Accepting the mess

I really hope that I am not speaking in advance of something else going madly wrong, but my PC is now working, updated and back even better than it has been for months. I suppose all of us have that one item in their home that if it wasn’t there, they simply wouldn’t know what to do with themselves, well as you may have guessed this baby is mine. It really is total madness that as sentient creatures we can feel so deeply about an inanimate object, but life would really be unbearable without them. I know personally that through out my life there has always been that one thing, that item so precious that nothing could replace it, even an identical copy. I also know that if I had all of them now right here in front of me, I would have no problem throwing nearly all of them out, yet they were once things that death alone could have separated me from, but that’s life and we are fickle creatures who’s allegiances change constantly. It is also one of the strangest things to have been effected by the decline in my health, it’s also a hard one to explain.

To have said I have spent my life being house proud, is probably an understatement of my life, in fact I have at times been totally obsessive about it, but I always loved my homes and I always liked them to clean and tidy. Our home is filled with ornaments and crystal all out on display and all set in positions they were bought to fill, my obsessions only showed itself if I spotted something out of place as I had to tweak it and correct it. Everyday found me spending at least an hour cleaning and I was always happy to invite anyone into our home as I knew it was always presentable. As my health faded I slowly became unable to keep that level up and eventually I had to let Adam take over. That was actually harder than you can imagine, no one ever cares for a home in the way you do and that includes even your partner, Adam was no different. As long as I had the energy, I followed him around fixing things, but eventually I couldn’t even do that. I would sit looking around at what he had done and I would spot thing, small things that ate away inside me, driving me mad inside as no matter how I tried all I could see was the problem that needed fixing. I had to wait until I was mobile for some other reason, to then sort the monster that was eating away at me, before settling again content. As the years have passed, those once important things like Adams laptop being put back in the cupboard when he had finished with it, rather than living permanently on the coffee table also started to loose it’s ability to upset me at all. Even I have become guilty of making a mess with piles of letters not being sorted and shredded, just piled on my desk. Bit by bit, by bit, everything I held as so important about our environment within our home, has changed and not by choice at all.

I can track all the physical reasons as to why things had to change, but the changes in my thinking and reactions weren’t planned or thought about. I can’t work out how, but being ill has fundamentally change how I think, how I feel about things and how I react. I don’t understand how I can now sit looking at a pile of rubbish sitting permanently in sight without being driven to fix it, file it, shred it. The very way I feel and think has been changed permanently. In the space of 4 or 5 years I have changed as a person, with no other explanation other than chronic illness has changed far more than I ever thought possible. Years ago I can actually remember worrying how I would be able to manage when my mobility disappeared, I honestly had this fear of sitting there being driven mad by what I couldn’t fix. Yet here I am, not so much not bothered, but able to accept that my home is no longer perfect.

I used to see things on TV that showed elderly people who’s homes where in conditions that I couldn’t get my head round at all. Piles of dishes waiting to be washed, dust clear to see and piles of clothes, either waiting to wash or to be put away. I couldn’t see how they could sit in their chair in front of the TV doing nothing about any of it. Logic kept telling me that all of it could be fixed bit by bit, I knew their energy wasn’t great but surly they could manage it slowly, was there really any excuse. Now I find myself in that position, unable to keep up with even the simplest bit’s of it and I still don’t understand, how I can accept any of it. It is such a huge change in me as a person and I can only guess it is the same huge change that happens in life to all of us who are ill or ageing, but how it happens, what triggers it and how it happens, is a total mystery. How something so important to you, is just wiped out gently and replaced with almost the opposite, well that is pretty major. If your brain can do this without your permission or without you noticing, what else can it do? I guess it is actually something to be seen as a blessing, as otherwise the world would be filled with demented individuals screaming at dust. I’d just like to understand.