Slipping into oblivion

Sometimes it feels as thought I just don’t have the energy to do what little there is in a day to do, I mean how hard is it to just go and take a shower and wash my hair? Impossible apparently. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I really would love to be clean and fresh the shear exhaustion just over powers my ability to get up and do such a simple act. I hate to admit that even yesterday when I looked in the mirror and could see that my hair was greasy and desperate to be washed, inside me there was just nothing, disgusted with myself, yes when I thought about it, but nothing was triggering the normal reaction at all. All I wanted to do was sit and do nothing, nothing at all, not eat, drink or even bothered to sort out what I wanted to watch on TV, what was there was there and so be it. For two days I have been putting it off and putting it off, I am so desperately tired that I honestly felt as thought I could just lain in my bed and not got out again. It is the type of exhaustion that I actually believe has nothing to really do with tiredness, it goes far deeper than a need to sleep, it is a need to just totally stop, to lie there and melt into the bed and a fall into a silence that reaches right through and consumes my entire body and thought process. I have wondered several time what would happen if I did just lie there, would I eventually get bored and want to get up again, but strangely when it feels this deep I doubt that I would. I don’t mean that I would never get up again, of course I would, but I would lie there I know for several hours and easily through one entire day. Even when you are part of the world, it can be hard enough to know if others feel or think the same as you, well you aren’t surrounded with people who all have the same condition as you have, but somehow it is one of the few things that really makes you feel isolated when you can’t turn to another living sole, strangely the gender does matter somehow, and just quietly ask do you ever feel this way? Judging your own sanity isn’t exactly the sanest thing to do. How do you ever know if you are the only person on the planet to ever feel that way or if everyone feels just the same. I guess we all must ponder over those few words, “is it just me?” Nothing in life sets you up for knowing how others feel. We aren’t taught to be able to look at someone and know straight away that they have the headache from hell, or the one next to them has no feeling in their feet. So we wonder around in an isolated bubble asking silent questions of ourselves, for some with a real danger of dying, just because we don’t ask.

I know I can’t just sleep for ever or even just lie there for ever, as the longer I do the worse things seem to get. This morning again I have woken with that terrible pain in my left foot, I did call the nurse last week and she confirmed that I can have someone come to the house to cut my toe nails and that they would also take a look at my heal and see what is going on, the famous NHS wait has begun again. My foot is bad enough, but I am now getting pain in the back of my left lung most mornings. I haven’t pulled a muscle by coughing as coughing is something I do very little of, a problem in it’s self as I am not clearing my lungs at all really. This pain though reacts when I do make my small stupid little coughs and it isn’t a muscular feeling at all, what I feel is best described as the phlegm leaving the actual tissue. Along with the same sensation right in the middle of my chest has been going on now for several days, settling down for a while then suddenly starting again. All day yesterday the sensation of the actual tissue turning solid kept happening even when sitting up, by the evening it was there as a constant companion and there was no relief. I took my evening meds and I waiting in hope that the fresh dose would just clear it, it never has before but somehow you never give up on that small possibility, after an hour I gave in and popped another of my booster pills. I so wish I had taken it sooner as it didn’t remove the solid sensation but it did stop it hurting and stopped me constantly fidgeting to find peace. This morning I am already finding that sitting with comfort just isn’t happening, but I will wait until at least lunchtime before taking another, there is one thing that goes without saying, things always get worse as the day goes on.

I have become a victim lately of sitting on the settee with all my fingers and toes, pulsing with pain. It isn’t the type of pain that makes you want to scream out over, it’s more like the result of having been out running during the morning and then shifting logs all afternoon. Wishful thinking that I could do any of that again but I know all to well the feeling at the end of the day and they are almost the same. All those simple sensations that you remember seem to reappear, when your body can no longer do the work, it doesn’t mean your body can’t punish you for having ever done it at all. I guess it is more a case of memory just matching what it knows to what is happening, but it doesn’t actually feel fair that you can rest as much as you need and more, then find that you might as well have done something mad. With all my body still giving me no peace from the minute I get up until sleep takes over again, I suppose there is little point in trying to find gizmo’s and gadgets that will help relive it. Clearly there is something happening that is out with my control and all I can do is wait for it to just settle down, but it has been a week now and quite honestly, I have had enough of it.

It takes a lot to wear me down but it is starting to, I found myself at one point yesterday just sitting with my eyes shut and a few tears slipping past my eye lids. I was so tired and I had had enough, I just wanted it all to stop and to be allowed some peace, I wasn’t really crying, it was as I said just a tear but it did have it’s reason clearly written upon it. I am not a person to let things get to me, but even I have my limits at times.