A night with a lesson

I had a really bad night last night, everything just seemed to flare up and attack me without any reason. It wasn’t as though yesterday turned out that different after my early start, the day passed without any note and I slept well in the afternoon for longer than normal, making up what I lost at the start. Even when Adam woke me I felt OK and after my currently favourite dinner of hot Garlic bread with cheese melted into it, I spent sometime playing a stupid game on my PC before we both sat down together to watch a film. It was while we were sat there that things started to change and I was aware that things just weren’t right. Everything was hurting well before my 7pm meds time, but I had to wait and I did. At times it feels as thought they all run out early on me, not all the time but occasionally I find myself sitting wishing the time would vanish, I expect we all have those times when all you can pay attention to is the clock and the stupid thing never changes. I have never been able to work out just why this happens, there has to be a reason but I am damned if I can work it out. Eventually the clock gave in and started to chime and before it had made it to it’s 7th, I was in the kitchen sorting through my draw of drugs and taking them. I took the normal amounts 60mg of MST, 900mg of Gabapentin and 20mg Amitriptyline and the others for my COPD, nothing was missed and nothing was changed and with my evening glass of Gin and tonic, I headed back to the settee.

I kept waiting for the pains to stop, to feel the relief that should follow when you have consumed a medicine cabinet, but the changes were few and far between. I was sat there with my hands and feet on fire, the skin was burning and all that relieved it for a few second was to move them, but once still again the burning returned. When my nerves are sending all the wrong messages, I often find that if you do something like move, the messages required to make that action blanks out the burning, pins and needles, icy coldness or any of the other sensations that nerves like to create just because they can. They were working in hyper mode last night as shooting pain and shooting pain appeared made me flinch and disappeared to turn up in another location a few minutes later. Nerve pain when it starts always seems to go on for ever, it isn’t like a spasm were you can sometimes brake the pain by pressing into it, or like a cramp if you force the muscle into another position there is a chance that you might just get rid of it, nerve pains can’t be broken. At best you can distract them, but when they start shooting, well just like a real bullet you don’t know where it is going to hit, you are their mercy. My legs were as painful as they often are in the morning, there was pain right through my shins and into my feet, they to were on fire with no relief. I was sat there trying to enjoy a movie and having to shift and flinch every few minutes, the more I moved around the more my ribs seemed to tighten, on top of everything else I was once more having what was then mild difficulty breathing but increasing pain right along my lower ribs. When things are bad these days I have noticed that I now also get pain in my back, about half way up my rib cage, like all the other COPD symptoms I felt it first when I was lying down, now it was there when I was just sitting there. Strangely for the first time since before I had my diagnosis for COPD I also once again could feel a sensation as though there were bubbles running out from below my lower left rib, what triggered that I have no idea but it was there. I kept waiting and hoping that my meds would kick in and remove all of it, but as I made it to an hour after taking them and all that had changed was a mild decrease to the worst of it, I felt I had no choice but to take the booster tablet.

I have to admit I was really reluctant to take it as the first one I had taken and then gone straight to bed, I had no idea if it had made me go to sleep quicker or if it caused any other problems as I was asleep before I had a chance to note them, I wanted to see the end of the film not fall asleep. I kept telling myself that I could manage it that I didn’t need the other pill and that it would all shut up, but it didn’t and at 8:15 I gave in and I took one another 10mg of quick acting morphine sulphate. I can’t help wondering just how much morphine is in my system when the booster kicks in, the 60mg tables are slow release over at 12 hour period, but what is there working on my pain combined? How ever much there was it wasn’t at first having the effect I remembered from the first time, it didn’t kick in in just 15 minutes, this one took a bit longer, it did remove the worst of the pain I was in, but it didn’t seem to touch the worst of the nerve pain. As far as my fears that it was going to make me feel drowsy or my mind would become fuzzy, I shouldn’t have worried at all as I felt just as I do all the rest of the time, which is good news and takes away all my worries about taking them during the day. Although the film was really quite good, I was happy when it finished as that meant I could actually go to bed, somewhere I would have headed much earlier and probably should have. The relief I had been looking for was slow to arrive, normally I am asleep in minutes but I was lying there with most of my skin burning and the feeling that I was being gripped by a corset just kept growing. I’m not sure why my meds just didn’t appear to be working fully, I think I had lain there for at least 15 minutes when I at last felt more tired then I felt pain and I eventually slept.

When your entire body seems to be working against you, I believe that you then actually make it worse. It doesn’t need a great knowledge to work out that if you are tense that you will hurt more than if you can relax, that’s why going to bed seems to remove pain so well, but I’m not going to spend all my time in bed. Every shooting nerve pain makes you tense up, the tenser you get the more pains you get and circle continues. When like last night it has hit a point where you just don’t know what to do with yourself, well I guess that’s why even the strongest meds have a problem working as they should. Right now I am back to my normal levels, aware of different pains and sensations but all muffled, just as I like them. I know there will be more times spent in a battle that is hard to win, but although not easy to deal with, I can deal with them. I can only guess but I think the lesson from last night is, go to bed when it starts, take all the meds you can and give in, rather than trying to slug it out, my MS will always win.