Give me the cleaver

I slept well last night, not waking for anything until minutes before the alarm sounded but I am still tired, my greatest desire right now would be to return to bed and just stay there. Yesterdays relief of pain in my legs was incredibly short lived, my belief in my socks changing more then just the temperature was to easily give, as once again I wish I could cut off my left leg just below my knee and have the nerve striped from the upper half, at least I had for what ever reason a brief spell of relief. It is strange the gruesome ideas that you come up with when it come to dealing with pain, just cutting of the accused limb is never enough, I always had to come up with some way of punishing it back for what it has put me through. As to how bashing it with a meat cleaver once separated from me should cause any sort of revenge I have no idea but believe me there is an amazing feeling of pleasure, in repaying it if only for a second. It is not as though I have ever been a violent person, but when you have been put through years of pain there is for some reason a growing requirement of revenge, a desire for my MS to be a separate entity and to be facing it with the chance of payback.

When pain is intense it doesn’t just annoy you it takes over and logic becomes blurred, you develop this desire to do anything that will just make it go away. I have lost count of the times that I have suggested, mainly in jest but with some truth also behind it, of cutting off the limb that is causing the problem. I have learned over the years that crying or shouting makes no difference, it achieve nothing, not even a seconds relief, so why do it? I did all to often in the past, I would cry to myself over and over again, whilst trying to end the pain, but there is a point when you realise it really isn’t helping, nothing is changing only the colour of my eyes. It is so long ago now that I last spent my time alone crying because I could find nothing else to do, that it seems like an almost forgotten dream, but I know right now there is someone out there also alone and in pain, crying as they to can’t do anything else to make it go away. At best I sit, or lie trying to find a position that will give some relief, seconds later starting all over again, as my best thought out plan has failed and the pain is still there. There is no relief, no escape and no answers just more pain and more reasons to dream of radical solutions. The beauty of limbs is that you can hit them, massage them, pull and stretch them and twist them around in a never ending attempt to break the pain, to bring an end to it. Some days there is no relief and all you can do is prey that you will soon be able to sleep as that way you are at least free of it, but until then well what can you do. No one who hasn’t lived through it can really understand, I know I had no concept of what constant chronic pain could do to a body until I was here living and tied up by it. I had no idea other than to try and take the pains I already knew and apply them into what I thought was their situation, but I was a long way from correct.

Chronic pain eats away at you, removing your actual life bit by bit, it stops you from doing all those thing you love doing, it removes your free will and replaces it with fear and disbelief in what you can do. All alone without any other single symptom pain steals all those things you loved doing. When you can’t stand or walk any distance, what can you do? You are forced to give things up, to stop having fun as you have to save those small windows of being pain free into work, as work is the one thing we all need, we have to earn that money. So the hobbies start to go, the fun nights out, all stop out of either fear of causing pain, or making what pain you are in worse, you have to save the best of you, for the least fun things. Then you can no longer put your feet on the floor without them filling with shards of red hot glass, they don’t want to hold you any longer, the cause or trigger other symptoms, sending pain up your legs and each pain is mirrored in your arms. Sometimes it is just one hand or one leg, at others it is them all, where the pain is stop mattering as regardless of location, it now stops you doing anything of value. You have travelled from something that was occasional to living almost never free of it. Not just does it have control it has developed so many different forms and so many styles, it works with and against what ever it finds and leaves you wondering if it will ever end.

That odd amputation begins to sound like a good idea, but then there are the stories that people still feel everything even thought the limb is no longer there, so what would the point be. Nerves twitch and they cause spasm, muscles cramp into positions you didn’t think limbs could ever be stuck in, pain is now part of your life, it is your life as to be without out it for ever is only possible by death. Medication helps, it reduces, relaxes and covers over, giving relief for a while, but the pain is still there, all that has changed is that you just don’t feel it in the same way. The price of the drugs is high, just as high as the price of pain, as you still can’t do anything with a body now doped and just as unable to lead a normal life. Add in the other symptoms and life is, well what life is. No matter how bad the pain, or how high the medication, it is still me that chooses how I live, I have control of what I let it do to me, although it isn’t always easy. Pain isn’t a headache or a sprained ankle, pain is when you have to choose just how much you can deal with and how much you can bare. There is no simple description and no words that permit you to see it, but if I was you I would prey you never have the opportunity to complete either, as it isn’t something anyone should want to share.