I spent some of yesterday making decisions, not major ones really but ones that have actually made me feel that bit better in myself. I set to on the list of bookmarks that have been haunting me for months, I decided that if I haven’t found the time and energy to read them all when I was actually healthier, the chance of my ever managing to read them now or in the future was actually zero, so they have all gone! It is really amazing how simply highlighting a stream of links in a folder and clicking delete, can actually feel like getting rid of excess weight. I then went on to other folders of stuff that I have no reason to have other than vague memories that there was something in them I found interesting at the time, but I have no memory of now, so I got rid of them too. I uninstalled loads of games and other programs that have no reason to be there as they are to me obsolete, which actually included some of the things I was working on at the point I was made redundant. Just clearing out all those useless things has made me really feel as though I have given myself room to breath and get on with that is actually of importance to me, not what I think I should be doing.
I guess we all do collect up things that are not our own choice, but that of others and simply because someone has said “you should read this” or “I think you will like this”, we somehow feel beholden to them to do as they ask, even if you don’t really want to. I know I have always felt that way right through my life as if someone has taken the time to think of you, I feel I should at least follow their suggestion. When your life changes as mine has, somehow the fact you are not working actually makes that feeling even stronger, what else are you doing after all. At times my heart has actually sunk when someone comes up with what they see as a perfectly good suggestion, but I know will mean a lot of work, when in fact I have actually reached a point were I want to do less and less. I started realising all that weeks ago but when your entire life has worked that way and you have never actually let any one down, as long as it was in your power, to find yourself actually wishing to be left to do just what you want to rather than what everyone tells you to, well it’s hard. For months I have been wading through emails that I so don’t want to be bothered with, in accounts that there was a simple answer to, to close the account. I had 11, most connected to finding a job, no point keeping them open, so they to have gone and I have a manageable 4 that I actually need. Yesterday I started to streamline, to accept what I already knew in the back of my mind and now need to accept through all of it. I don’t have the energy or the life left in me to keep, juggling balls that I would prefer to have dropped long ago.
It is often the hardest things you ever have to do in life, accepting that you aren’t able to do what you used to do. I at first doubted very much that it is any easier for these facts to settle on you just because you have grown older, but somehow I have the feeling it is different, as that is something that happens to us all, it is a known quantity that we go through with those of our friends and family who share our age. To find yourself at that point in life 20 plus yrs before you ever expected to and alone, because your body has become an alien, well that’s hard. From when I started writing I have slowly been going downwards on the physical line that had taken me to being housebound but still with an active mind and able to do some small jobs around the house, to well being stuck here behind a computer. In the last few months it has felt as though daily my energy levels, both physical and mental have changed. It has been really hard to admit it to myself and although I know I have hinted, played around it in words and given clues and partial statements to these facts, but to actually say I know longer have the mental energy to keep up with such a simple life, well that is like admitting you no longer have a brain.
Almost every word I have written about being tired has been a hint, I know that now, but I was still hinting to myself. I’m not capable of keeping up with the outside world and when I say outside, I think I actually mean outside of me. There are even times when although I am trying to have a conversation with Adam I have suddenly found myself cut off from it, unable to continue, not just due to memory, but due to mental exhaustion. My brain just doesn’t want to work, it is capable of nothing but coasting. It doesn’t just happen when talking it happens here as well, those lost in space moments when I am starring over the top of the screen, no idea what I was writing and sometimes with no idea how I can even finish my post, there is a desire to just type a line of goodbye and stop, not forever but for that day, as I know I am rambling around the same thing over and over again. May be we should set up a coded line for just those times, so everyone knows I am OK it’s just there is no energy left to complete it with any sort of style.
I also yesterday made sure that I have 3 hours of sleep in the afternoon, I’m actually not to sure if it really worked or not. In one way yes, I can say that I again woke this morning with a much brighter and more awake feelings, so the combined hours did seem to improve things, but yesterday evening was once again as it always is, either on the 2 or 3 hr slot. I again felt to tired to do anything and struggled to get to 8:30 before bed. It’s hard to work out just what this means, I can’t imagine sleeping 15hrs straight, that just sounds nuts and actually impossible. Oh and this paragraph, is actually really about sleep and nothing else.