Autumn seems to be arriving very early, this house is freezing already and well I was hoping that the summer would last much longer, if just for the electric bill. I am honestly siting here with my feet wrapped up in my sleeping bag I keep for the coldest winter days, and if I am being honest I don’t feel that pulling the bag up and over my knees, is that far away. I have once again been playing my favorite game, what truly belongs to which condition. I know this isn’t just myself that sits wondering, so many others are caught in the same position, knowing all the conditions they have, knowing all the symptoms of each is and then knowing that several could so easily belong to more than one of them. I am actually sure it is one of the reasons that when asked by our specialist “how are you?” that we just say OK, as we can’t actually answer it with honesty, or we believe that we are sitting in front of the wrong doctor.
Due to several comments I have had in the past few days, I spent part of yesterday learning a bit more about my COPD, mainly what symptoms outside of shortness of breath and pain in the chest area. What I found was what other had said and I had already worked out for myself, either my MS, Fibro or COPD could be behind the increase of tiredness, memory problems and weakness. Annoyingly they all have a part to play and there is absolutely no way of separating them out to find which is the catalyst at this very second. It seems to be one of the most common problems for anyone with a chronic condition, at first just one arrives on it’s own, but then gets lonely and invite it’s chums to the party. Over a short period of time you are now host to an entire family of nutters. The major players are bad enough, but the delinquent members of this family also do their own damage, at first hiding behind the bigger boys and then jump out into the daylight and making themselves known. Not only do you collect illnesses, you also collect doctors, as they all have their own specialist areas, but which one do you tell about the tiredness, the pain or the memory, any and all could be the source.
I know it isn’t their intention but I often feel that the medical profession does really leave us in the dark. You go and see them and when you head home again they send you on your way with a smile, but I always feel that behind it, there is a note of poor sod. I guess what I want to leave them with is actually a list of what might happen now, then I could sit here and tick things off, knowing that that illness is probably the cause, as that is expected about now. There is nothing I have ever hated more than not knowing, so sitting here guessing really drives me mad. I know I have said that before, but that is what the major feeling is today, the frustration of not being able to tick boxes, to know why, or to even know what. I have this habit of always blaming my MS, even thought I know all to well that not everything that is wrong with me is traceable back to it. In the past few days I have had to change the way I think about many things and one is that my tiredness, speech problems and weakness may have been started by my MS or Fibro, but now the new player my COPD is making them all worse. I don’t know why I have so much difficulty getting that into my head, but I do. I guess it because I have to start admitting that having three separate conditions who all do the same thing, but in different ways, means the rate of progression downwards is now accelerated. Everything that is wrong with me now is going to get worse faster than it has before and that speed can only increase.
When I was healthy I had this naive picture of health, you were either well or you were ill, as black and white as it could be. When you were ill, you went to the doctor and they made you well, but if there was some reason you GP couldn’t fix you, he sent you to a doctor who could. Each illness arrived on it’s own, and all were fixable, it wasn’t until old age that things started to go wrong and well, that was to be expected. There are so many things that no one tells you when you are young, no one ever sits you down and says that it is possible to have a collection of conditions, all as horrid as the next, but all working separately to destroy the same parts of you. I can’t help but believe that if we had more knowledge far more people would actually be more able to deal with these things when they happen either to ourselves or someone we love.