There are always those I just can’t win time, you wake-up cold and decide to make some porridge for breakfast, something that went down beautifully but within seconds had me well beyond warmed up, I was sweating. Then within 15 minutes of taking off my top dressing gown I was once again freezing and fighting with sleeves and so on in an attempt to once again build up the lairs. I guess that this will be my situation for the next few months, neither warm enough or cool enough, just struggling to find something near to comfortable. You would think that by the time you are in your 50’s that you would have become used to these annoying problems of life, but somehow you never get used to them and their annoyance just seems to keep growing.
Yesterday I found myself once more looking at myself and with the biggest “DOH” ever over my head. I can’t actually remember how long it has been that I have been fighting to find some sort of comfortable position to sit here at my PC. I have spent months, maybe 6 or more, though out the day, changing the number and order of cushions that I have on top of the seat pad. I have altered my angle at which I actually face the screen, crossed and uncrossed my legs, you name it I had tried it. Well almost it, I had forgotten totally one small thing, this seat like all desk chairs, goes up and down as well. It’s amazing how one tiny fact forgotten can actually change your comfort, it’s still not perfect but believe me it is so much better. How I could have wiped out such a simple fact and process I just don’t fully understand, but it isn’t the only one that I have way laid recently. It seems to be that I if I for some reason stop using something correctly, or slip into a habit of using it in one way only, I am forgetting that it is possible to do it any other way. I know that I should by now getting used to not being able to remember things but this is slightly different, it is almost as though I am unlearning them, that the knowledge actually never existed as I am genuinely surprised when I first discover it again, then quickly remember the knowledge had been there before. I was sat here yesterday and fiddling with the cushion again and I caught my hand on the lever under the seat, it moved, I really was surprised when the seat suddenly went down, so much so that I grabbed the desk in shock and concern that it might go further. It has left me now wondering what else am I going to discover again, and possibly again and again, how many things are there in this house making my life difficult when they should actually be making it easier.
We all take it in one clear stride that learning is something you do once and you will never have to do again, but now I know that isn’t true. I guess it is possible that just like a stroke, MS lesions could cut off those pathways, interrupting the route to what we already know and leaving us separated from it. I have never read of such a thing but I have never read half of what I have learned about my own illness that isn’t written down anywhere else than here. Something is blocking off what I know, not removing it, just blocking it as I genuinely remember within milliseconds when that first tiny opening is made. It is quiet logical to me that my MS could be that something, as far as I know there is nothing else wrong with my brain, well at least that anyone has proved to me to be wrong. MS has been a constant adventure, a path of discovery so it now being a path of rediscovery, well why not. I have found myself this morning doing this stupid thing of looking around at everything in the house just in the possibility that I will suddenly remember that there is another purpose in their existence. If it were that easy I would never have forgotten that my chair could go up and down, maybe I should be walking around the house, pulling and poking at everything, well you never know.
It isn’t just forgetting that objects do things that I have vanished from my mind, but earlier this week I suddenly remembered that I didn’t need to be sitting on the settee with freezing feet, as I actually had less than a foot away from me the answer, I had a grain filled “hot water bottle”. For days I had been cold and for days all I needed to do was lean over the arm of my chair and pick up the bag, microwave it for 2 minutes and I could be warm. I had totally forgotten that I had even bought them, for just that reason 2 years ago, there was no memory and I had no idea what took it away any more than what brought it back. I don’t know what the time scale is but if I don’t do or use something for a while, it appears that I am removing anything that I haven’t used for a while, which leaves open a million thing possibly long gone.
I totals accept that memory loss is something that happens, that I loose word, and memories of what happened just minutes ago, that I don’t know what I was talking about, but to forget something as simple as my chair goes up and down, well I find that uncomfortable. That I don’t have the solution to cold feet, or mentioned before that I couldn’t come up with adding more clothes to stay warm, well these are different. Some how more fundamental, more basic to staying alive and surviving the world. These aren’t things that have a flippant or laughable, they aren’t a stutter or a forgotten word, these are signs of a far more serious memory gap as freezing to death isn’t funny, but possible if you can’t remember how to stay warm.