Giving in to it

I am really not enjoying myself so far this month I haven’t had a single day were I was content with anything, moaning and feeling that I can find fault in anything isn’t the normal me at all. I don’t have the slightest idea what is up with me but I know I don’t feel right in any way at all. The insane temperature lurches are really driving me mad, it doesn’t seem to matter how many layers or how few, I am either dripping in sweat of freezing, but worst still is when I manage both at the same time. Yesterday passed as a day at just the right temp but I wasn’t feeling well, much of the day I felt nauseous again and I was living on my anti sickness tablets, they work well but they don’t deal with the stomach pain that seemed to be constant. With stomach pain of course also come increased pain around my ribs, as you move around to relieve your stomach and land up putting pressure on my lungs. I almost wish that someone would make me a body brace that would stop my hurting myself, by holding me in the best position possible. I slept for 3 hours in the afternoon and the relief that it brought was short lived as within minutes of getting up again I was right back where I started from. Adam came home just after I got up and he could also see clearly that I wasn’t right, but sharing it didn’t help as it seldom does as there was nothing that he could do.

It all increased over the evening and despite a good number of hours asleep last night I managed to wake this morning still feeling really bad and with a huge desire just to return to my bed. From my toes upwards nothing is right, and nowhere is comfortable, as I said I feel like I am some sort of moaning Minny but when I feel like this it is hard to think about anything else. I think we are all the same when it comes to that one, we might try to put on a happy face, but when asked the truth comes out to ourselves even if we don’t give it to those who ask. I guess the working world would become a place of multiple suicides daily if we did, could you imagine if everyone actually did say how they felt and in detail? It would quite quickly go beyond depressive for everyone. I know all to well from the stomach pain I have had in the past couple of days that I really need to go to the loo. My bowels haven’t exactly released anything in the last week and a bit, I’m not so sure how big that bit is, it could actually be as much as another 2 weeks. That’s nothing new, but I do know it isn’t actually very good for you so I suspect it is well past the time of some extra tablets, something to remember for tonight.

There seems to be so much chasing around in my head at this minute, if I could just get a hold of what I have to organize, with solicitors and so on, plus all the normal daily routines that I have let slip, I know I would feel so much better, but I am just spinning around achieving nothing. I just don’t feel up to doing it all at the moment, but the silly thing is I actually feel this way because I haven’t managed to get thing done. I am therefore caught up in a never ending circle and I don’t know where to make the break in it, so that I can sort out which comes first. When you life is driven by one huge force that you can’t fight it is hard to get past it, I already get as much sleep as I can, but the drive to head back to bed and sleep more just grows. It is like living on drugs, there is this totally force and need that takes over your life and you have no way of dealing with it, other than to give in. I have tried to cut it down, to break the addiction but all that happens is there are small areas of success, followed by returning back to exactly how it was before. I don’t have a choice, sleep is the only option that breaks that incredible erg, the more you fight it the worse it gets.

There just are no simple answers to anything just now, I feel so out of control and so unable to catch up that I just sit here starring into space, hoping that somehow it will all fix itself. I am going to take the option again of sleep, but I fear that like all other spells that I sleep in the day, the result will be I am even more tired and more desperate to just sleep again.