Searching for the simple and normal

I made the single most horrible mistake the other day after my shower, I didn’t wrap the towel around myself tightly enough and I had the misfortune of being in front of the mirror when it fell away from my body, resulting in my seeing myself naked. Having spent the majority of my life on the thin side, seeing myself now over weight and totally out of shape is something I try to avoid, but fate had it that I had to once again be faced by what I would rather of not seen. But on this occasion there was something to see other than the rest of me, a few months ago I wrote about a strange half inch wide band of finally drawn veins that followed the lower line of my ribcage right around my body, in fact I mentioned it to the consultant when I was at the hospital, but he didn’t seem concerned in any way, so I put it to the back of my mind and went on with life. Yesterday though I had it suddenly in view again and much darker than it had been before, there had been 3 tiny finger tip sized bruises on my left side, which are still there, but along with the deepening in colour I now have more bruises along the line, there is one right in the middle about an inch from the base of my breast bone and another group of three below my right breast. As I already said the doctor wasn’t concerned about them, but I am going to ask him again when we go to seen him in December, simply because I want to know what the cause is as I have never heard of or seen anything like it in my life. I hate things I don’t understand and believe me I have spent considerable time searching on line as to it’s cause, but nothing other than I know others have it but they too found no answer. The new darker area and the distance between the new patches of bruising are exactly where I had the strange sensation of sutchers the other week, I can only guess that is when it happened.

I am starting to move into winter mode as I gave in yesterday evening and put on a pair of socks, I bought them really as they are one you might use on a long haul flight. I felt that due to the length of time I spend sitting that it made sense to wear them but I found them too warm during the summer. I know that I should wear the all year round, but I doubt anyone could have worn them through the stupidly high temperatures of this year. It is not just the warmth that I am enjoying today, it is also the lessening of nerve pain as well. I am not sure how that works no more than I actually understand how pressure eases spasms, but it does. I am now sat here partially ready to be plunged once more in the fullness of winter and with the forecast showing that the first snow of winter is to appear tonight in the far north, well the switch from nightdress to pyjamas can’t be that far away either. It is strange how even though I never leave the house the weather is still something that concerns me, you would think that it wouldn’t matter at all but when your health is tuned into it, so are you.

I wish that my hands would behave themselves, they are numb with the nice addition of sharp needles and pins, MS has this clever way of combining things that simply shouldn’t go together. How can any area be both frozen to the point of loosing it totally but also so numb that when you prod at it, you feel nothing? It was sensations like that I remember right the ways through my adult life and the type of thing I would find myself sitting in front of a GP trying to explain what was impossible. These days those newly diagnosed with MS have an easier path than those of us around my age, MS hasn’t been recognised for that long, in fact I don’t remember even hearing the name being talked about until about 5 or 6 years before I heard it being said to me. 30 years ago when I first tried to tell a doctor that I had strange sensations, pain and numbness, muscles that where week and tiredness beyond anything I had known before, I was dismissed and thought of as a hypochondriac. I have to admit that I still quietly smile when thinking back into those days and knowing with out doubt I was right, I wasn’t mad and all those who dismissed me and told me to go home and get some sleep were wrong. Unfortunately no matter how good it feels to be right, I would far rather have been wrong and cured, if that makes sense. So I sit here typing with hands that are suffering from dyslexia, happily hitting all the wrong keys as they keep forgetting the right one, hurting with each touch and numb when I stop. There is no really answer or way to change it, yes I could sit and do nothing but then I would feel every single tiny thing that is wrong, this way I am at least distracted.

Life is often a case of distracting ourselves from the reality, we paint up pretty pictures of life we want to live, using it to cover up the truth that things aren’t as pretty as we think. We engross ourselves in what is on TV or by making ourselves part of some fantasy game, as it takes us away from the blandness of reality. Few of us ever live that perfect life filled with excitement, fabulous homes and luxurious fashion and foods, so we dream them up in our minds and live them in our dreams. I thought don’t dream of any of that, my perfection would be to have that bland life that others live, my dreams are of the bland the normal and even the dull. My dreams are of taking a walk to the bus stop, then sitting crowded out by people all desperately dreaming of being anywhere else. A bus trip to work and day sat in front of another computer but one used for the building of figures and programs of analysis. All of it without pain and wonderful for that reason alone, my dreams are of being normal, dull and like everyone else, earning a living, cooking meals and caring for a home, none of it draining my life from me just wonderfully simple and to many dull, but to me just so wonderful.