At this very second I find myself searching around me for a hammer. I don’t want to hang a picture of fix a piece of furniture, nothing that practical, I have a twitching nerve that has managed to get past the point of annoying, right through to the level of murder. I have to guess that every human on this planet get twitches, I have had them all my life but they are very much a symptom of MS. I am in fact so used to them that in the main I pay no attention to them at all, but then there are the mega twitches that drive you not just up the wall but all the way back down again and off in every direction. It started just on the top of my head, not long after the alarm sounded, well it might have been there before but I can’t be sure. At first it was mild and separated by several minutes, just an odd mild twitch, then they started to grow stronger and finally closer together. Every few second the entire upper part of my scull is covered by a twitch, pulling the skin of my head upwards and then letting go again. There is no pain of any type, just twitch, twitch, twitch. As I said a hammer would be welcome right now as I doubt the pain that would cause could be any more annoying. In all honesty I have often thought that the minor annoyances of life are actually worse than the pain and anxieties. Well which would you prefer a normal standard headache or half an hour of hick-ups? I’ll take the headache and an aspirin any day.
I have started to feel the benefits of my time spent sorting out my past life, of letting go of things that have plagued me for years and forgiving and thanking all those who were there, or had something to do with it, or just let it happen. I know I have actually felt more at peace with life but the proof to me was yesterday afternoon, I was asleep and dreaming, but my dream subject caused me to wake. I was actually dreaming that I was asleep, in our bed here in this flat, but I could hear the sound of children, to be exact Teressa and Christopher playing in the bath, not in the house where we had last lived together, but here. I woke because I wanted to ask Adam why they were in the bath during the day, expecting to find a bathroom in chaos as the laughter suggest a wild mess. There is so much in that dream that tells me I have managed in away to bring all of it into one life. Firstly I know it was in this house but we don’t have a bath, Adam is in reality about the same age as both of my children and in my dream he was still an adult, I didn’t wake to speak their father, but to Adam and I woke with a smile, ready to join in with the fun. Pull all of it to pieces and bring it back to together and there are totally clear lines there that say we are a family and the past doesn’t actually matter in any of it, those who are important to me have not just replaced but had removed those who hurt me. I woke feeling good and in total belief that my dream was reality, yet when I woke there was silence, but the feeling didn’t leave straight away. I have never had a dream that has brought so clearly different decades together, even in my dreams there has always be clear lines of past, present and future, I always relived the past without escape from it, never did I bring the good moment from one era to another and combined them before. It actually felt real and really good.
I seem to be working on so many things at the moment, but all of them are important to me and need to be done. I can’t physically change my life any longer but I can still sort out the painful history and give myself a little peace.
I am still finding my legs really painful, there seems to be no comfortable position or relief by massage or anything else. I have been trying different combinations of cushions and twisting as to where I put my weight, but with little success as to how or where the pain appears. There is now a very clear pattern to how weak they are and how painful they are, I also now know that where the pain appears, points out just which muscles will be weak when I stand. This isn’t actually as helpful as it sounds, as I only stand when I have to, if my legs don’t want to hold me well it doesn’t change the fact that I have to go somewhere. It may be not that useful at the moment but I have a feeling that in time and with more definition that it may save me from the odd future fall. Strangely and I am quite sure with no connection, the more painful my legs are getting, the more I am getting spells of numbness in my arms. Almost every time I have been lying down for a while, I wake to find that both my arms are numb from shoulder to figure tips. There is no loss of dexterity or real strength, but they are numb and feel weaker, I am actually reasonably sure if I tried to lift something heavier than a glass, that I would find it difficult. It isn’t so much the numbness or the weakness that bothers me most, it is more the sensation that they don’t really want to move. It is almost as though they are just hanging there, sort of useless until there is a loud enough demand into action. I can’t help wondering if it is due to my always sleeping on my back, I sleep at least eleven hours every night now and another 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I doubt this can be doing much good for my nerves system in my spine, well we weren’t designed to be horizontal.
I still find the concept of sleeping not just the length of time I do, but from 8:30 every night, somewhat bizarre! How my life turning this round far I will never know as I was always a person who slept very little and was always a night owl when there was that option available. To find myself feeling at my best in the morning is so alien, even after several years of adapting to it, I still don’t feel it is totally right. Do we ever actually truly adapt to anything, or do we just tell ourselves we have as it seems a better option than all the rest on offer.