I am loosing time again today, not minutes here and there but huge chunks of it, how on earth did it get to 10:14 and here I am just starting my daily post! Well there is little I can do about it now, but it is always frustrating to loose time in the morning as it also swallows up the afternoon and even the evening, you never catch up and you never get it back. When I woke from my afternoon nap, almost the first thing that Adam said to me was how much he liked yesterdays post, he had seen just what I had in it, that I have for the first time brought together the people I love, right through the years to be together. I had here in the house which as an adult, is the home I have loved the most, my husband as he is now but with my children as I spent the most time with them, as Adam put it, he was the Daddy and his smile couldn’t have been bigger. It was a huge step for me as I said yesterday, this couldn’t have happened a couple of weeks ago as I needed to go through and work out a million, little bits and pieces before I could allow myself to not so much find, but enjoy the good bits that were there before my divorce.
I realised that I haven’t really been writing much about my evenings other than to say that I was tired, or sat on the settee watching TV, they seem to be a grey area here in my blog, somewhere I flick over until the time to sleep. I am not greatly surprised as well little of anything exciting ever happens, there are no parties or night out to report, but what there is just as important. I have a routine that means after my nap I return to my PC for just long enough to check through my tweets, even though I have had over 2 hours sleep I feel actually tireder than I did before I went to sleep, so I quickly head for the settee. The minute that I am settled there I once again want to head for sleep. Throughout my entire life I have never just sat and watched TV, I have always kept myself busy doing some sort of handy craft, but my dexterity and eyesight make it impossible, so I sit there. The result is that I find myself sat there with my eyes shut, just listening to it, slowly slipping in to a state that makes me want to return to bed. Through out the day I listen to the TV as I can’t see it from my desk, so just listening seem normal, yet the fact that I can’t do anything is pushing me into going to sleep. My entire evening is spent drifting between spells of watching the TV, talking to Adam and sitting with my eyes shut, on the edge of sleeping again.
I honestly can’t remember when I last spent an evening actually awake, even to the level where Adam and I can really talk to each other. I don’t want to be in that half here state as more than anything I want to be able to spend time with my husband. I often feel that the fault partly lies in the fact I have so little to talk about, nothing happens to make or even spark some scintillating conversation. So I sit there, like some kind of zombie, drifting between spells when I must look as thought I have given in and I am asleep, and spells where it is clear that all I am doing is trying to find a position to escape the pain. In the last few months breathing has become more difficult, I either have to hunched forward leaning on my knees, a position that seems to ease the discomfort in my diaphragm, but I can’t really breath. So I move backwards, pushing myself as upright as I can, but there I can only breath fully by using the upper half of my lungs, until it gets to bad and then I am off again trying to find a spot that will give me a few minutes of peace. If I am luckily enough to find it again, then once more I am inclined to close my eyes, but because of the peace that I have at that point.
There is nothing I have written above that probably isn’t the same for millions of couples around the world. One too ill to really interact as they did in the past, the other watching but not really knowing when to talk or what about, as what they see mostly is pain, followed by exhaustion. I want more than anything to be able to sit with Adam each evening talking, just as we did in the past, but there is nothing other than my illness really left to talk about. All day I look forward to those evening, only for when it arrives that my body is half shut down and working on filling the other half with pain. Being together is now just at the very best 2 hrs per day, but you can take away half of that, as although I am here in the room, I am so far away desperately trying to find peace. There are no answers to any of this, none of it can be helped or changed as it is just the way life is. Day time, afternoon or evening, the majority of my energy is spent no longer on living, but in just dealing with pain, when it should be spent spending time together as partners. What has happened to our lives isn’t fair, but few peoples are, all I would like is just to be allowed a few hours of being together.
My evening well they are now noted, as dull and slow as they are. Energy is a true gift and I wish I could find enough to be able to spend happily together the actual time we have. As I said millions will be in exactly the same place, with the same problems and same feelings, excitement isn’t something we share any longer, but at least we all still know how it feels to be in love.