Almost every time I think this is it, I have done everything needed and I can just go back to enjoying my PC, it points out something else that still needs to be rebuilt. The new drive was installed with ease as where window 7 and the Alienware Software, all of that was done yesterday afternoon and I spent right through until 9pm updating both systems to bring them back up to date, but it just never seems to be done. There is so much on this brute that needs another update, another driver or another something else, there has just been a constant stream of reboots and they are still going on. If it wasn’t bad enough that I am running one thing after another, there is now set up between me and Dell themselves and they are scanning to find out what else should be done. I know that I bought a mega machine, but what more can there be that isn’t complete. So I have stopped sitting watching scrolling bars of light assessing what ever and started to be normal for a while. I guess it is going to take another couple of days of this what can I do and what should I do process, but I can’t believe how much of a strain it is putting on me. I know it’s just a machine but I love it and it actually hurts not having it at it’s best.
The last couple of weeks has taken it’s toll and I have to say I have had enough, all I want is to have a few days that will be just smooth and simple. I want to wake up, to do what I do online, have a nap and spend an evening with Adam before heading back to sleep. It’s not exiting or testing or even that interesting, but it is my ultimate wish at this very minute. It’s strange just how appealing it is to have nothing to stretch you or make you think. Strange because that used to be the thing I loved most about my job, I loved being tested everyday, having to not only deal with problems but to fix them, so how is it that just a couple of years on, here I am wanting to be a vegetable. OK vegetable is probably going just a little too far, but I guess you know what I mean. When you have been ill for as long as I have and you reach a point when you know within yourself that you are not able to be the person you were and it is time to slow down. It is as though my body and mind have between them take over that side of life, they know they can’t be what they were and they change things in the way you think. I would have thought I would have been one of those people who fights every last second of my life, but I actually don’t have a choice any longer. What ever it is and where ever it has come from, I have changed, I have become content to be what I am now and not spend my life looking back and being bitter.
Some people might see that as giving in, but it is a million miles for that, the word acceptance has some how taken on a dirty image for many, but acceptance simply means you are not an idiot, you know what you can and can’t do and you understand the world you live in. If you can let go of all those cliched that you hear and just accept your limitations as a positive, then you can actually enjoy the new life you have. I see all the reason in the world to fight a short term illness, but one that changes everything for what you remember onwards, well lets be honest, that would take an army and none of us are any more than an indvidiaul. Being overwhelmed by life achieves very little but being in control of the life you have make all the difference when it come to peace of mind. I can’t say at what exact point I realised that I wasn’t able to fight past the point I was at, I don’t think it was a blinding moment, it was more a slow slide into acceptance, but when it eventually happens it is a huge relief and you can’t help but wonder why you wasted so many years trying to be superwoman or man. Being at peace is worth a million struggled completion of what work or actions that are simply now beyond you.
I guess this fight with my PC has brought all of that home again. Not that many years ago I would have taken all of this in my stride and I would not only been happy to complete all the software side of things but I would also have been more than happy to have bought a new hard drive and to have installed it myself. Now I am actually happy to hand it over, happy to say this is not my job and here is the money for doing it for me. I often wonder how close all my emotions are to those of someone who has retired, as that is how my actions and thinking often appear to me, as thought I have aged quickly and without seeing it, I have turned into someone 20yrs older than me. I’m only 52 but here I sit day after day, not bothered about being out and about, content to be housebound, at ease with my need to sleep my life away. Changes that I don’t remember giving permission to, or even hearing them ask, but a life style changed out of recognition all by itself. It’s not about giving in, it’s simply about finding the happiness that works for you and when you are faced with so much that is alien to most people, that route becomes even more personal.