I am getting so far ahead of myself, telling myself every few minutes that that is it I have everything back in place, a few minutes later I find once more I’m not. At this minute my beloved PC is only partially working as it should, there is still so much more to do and I just want it done. The last few days have been total hell, I really am not up to this IT stuff any longer. Lets face it if you can’t remember one simple password, one you have typed in several time a day for several years, well what hope have you. I spent most of Wednesday being conned by a company that wanted to skim £167 off me, they thought I was totally green behind my ears and when I told them I have the windows 7 software and all I wanted was for some one to do the work correctly bring my PC but to or as close as possible to what it should be, they said the price would be the same, in other words they made their money off the software not the work. I then did the sensible thing and I called Dell, and hour and half talking to a really nice guy called Ivan who helped me step by step through the system to get the basics done and all for absolutely nothing, no premium rate call charges either, I was well on the way back to actually being able to log in so I could fix everything else.

It was when I was speaking to Ivan that I came up against my memory for the millionth time that day, I had to give him 2 email addresses as I wasn’t even sure about that, when I couldn’t see then to check, I managed to give him two that don’t actually exist. So where all the notes he kept telling me he was sending to help me with the rest of it have gone and I am too embarrassed to phone him again. I do still have loads to do but much of it is waiting for all the updates to download and install, so there is time to type as well. I don’t suppose that it comes as any surprise at all that I am running on low, well even lower at that at several points, it is all taking a lot out of me. I know that I have physically done nothing out of the normal, other than a few trips back and forward between this PC and Adams laptop, but the mental stress levels have been sky high so I guess I am possibly faced with one hell of a crash when it is all complete. Already I ache all over my entire body at a level far higher than normal, making my mind work on jobs it hasn’t even thought about for the last 5years, is hard. It is amazing how much you can find missing when you start looking for it, it actually took several hours just to get the right password for that essential email account, life became slightly less stressed after that as I knew I had a good chance of restoring it all in time. That is the one thing I forgot, that it is still going to take more time. I really got ahead of myself yesterday, flying onto twitter, Facebook and here saying normal service would start again today. Normal will take longer, but there will be something at least! At this moment I just wish there was a magic wand or a little guy who could finish all off for me while I sleep.

I know I have skimmed over most of this but the most difficult part of the last couple of days has been having to accept that I can’t manage to do even on simple task once and have it done, I have redone and redone everything as I keep screwing things up. Just remembering the route I used a few minutes before because I need to redo it, failed again and again. There is no way that I would be able to hold down a job, any company would have sacked me a million time this week. When you can’t think or find the reason for something it all becomes harder and harder, because of the stress level rise you also become tireder quicker and that too makes it more difficult. As an ex manager I would give me a job, not even on that is simple and repetitive as I would still be asking every few minute, “what comes next”. In my one little bubble well that is excusable, no one not even me is paying me to do this, but in the outside world I would be treated as an idiot. I have known for a long time that I have been loosing it, that I am not up to dealing with life in the fashion I used to, that I can’t even hold conversations and so on, but this has all just been confirmed a million times. I don’t have a brain, just a mushed up mess with the odd bit left that functions occasionally.

At least today I will be sitting all day long and I have already set myself the achievable task of doing what I can, not what I want to. There will be something online for everyone, just not as much as they are used to. Most of all I am listening again to what my body wants, not what my mad hyper-speed mush thinks it wants. If that means I need to lie down, I will lie down, these things are sent to try us and believe me they are.