Noticing the risk to late

Sometimes things sound so simple, to simple to be honest and that is when I find the danger usually starts. All I needed to do was to get a new pack of tablet out of the cupboard where I keep all my spare meds, from that pack take out a popper strip and put the box back again, sounds simple. As always I landed up taking out box after box as all I was getting hold of where the ones I didn’t actually need. The cupboard is at the bottom of the pine dresser and a place I have always store my medical supplies, but no matter how many packs I could find I was just having no luck, I knelt down, so I could see better what I was doing. Mistake! big MISTAKE! The second I did it I felt that feeling of no not again take hold of me. Here I was yet again mentally beating myself up with a really big stick, once more I had put myself in to a position I was going to have problems getting out of. My legs gave up long ago when it came to storing the strength required to get me back to standing, they just don’t have the power any more, like so many other muscles they have withered, not so you can tell by looking at them, but fat doesn’t act like muscle in any way at all. The problem is that first little lift, that tiny act that starts the process of getting yourself onto your feet. I don’t know what is so difficult about it, as once I am past that point I am fine, I can take it from there with ease. In the kitchen there is one of the best pieces of equipment I have been issued with from the NHS, my perching stool. It’s not a pretty object but it is one I use daily as with out it I would probably be on the floor a lot more. Almost every task I now do in the kitchen involves it, well as the name says, it is for perching on as the sloped upper surface means can’t truly sit but I can get on and off it with ease and it takes the pressure off my legs, plus it takes away totally the need to have any type of balance, while managing small tasks in the kitchen. Part of it’s design includes two arm rest and a back bar, all unpadded as they are for grabbing more than comfort, aesthetically it is also more pleasing to the eye, to have plane white bars rather than more of the rather nasty brown plastic that covers the seat. I don’t know if it was part of the design process or just a lucky fluke, but it’s design also means it is great for getting yourself back up off the floor, all you have to do is get there first.

I have noticed that recently I am managing to put myself in to stupid positions rather than getting there through an accident, my need to stand is less likely to be due to a fall and more likely because I have bent down to get something and then knelt not foreseeing the issues that would follow. It is almost as though I have developed a self destruct mode, a missing thought process that results in my not understanding or even seeing the implications of my actions. To date it has all been those small things, like I have just described, but I seem to be doing them more often, always finding me at some point hearing that instant dread in my head confirming that “yes, I have just done it again”. It has ranged from finding myself using a sharp knife as a tool with the point facing towards me when it slipped, to suddenly knowing that the edge of the plate I had just taken out of the microwave was too hot without a cloth, sort of too late once your half way across the kitchen. Small or large they are the kind of slip up that none of us can really afford as one day our luck will run out and the “D’ho” will be replaced with a scream. It is easy to say things like be careful what you do, or you have to think twice, or even don’t do these things until Adam is home, but that isn’t real life. Real life is always going to be just as I have written, real life is managing daily actions as they occur, not as we want them to be. I guess there will be more and more of this stupid things ahead of me as there is no way around them, unless I have 24hrs a day care and I never do anything for myself ever again. Firstly I don’t need that and secondly I wouldn’t permit it! So I am aware it happens and I am writing it here, which means other to will be sitting knowing that they too are doing just the same. Writing means more than that, like a lot of things, it gets easier to manage once I have actually accepted the true facts of what is happening and not just pretending it isn’t happening at all. I know there is no simple answer as accidents will always happen, I just need to stop inviting them into my life and restore the once instinctive thought process that has now gone.

I had been in my bed for about 10 minutes at the most last night when I was suddenly in considerable pain, so bad that my attempts to pull myself up were failing, other than to make the pain worse. Adam had tucked me in and as normal he had gone to have is shower before settling down to watching his beloved car shows, I could hear the water running so I know there was no point in calling out to him as he stood no chance of hearing. The pain was in my right lung, just slightly lower than the base line of my breast, every breath sent searing pain through my entire upper body. I tried everything I could think of, but it was impossible to control my breathing well enough to make any difference. To go with it almost like a shadow, as it was slightly less intense the normal pain areas along the edge of my ribcage was screaming at me in a pain just slightly duller than the first. I tried several times to pull myself into a position where I could reach the control for my mattress elevator but without success, the pain just wouldn’t let me and inside I also know ever if I could get myself up well enough to swing my legs round, I was in no position to make it to the kitchen and find my quick acting morphine. I waited, that was all I could do, I waited and I kept trying to find relief hoping that the next breath would coincide with the shower being switched off, eventually it did. He didn’t hear me instantly but eventually, when he stood at the side of the bed with a glass of coke and my little blue tablet, I had no choice but to push through the pain and sit so I could swallow it. To date that was the worst pain my lungs have caused, I know all to well that it will happen again and that it is most likely that it will get worse not better. I am not sure what needs to be done but I now see that I need to make some small changes to the bedroom, I need the controls for the elevator to be where I can reach them with ease and I should probably have some morphine and a drink through there for when it is needed.

I woke this morning once more in incredible pain, but this time from my feet, well to be more accurate from my left foot. Once again the pain was right across my heal and once out of bed and with as little weight as I could put upon it, the pain covered an area right down and across my instep, identical as the pain I also get in my right foot. I considered the possibility of heading to the kitchen to get another tablet, but instead I went to the kitchen for a cigarette and waited for it to loose it’s edge. Although I managed to go back to sleep I can still feel it, 5 hours later. I guess I will be heading back to sleep on the early side this afternoon, I feel the need for a long nap today.