I can’t find the reason for it but for the last couple of days I have been somewhat emotional. Silly things happen or come into my mind and there are these tears fighting to escape from my eyes. Not long trails, but just this burning and extra moisture along the lower ridge, waiting for another to give them the power to continue, just a few have. I expect it probably has a lot to do with me being in what I can only describe as a retrospective state of mind. I have as is clear in my writing lately been so over come by the future that looking anywhere but there has been somewhat difficult, but in reality it is actually where I have wanted to be, but felt I couldn’t as it was somehow dangerous to go there. There is something about that tick in the corner that makes you want to make peace with everything that has ever happened, to sift through the painful times and to settle them for once and all. I have for so many years thought that I had done just that, but recently I have found the odd one screaming out at me as though it has been waiting there for this time to come around. For those of you who follow everything I write, which I truly doubt there is anyone as I write so much, but if you do and you are of a forensic mind will have spotted that I have been screaming at myself, telling myself to get on with it. So be ready as I guess parts of it will appear here to, I say be ready as it isn’t going to happen all in one day.
Yesterday evening found Adam and I talking about something I can’t eve remember the subject but I do remember one line that came out of my mouth and saying it was the final chip that was needed for my emotions and hinting to come together. I have mentioned many times that my first marriage and my childhood had abusive in many many ways, that in fact I was born into 27 years of hell where everything seemed to go wrong, if it had the slightest possibility of going wrong it did. In fact there were so many thing that came together in that final year that to be honest there was only one of two way that year was going to end, I would either have killed myself or I did what I did. I found the strength to pack up and walk away to start a new life, leaving everything behind me including my daughter, the crowning point that made me pack and go was when I came home from work to find my husband sat on our settee with his girlfriend, just days after deciding it was over. Last night I more than forgave all of those who had brought my life to that point, including myself. Last night I actually thanked my exhusband for being who he was, as unintentionally or on purpose he gave me something very precious, he gave me a second life, a chance to start all over again and to have happiness without fear.
Forgiving is one thing, thanking is a totally different thing, it is much more intense and much more deeply felt feeling. If he had been anyone else, if he had acted in a different way, well nothing would have happened as it did. As much as it hurt at the time and as deep the pain he caused me for many years and as unintentional as it was, he really did give me the greatest gift. I have said it before even in this blog that I have always felt that I have lived two lives and I have, there is no doubt in that at all. I was launched out into the world for a second time aged 28 and almost naive as I was when I was born. Last night though I closed off the first half of my life in a way I never have before, to forgive someone is actually a very self centered thing to do. All to often we forgive because it make us feel better to do so, we feel we a bigger and better person when we can turn round and say you may have hurt me but the hurt ends here, I forgive you. All to often though we walk away with the pain still there inside but with this veneer on show to the world. The words “Thank you” may not fit well for every situation but they fit well in this one and there is no feeling of veneer, this is a feeling that is there through out me. I can’t explain it better than that, how do you explain what is deep inside yourself and wasn’t put there with your permission, it appeared by itself. I have this feeling that there are many thing that I need, not because I want to, but because I have to, to go through and find the truth behind how the effected me. Almost as thought it is now time as an adult to put them to bed, with a kiss rather than an abrupt “stay there”.
My legs decided yesterday afternoon to start playing up, I didn’t drop to the ground like I did the other day, but there was a distinct feeling that they were weak and that they could have let go at any second. When I went to bed last night as always I went to the bathroom before going through to the bedroom. I wasn’t on my feet for long at all, but when I reached my bed I sat on the edge for a while because as I sat, I lost my feet. All sensations, even those that tell me I have feet vanished for a few seconds, there was this feeling that both feet have been cut off and when I even put them back on the ground, that there was no floor there. At that second the vanishing sensation traveled up my legs centimeter by centimeter up my lower legs to my knees, I have found in the past that these strange sensations can be stopped simply by touching them or rubbing the area. It is almost as thought you can interrupt the sensation by triggering the nerves to return to normality, but my legs were already aware of this game and ignored it until it had taken over both of my legs right up to my hips. Then it vanished as quickly as it had appeared. I can’t help thinking that what happened was exactly what happened when I hit the floor the other day, this time though I was lucky as I was already sitting before it began. I don’t remember ever having something like this in the past, not that is so clearly laid out in a pattern of it’s action, running from my feet upwards on both occasions. But something happening twice isn’t exactly a pattern, but it is something to note and look out for.