Assessing the millstones

TARA!!!! I have made! At last the magical sum of £60 which means at last Google will be paying my earnings from the Ad on my blogs into my bank account! This is the final proof that Advertising doesn’t pay as it is pay per click and with the fact that I have now been blogging with ads to click for 16 months that means I earn £0.12 per day, not exactly a way to get rich that is for sure. I have to say I have noticed that as the economy has gone down hill so has the number of ads people click as 80% of that was earned in the first 6 months,going down hill to an earning of just £0.03 per day last month, when 12 months ago it was £0.44 per day. As fun as it is to dream the fact are rarely the magical wand we are hoping for.

The weakness of the past days are still with me, but I haven’t fallen again despite what Adam thinks is going to happen. He is working over time today but wanted to know if I needed him to help or just be here when I go for my shower. Since I have never asked for that type of assistance in the past, why would I today! I do know he means well, but nothing has changed other than I have to avoid landing on the floor, as long as I don’t land up down there, I have nothing to worry about, it has though made me think. There has been a faster change in my strength than I had noticed happening, I actually did some simple test yesterday just to see for myself what has changed and how far. The simplest test is the the grip on, where you place a finger in the palm of your other hand and then squeeze it, or not. The or not is unfortunately closer to the truth than I could believe, I could apply almost no pressure at all. I knew all to well that it had faded over time as when I lost my left hand for a while I never regained the grip and strength to use my wheelchair, my grip from both hands is best described as decrepit. Just the effort of sorting out the tweets that arrived over night has drained the upper arm muscles, I am sat here now with those muscles aching as thought I had just been to the gym and I had spent an hour weight lifting, I have spent 3hrs resting my elbows on a desk. My leg muscles aren’t far behind them and all they have done are tiny jaunts to the loo or the kitchen, I think a total of twice. The rest of the time they have been at rest, apart from the occasional shuffle, something that seems impossible to not do.

Clearly my fears are that this is a warning of the future being closer than I thought. I have always know the time would come when for most people the result would be wheelchair bound as there just isn’t the strength to stand any longer and if the arms go to, well then an electric arm chair. For me because of the way our house is, that point in time would mean bedbound, as there is no room at all for a chair. With some rearranging, yes I could use a chair to get me from area to area, as in I could get out of bed into it, use it to the door of the bathroom, but there is no space at all for a chair in there. I could get into the kitchen and move around in there and then into the living room, but to get to my computer, I would have to get out of it as there is a raised platform at the back of the room, where my PC is and there is no other space for it to go. It would mean I was safe over the greatest distances, but I would have to still have the strength to be able to be on my feet in the the bathroom and for a meter and a half from wheelchair to PC. I would say that the period of time that that system would work would be very limited if it ever actually appeared.

I don’t know what you are supposed to do when there is no state housing and even the trusts who have housing for the disabled, keep telling you that you are not ill enough to meet the criteria they require. Owning out own home has turned from a great life gain, into this huge millstone. We can’t sell as Adam’s wages wouldn’t qualify for a mortgage on his own, I have no income that would make any difference and finding another place suitable is close on impossible when added to our limited finance. Owning is also one of the huge hurdles in getting a home from any charity, we would have to be homeless first. What that means is only when we can’t pay the mortgage and have been evicted by the bank, then they would help us. We would be placed in temporary accommodation as in a bed sit, with no where for out belongings, while they located something suitable, but probably in a terrible area. I really wish that we had acted as soon as we found out I had MS, we would have lost money as we hadn’t long bought this place and our mortgage was larger than the value, but looking back I don’t think either of us realised just how soon it would be, before this point in my life appeared. This is another of the reasons why I really think that when you a diagnosed, that they should tell everyone the worst case scenario. At least that way you could plan for it and if your health is better than expected, well who is going to complain about that.

At this moment it feels as thought everything has change so fast and so completely that I really don’t know what to do first or how. Nothing feels the same as it just must six months ago, in fact I would never have believed someone if they told me what was about to happen. It feels a little like there have been an avalanche and I am still under the snow, waiting to be dug out. I just realised what that what I wrote there isn’t the me of 6 months ago, I would have said then with confidence that I was digging myself out, not expecting anyone assistance, now I don’t even think of doing the digging. I think that says a lot, even I now know I don’t have the strength to do any of it alone any longer.