It’s strange how you can let go of things that many say they could never forgive, but then find your stuck, going round in circles unable to even think the smallest word of forgiveness. I suppose it’s because forgiveness is a two way street, to be able to truly forgive another you have to also be ready to admit that you played a part in it, even if that part was incredible small, but none of us want to do that, for some crazy reason we prefer to be the victim rather than admit we could have actually been the catalyst. Sitting going through the past and seeing it with the eyes of a grown up means that all to often those periods of pain we are carrying around were all to often our own fault. I realised yesterday that in all to many cases the person I need to forgive isn’t miles away logistically, but miles away in time. All to often I need to forgive the naive and childish me, because if I am honest it was often me at the route of the situation, although that isn’t an excuse for the part played by others. It is a strange concept, forgiving yourself, almost as odd as giving yourself permission, but it actually is a concept that is worth exploring, trust me.
I was in a lot of pain yesterday afternoon, pain that I couldn’t actually find a reason for, my legs as they are at this moment painful from my toes to my hips, or the other way round. They have been picking up in their pain levels over the last week, even during the day I am now shuffling, in fact there is no time that I don’t shuffle any longer. I don’t suppose there is a great deal of importance in that point, shuffle or walk, is there really a great deal of difference? I suppose we put importance on it because of how it looks to others, their perceptions of us becomes that of a cripple and to our own view of ourselves, well that matters. There are so many part of being ill that are in truth are of no importance at all to our health and ability, but they are to how others see us. Just like stuttering doesn’t mean you can’t talk or that your brain is not functioning, it means nothing other than everyone else has to listen to us for longer and with more care. I know we have this belief that it is only in recent times that appearances matter, but that has never been the case when it has come to disability. It is so long since I was last out there and daily process of dressing, putting on makeup, sorting my hair into a style suitable for the world of business. These days all that has gone, even when someone is coming here I do little beyond brushing my hair, my attitude to what others think of me by appearance has vanished. No matter who sees me now, well they see me as I am that day, it is a strange how far from the perfectly groomed me of 20 yrs ago has gone. I am perfectly happy to be me now, I no longer care about fashions or styles, comfort and ease of dress mean so much more.
With pain being in charge of my body, it is that pain I first consider rather than appearance or anything else, but when there is less and less of you where pain isn’t located, well how do you dress then? My hands are once again just not working exactly as they should, it isn’t just pain it is also the lack of strength and numbness that are bothering me. My entire body is weakening and it is something that I am very aware of. Almost daily I feel less and less capable of just the simplest act, it is as though I am physically shutting down, not with any great speed but neither is it a cell by cell process. It is hard to explain as I can see and feel the changes that are happening but how much can be seen by Adam, well I don’t know, as I haven’t asked. We did talk the other week about what he see happening to me over the years, and how much more than maybe even I see as outsiders often see more than we do. He clearly sees in ways I don’t when things are bad, he can tell from my mood, actions and words just how much pain I am in without talking about it, just as he can tell how tired I am. But when it comes to what is happening now or if he can see I am growing weaker, I really don’t know. I just wish I knew what it all meant and what it will lead to, as I do very much feel that this is a spell of transition, but to what?