The right balance

Yesterday was so like the day before that I don’t think I noticed it passing, other than in the closing hours when I was aware for of just how the weather has changed. We had two windows open in the living room and one in the bathroom and I felt as thought I was sitting in the doorway of the fridge! I actually hate days like that at this time of year, not because I miss the heat, but because I know without fail there will be huffy sessions from Adam at the least and at the worst a full blown argument about windows being open or closed. I don’t think I can remember one summers day where it is on the cool side that we haven’t argued about it. I suppose all couples have on issue that no matter how long they have been together, there still remains such a difference in views that it nags away in the back ground even when they are not there. I find myself frequently closing a window when Adam is at work but his voice is still there grumbling in my ear as clearly as if he was sat here in the room. It has only been in resent years that I totally understood how someone who is perfectly healthy and alive, could actually haunt you. The first was my mother, but of course she would be, then Adam, neither of them have ever been able to have a feeling or opinion about something without vocalizing it over and over again, not just reminding me constantly, but having worn a record type groove in my sole. There is one huge difference between then though, I love and couldn’t live without Adam, my mother well yes I love her, but I have lived quite happily without her for over 40 yrs.

I found again last night that sitting on the settee was actually forcing me to go to bed, but I realised as well that part of it had to do with yes those windows. I was sat on the settee with my dressing gown on but as I would expect during the coldest winter days my nose and the surrounding area, we so cold it was painful. The result was my face was frozen but I was actually over heating in my dressing gown but unable to take it off as the room was so cold. As much as my breathing and pain was causing me to move around, so was the heat and cold, I was totally unable to sit still as I was just desperate to find not just physical comfort, but temperature comfort as well. I need the cushion behind me as it helped to keep my body upright when sitting back as it is the position where I can only use my upper sections of my lung to get air, but cushions generate heat. Add the layers of dressing gown and pyjamas, well the temperature rises quickly, sit forward where the pain from my ribs digging into my diagram and the crushed layers on clothing in front of me, produced more heat, but any area of my not covered up, was frozen by the wind flying past me from the windows. I know perfectly well that if I had all the windows shut that the house would have settle at a temperature that would have been bearable and I would have been able to ditch the dressing gown, just as I had earlier in the day. Keeping Adam happy meant I was causing myself growing pain and difficulty, when 8:30 arrived I just couldn’t take any more of it. Disappearing to bed where both temperature and position permitted comfort far out weighed the need to spend more time together, I just had to go.

Something as simple as a window open can make life total hell, when your fit and healthy it is bad enough, but when you are physically pinned where there is no escape or way of leveling things out, changes that window into an instrument of torture. Right now I have a choice to stay or to go, but it made me start to think about those who don’t have those options. Those who are sat in a chair where they were positioned by someone who was well meaning, but they can’t get up and leave the room, they can’t complain and tell anyone what is happening, they are prisoner in a space that is causing them both increased pain and unable to sort out the temperature that is equally devastating. That is a perfect picture of the life that I and I bet most people fear. We all have our own ideas of comfort and yours may be great for you, but is the one that your partner, carer or family would be happy in. When you can’t make your feeling totally known, they may think they are doing what you would want, but are actually doing the total opposite.

I have just had what was to me a totally mortifying encounter with the delivery driver from Asda. Usually things go simply and everything other than the frozen and chilled is put on the hall way floor, but today it was one of the drivers that I have known for a while and I know he did what he did, because he thought he was helping, but suddenly he started carrying the bags filled with fruit and veg into the kitchen and putting them onto the counter. Adam hasn’t actually been doing housework for the last few weeks, I’m not sure why but that is the way it is, so everything is covered in a thick lair of dust and to make it worse there are also clothes all over the dinning area, along with the ironing board and tons of what I can only call rubbish, he will say it’s mail he hasn’t dealt with yet. I have for a long time managed to keep people out of area’s like that but this time it didn’t work, he just barged in and I was so embarrassed that I turned into one of my stuttering jabbering lumps. It was bad enough that he had gone in there at all, but he manged through his attempt to put thing off the floor and on the counters, to have been right round the kitchen seeing dust, dirty glasses and everything else. I used to keep everything magazine picture perfect, so should something happen like that, I had nothing to worry about, now an hour later, I am still not angry but so embarrassed that I don’t want to answer the doorbell any longer, just in case. I have adjusted to Adam standards to a point over the years, but they are actually at his worst yet and I don’t really know why. I don’t expect perfection, I gave up on that one several years ago and unless we, sorry I win the lottery, that perfection hasn’t any chance of ever happening again. Most people would have a list starting with new house, holiday and so on, mine starts with cleaners, even above a new house as it doesn’t matter where I live, I would never want to see another speck of dust again.