to me. Yes I thought of full lose of an arm, but never something so fine as my dexterity, I thought it too small to be important, but it is. Loose your arms and there are aids and gadget that you can learn to use that will allow you in time to do the basics in life like dressing and feeding yourself, but along with that would also come carers, those who’s job it is to be your arms. Loose dexterity and although you loose more than you can imagine, there are no replacements, no assistance, just the inability to lead the life you had planned. Those small things become hugely important when it is you who looses them, I know without having to think to deeply that if I was stuck here without my PC and what I have built up, that I would of by now gone completely mad. The importance of achieving, having goals and plans and the ability to work towards them is huge! Loose an arm, I could talk to the PC, but without the PC I could do nothing and all because of dexterity.

We all have our own personal fears of what disability would be the worst for us, I used to think it was my eyes, but as long as I don’t actually go blind I now know I can cope with poor sight. My need for sight thought was mostly feared as I had to be able to see, so I could complete my embroideries and bead work, but all have been already taken by dexterity. I know all about mobility and there are no fears left there. Each step downwards I have taken, have all had less of an impact than I thought it would, Mobility and dexterity have clearly been the worst. There is only one more that I suppose could actually be double sided, to loose my mind, double sided as hopefully I wouldn’t know it had happened. I guess then for me there is a simple list of the worst things that chronic illness could do to me is simple. First, mobility, gone and dealt with. Second, dexterity, getting worse as time goes on, but the main damage has already taken it’s toll. Third, my mind, part lost and working on the other parts. Fourth and finally, my PC, OK not actually part of me but without it, what would my life be like now.