It seems as though my body is determined to not give me peace, I wasn’t as bad yesterday as I had been on the day before but I was still feeling as though there was no escape from it all. I decided, wisely or not, to take control and to pull myself in to routine regardless or not if it actually wants routine. I woke feeling much as I had done the day before but by the time I had had my breakfast of two squares of chocolate. I know not exactly a filling meal but Adam had brought me home some truly dark chocolate as a gift when he came home from work on Friday and I couldn’t resit when I opened the fridge to fetch the bottle of coke and it caught my eye. By the time I had myself settled where I am now before I actually felt that there was actually a change from the day before. I have noticed many times that you don’t know within the first half hour whether there had been a change or not, it is as though your body has a memory of how it was when it feel into sleep and uses that until it has actually woken properly and has had the chance to reassess things truly. Routine has so many small points in it and the worse my health has become the more those details seem to matter, try to remove them or change their order and somehow your body reacts against it all and demands that you correct it all. I have noticed many times that if I try to move the time for my nap, the result is that the next day I am more tired than I would normally be, despite the fact I had still slept the same amount. Yesterday I tackled that one head on and I slept on time but for a shorter time than normal, my idea being that I would be ready to sleep through the night without problems and luckily it worked.
MS seems to demand routine, to be surrounded by the familiar and to be in command. It is a little like living with a petulant toddler who’s demands have their needs are met first always. Just like a child it lashes out, sometimes almost violently when it doesn’t get it’s way. I have been racking my brain trying to find what the trigger for this spell of madness could be, but nothing comes to mind, without having written down every detail of every day, it is more a matter of luck than anything else when it comes to remembering. To make things harder of course my memory always becomes a victim when everything else goes mad, I have noticed quite clearly that my lose of words when talking has been very pronounced lately, that badly in fact that I am finding it harder to write than usual as well, it is slower and more stilted, but I get there. What I have managed to work out is that this spell hasn’t just covered the last 5 or 6 days, the start looks as though it was a few weeks ago, as I believe that the feeling I had where reality was taken over by things that didn’t exist, are all part of it. For weeks now odd little thing, as well as the more major, have all being piling up, growing in there intensity and pulling me down bit by bit. I can’t help wondering now if this is just an increase in the downward motion in general, rather than a flare which is short lived in comparison. There is hardly a symptom that hasn’t had some measure of change recently, the only thing that I can see is possibly behind all of this is actually my COPD. It has been causing constant pain, discomfort and difficulties, to which I have little choice other than to work with them and change things to ease them. It’s symptoms have made demands on me that mean I have been forced into making a choice between which pain to pamper to and which to live with. When it comes to making a choice of pain or breathing with ease, well breathing normally wins.
So much of living with any chronic illness is a guessing game, constantly trying to piece together all the clues and all the signs until you reach a conclusion, only to have it shattered by something new appearing. Nothing is ever simple or allows you to just live life for what it is, there is always the knowledge that anything could happen in the next few seconds that could destroy everything. You can’t make plans, or even act on impulse as neither suit the beast you live with. You have to stick to that routine, brake it and there is a price to pay, but live by it and life becomes just that little bit dull. So what do you do? How do you stay in control? What will happen next? How can you live and be happy when there is this weight hanging over you? All you can do is guess and try to put the pieces together. You can’t sit with your doctor and go over as much as I have written here in the last 2 months, picking out what seems to be the most important issues, really isn’t enough as they are just the surface. So how do you really find out what they mean and what they will do to you, sadly the answer is to live it and see. All you can do is wait and see, do what you can at the time and hope blindly that you are doing the right thing, chronic illness isn’t easy but it really keeps your brain working, well apart from the bit’s it destroyed.