There has always been a temptation in my life to simply do things that shock others and show with pure strength and humour just who the inside person is. Through out my younger years and again once my divorce was through I gave into it freely when ever the urge had appeared. There are many stories I could relate where I did things as an adult I wouldn’t even expect a child to get away with, but life is for fun, not wasting away. Until you can’t sit on the floor in the middle of a train station, fishing from an empty bucket with a totally straight face, you haven’t seen the ridiculous straight laced reaction of the British public. You can only pull stunts occasionally as they cease to have impact if you do them to often, but I channelled that need to be different, into how I looked. I bought clothing from all over the place, adapting and altering it until I was happy, putting together outfits that were for me and no one else, that I loved and didn’t care what others thought of. My hair was jet black with either bright red or purple streaks, long before every second Goth was sporting it and I’m not a Goth, with around 20 earrings in my left ear and my nose pierced as well, I was well ahead of my time, as this was first seen on my in 1990. Along with large numbers of tattoos which were only seen if I chose to show them, in Glasgow I was different and I was happy. I knew the way I dress often shocked people, I knew because of the looks they gave me, but that was not what it was about, it was me being me and being strong enough to show my true identity. I didn’t just wear the wrong thing at the wrong time, but wore the things that no ones else ever did. I am being totally honest, I never in my entire life actually met anyone else with my dress sense, especially not wondering round M & S food hall wearing short short, thigh boots and one layer of lace to cover my upper body entirely, I did it almost weekly always dress for me, not the outside world. I only changed because I had to, once I moved into the business world my only freedom of choice was what I did with my hair and the display of gold and zircon’s seen in my ear, it was all that allowed me to still demand my individuality in a way that could be recognised. That is the beauty of being a woman, they can lay down all the rules they like about clothing but hair and jewellery, well it’s impossible to make rules about that and get away with it.

If there is anything that I can list that being disabled and housebound that I miss, it is all of the above. I didn’t give up on it until I there was little reason to apply energy into it, as I was going absolutely nowhere. You don’t have to have a strong individual style to suddenly see yourself as a mess, that mirror reflection just isn’t the person still in your head, but you don’t have the energy to make the effort required to bring back the old you. There are tipping points set up in line from the day you become ill, each one has a tag attached and once reached you simply can’t return. At first they are the milestones that keep the researchers happy as you tick there boxes on illness progression, but then there are the personal ones, and personal appearance is a huge one. It has nothing to do with depression, I would in fact put my house on the line if they could find a tiny speck of depression in me. No this is about that point when you simply can’t do it any more. No matter how important any of those tipping point are to you or how much you demand they will never happen to you, they will! You can’t spend an hour styling your hair, adding decoration, dreads or anything else, because you can’t hold you arms up there for even one full minute, these days it is brushed once sometimes twice and forgotten. That all so precise make-up set out with lip liners, eye liners, eye shadow of 4 shades into one, and lipstick of two, the half hour stood in front of the mirror on it’s own is now an impossible act, dexterity takes away the rest. Gone for ever are the cloths with tiny buttons, buckles or anything fiddly, gone are all the cloths, as it drains too much energy to just bother with the thought. Now I throw on a nightdress or pyjamas, covered by dressing gowns, not because no one will see me, none other than Adam, no I cover myself just to keep warm and to hide what has happened to me. Anything beyond those simple acts just drains away the precious energy I have, and does it really matter that much these days, well I wish it did but it doesn’t. I would rather save energy and be able to use it else where.

I know when I apply logic that how I look and what I am wearing has nothing to do with my identity, who I am is the person inside not what strangers see, but I suspect that every single person with a chronic illness looks at themselves in the mirror with the question of where has that person gone as that’s not me. Self identity is incredibly important in this world, men and women alike pamper & preen themselves, presenting themselves to the world with the version they want others to see. Loosing all of that is as major an issue as loosing the use of a limb or not being able to talk without stuttering, how you look defines how people react towards you, but what they now see is a million miles away from the person you really are. I can see clearly just how easily this one lose on it’s own could through many into a world of depression. I wish I could say that I have found a simple way of making it all possible and easy, but all I have discovered is you have to force yourself to simply accept the majority of it. On those occasions that you will be out and about, where your confidence demands that you are dressed as well as you can and make up is needed, then do what you can. There is only one thing I still do to this day and actually need to do now, I still dye my hair bright purple to cover the now increasing grey, that alone gives me a boost each time my hair appears in my view. Do the small things that make you happy and learn not to beat yourself up over the major ones. Those that know you don’t need to be reminded and those who are meeting you for the first time, well you just have to work a little harder to show your true self in what you say and do without relying on a façade.